


Boys In Cars

by destroyedspectacularly



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Blow Jobs, Coming Out, Dirty Talk, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, Phone Sex, Slow Burn, Teasing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:27:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 50,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27077248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destroyedspectacularly/pseuds/destroyedspectacularly
Summary: Cody has been driving around recklessly at night to kill his anxiety, and Noel wants him to break the habit. They find a new habit to take its place, though breaking this one might fuck with a little more than just Cody's anxiety.
Relationships: Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 265
Kudos: 310





	1. Chapter 1

Cody had found himself driving around LA at night a lot. The traffic was shit during the day, but past like one or two in the morning it was almost peaceful. He used to drive around a lot to clear his head before he moved out to California, but obviously once he arrived there wasn’t much of a chance to clear his head in the middle of traffic jams day in and day out. It actually _gave_ him anxiety sitting there for too long, with no action to distract himself with beyond staring at his phone waiting for cars to fucking move.  
  
But three am? Four? That’s when he hit his fucking stride.  
  
The highway seemed endless in the darkness, and in the winding roads toward the hills where there weren’t many streetlights he could almost pretend that the road only existed as far as his headlights let him see. That the asphalt with its painted lines didn’t spawn until he saw it. He could lose himself to the idea of it for a while, falling in and out of it again when a car eventually crossed his path. In the moments where he almost believed it though, he felt this fleeting serenity, like everything wasn’t as big a deal anymore. He felt a little crazy afterward, but it hadn’t stopped him from chasing the feeling.  
  
He also got a thrill from driving past the speed limit, but he didn’t tell anyone that. _That_ part was fucking stupid, and he always got home and felt fucking stupid, because he knew that speeding in the middle of the night when no cars were around was a recipe for disaster. And he’d promise himself he would stop. But then the next time he was out, it was like second nature, watching the speedometer slide further and further forward. And repeat.  
  
When he pulled his car into his spot and parked, he rested his head on the wheel for a minute, feeling his heart rate slow down beat by beat, and again swore to himself he’d quit speeding. He glanced at the clock.  
  
“Fuck me,” he mumbled when he saw it was six in the morning. He was supposed to be at Noel’s by nine to film, and now he was gonna feel _and_ look like shit by the time he got there.  
  
Cody slumped up the stairs to his place and unlocked the door, setting down his keys noisily and slipping out of his hoodie in one movement, dropping both on the floor. He made a face and told himself he’d deal with it when he woke up, wanting nothing more than to feel his bed underneath him like _now._  
  
He dropped his pants in the doorway of his bedroom and toed off his shoes and socks with them, throwing himself on his bed gratefully. He had just enough brainpower left to plug in his phone in before he pulled his comforter over himself and passed out.  
  
**  
  
He startled awake to the sound of banging on his front door, blinded by the light coming through his window, all at once realizing he’d slept with his contacts in and that his phone had been connected to his charger, but his charger wasn’t connected to the wall. Shit.  
  
“Hold on!” he called toward the door hoarsely, throwing his blanket off of himself and hurrying to the entrance, not even checking that it was Noel before opening the door.  
  
“Wow, are we at _this_ point now?” Noel asked after a brief pause, looking Cody up and down exaggeratedly.  
  
Cody rubbed at his eyes and glanced down at himself wearing just boxer briefs and nothing else, and chuckled, “Fuck off, dude.”  
  
Cody walked back into his apartment unceremoniously, and Noel followed him in and eyed the trail of clothes leading to his room while Cody took his contacts out in the bathroom and exchanged them for his glasses.  
  
“Fine, I’ll fuck off with this coffee I brought your late ass if that’s what you want. You got a girl in there or what?” Noel handed off the cup of coffee to Cody who let out a dry laugh.  
  
“A- what? No, I didn’t- my phone didn’t fucking charge, what makes you think I have a girl in here?” Cody took the coffee and held it in both hands, letting the warmth seep into his palms.  
  
“Definitely not the trail of clothes leading from the door to your room,” Noel gestured to the mess with his coffee cup and held back a laugh as Cody guiltily kicked the clothes toward his room.  
  
“Yeah, no. Just me,” Cody cleared his throat.  
  
“Oh I see. Changin’ up the solo time a little, I get it,” Noel chuckled, “got a little strip tease going for yourself? That’s hot man, I get it.”  
  
“Shut up,” Cody laughed, rolling his eyes as he took a grateful sip of the coffee, “gimme a sec to put something on.”  
  
“Don’t rush dude, we’re already way behind schedule so-,” Noel made himself comfortable on the sofa.  
  
“Fuck, I’m so sorry,” Cody pulled a hoodie on from his closet at random and black pants, glancing in the mirror and fussing with his hair uselessly. He hated shooting right after he woke up on a normal day, but on a day where he couldn’t even get out of fucking bed it felt weird to be on camera next to Noel who always seemed to be put together. He let out a breath.  
  
“It happens,” Noel said coolly when Cody walked back out, sitting on the couch next to him for a moment to gather himself and gulp down the coffee. “You good?” Noel asked.  
  
“Yeah, I’m fine just-,” Cody cleared his throat again and tossed his phone on the couch between them, “fucking charger.”  
  
“I get that,” Noel said evenly, “seems like it’s something like that a lot these days. Maybe we should just start shooting over here.”  
  
“Don’t even, dude- I just lost track of time editing last night, went to sleep late,” Cody blinked quickly and looked away from Noel’s intense stare, “I’ll get it straightened out.”  
  
“See, you keep saying that it’s because of editing videos but man, you and I both know you haven’t put out shit in a few weeks.”  
  
Cody stayed silent and sipped his coffee.  
  
“You got me all fuckin’ worried man, I really hope it’s just some secret project, but I don’t think that’s what it is,” Noel said.  
  
“Right,” Cody said, and Noel leveled him with another lingering look.  
  
“You gonna tell me what’s going on?” Noel asked, and Cody slumped back into the couch, staring at the wall for a few seconds before deciding to speak.  
  
“It’s stupid,” he settled on eventually. Because it was.  
  
Noel settled back onto the couch slowly, “Okay, so it’s stupid. Tell me anyway.”  
  
Cody hated when Noel did that- that whole thing made Cody feel like he should be taking his shit more seriously. He didn’t want to take his shit seriously, he wanted it to fucking disappear and it kept… _not_ doing that. There was always something.  
  
“I’ve been-,” Cody let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair, “I’ve just been going for drives late at night.”  
  
“… That’s it?”  
  
Cody stared dead ahead, taking the out, “Yeah, that’s it. I fuckin’- I told you it was stupid.”  
  
“Why?” Noel asked after a minute, and Cody glanced at him for a second and then back down at his coffee.  
  
“Just- I don’t know. Clear my head? It’s been helping my anxiety man, just driving and focusing on that and nothing else. Let everything fall away except the road.”  
  
Noel nodded, taking a sip of his coffee before speaking, “I mean it’s stupid that you’re letting it fuck with your sleep, but if that’s what you need to do then I get it.”  
  
“I lost track of time,” Cody said softly.  
  
“That shit’s dangerous dude, driving on no sleep, and at night? You better not be doing some stupid shit like speeding on the back roads neither, man, ‘cause-,”  
  
“Well-,”  
  
_“Dude.”_ Fuck. Cody hadn’t meant to let that one slip out.  
  
“I’m gonna stop!” Cody stood abruptly and turned around, walking around the couch to put something between them, “I’m gonna fucking stop, it’s just. I don’t know. It feels good.”  
  
“Bruh, that is _the_ dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. Speeding fucking _feels good?_ I don’t even have to tell you how easy it would be for your dumb ass to become a smear on the street. I assume they had driver’s ed in Canada?”  
  
_“Ha-ha,_ I took driver’s ed, I know okay? I’m gonna stop.”  
  
“You better. There are better ways to cope with anxiety than this shit, I promise you that,” Noel had turned his body toward Cody, putting him in an awkward position on the couch. He readjusted, and Cody stared blankly as he brought one leg onto the sofa so he could face him comfortably.  
  
Cody shrugged once, “Yeah, well. This works for me.”  
  
Noel sighed and leaned his shoulder against the back of the couch, downing the rest of his coffee. Cody mentally kicked himself for telling the truth- or really for not coming up with a better lie. Noel would’ve believed a string of one-night-stands, but Cody couldn’t convince himself of it. At least editing was a lie he was used to telling. Now knowing that Noel didn’t buy it for a second definitely made him feel like shit for it though.  
  
“Sorry. For lying,” Cody said quietly, and Noel nodded.  
  
“Next time you’re about to go driving late at night, would you just call me instead?” Noel asked, and Cody shook his head.  
  
“It’s late at night man, I don’t wanna-,”  
  
“Cody, man, I don’t fucking care. Just call me.”  
  
Cody swallowed whatever words had bubbled up in his throat, and nodded, looking away, “Okay, yeah. I’ll call you.”  
  
“Good,” Noel said, and then got to his feet, “let’s go film this fucking thing.”  
  
Cody laughed at the break in the tension, “Yeah let’s go.”  
  
**  
  
Cody stared at his keys where they sat on the little table by his front door. It was completely dark in his apartment as he glanced at his phone- too bright for a second. 2am. He always forgot to flip on the lights because his apartment got so much natural light, so every night he would look up from his laptop and it would suddenly just _be_ dark. All the surfaces washed in this weird dark blue reflected off the building by his biggest window.  
  
The anxiety had been crawling up his spine for a few hours, and at around midnight he picked up his phone and hovered over Noel’s contact for a minute. He couldn’t bring himself to do it though- he had only left Noel’s place a few hours before and it felt dumb to call him, like he missed him. Needy. Even sadder was that he _did_ kind of miss Noel. In the swath of jokes and filming and fucking around, the world wasn’t quiet enough to crawl under his skin.  
  
So he didn’t call him. Made perfect sense.  
  
He grabbed his keys.  
  
“I’ll just call him next time,” Cody muttered, flipping up his hood and leaving the apartment. The heat hit him for the short trek to his usual parking spot, but soon he was in the comfort of his car, the AC blasting just a tad too cold as he pulled onto the highway. He shivered, but it was nice.  
  
Cody clenched his jaw as he sped up and wondered briefly if Noel was even awake- if he would have even picked up the phone. He wondered what he would say. Maybe he would just joke around with him until he thought Cody felt better, and Cody would just be stuck on the line pretending that it was helping the whole time. Maybe they would just talk.  
  
Cody glanced at the speedometer and eased off the gas just as he was about to pass the speed limit, scrunching up his nose to himself and pulling up Noel’s contact on his phone. He had to fucking know.  
  
“Yo.” Noel picked up so fast that Cody hadn’t even started to think about what he was gonna say.  
  
Cody shook his head vaguely, “Oh shit you picked up, fuck, sorry.”  
  
Noel laughed, “Yeah no shit I picked up. What’s up?”  
  
“Uh. Did I wake you up?” Cody asked, but he knew there was no way he would have answered so quickly if he’d been asleep.  
  
“You think you’re the only one who stays up doing some dumb shit?”  
  
“Guess not,” Cody said, clearing his throat in the short stretch of silence that followed.  
  
“You’re fucking driving aren’t you?” Noel said after a minute and Cody scoffed.  
  
“No- maybe. Yeah okay, yeah,” he felt blood rushing up his neck, picturing Noel rolling his eyes at Cody’s sad attempt at lying.  
  
“Dumbass, I can hear the car.”  
  
Cody laughed, “I still called you! I should get points for that.”  
  
“Speeding?”  
  
“No.”  
  
Noel hummed and Cody didn’t follow up with anything else. Noel sighed, “Are you gonna tell me what’s wrong?”  
  
Cody shouldn’t have called, “Nothing’s wrong man, it’s like. Generalized anxiety, or whatever. The one that’s from nothing.”  
  
“Man, I don’t think _any_ anxiety is from nothing,” Noel said, and Cody hadn’t ever actually looked it up or anything but he was pretty sure that he was right. He wasn’t gonna look it up in case he was actually wrong, but again, he was pretty sure.  
  
“It’s nothing.”  
  
“If it was nothing then you probably could’ve just had a beer and watched some fucking cartoons and you’d be fine. But you literally said that driving clears your head so you’re thinking about _something.”_  
  
“Eat shit dude, I didn’t call you to get a lecture,” Cody said, feigning like he was gonna hang up even though there was no one there to see him do it.  
  
“Why’d you call then?” Noel shot back, and Cody’s mouth opened but nothing came out for a moment.  
  
“Why did _you_ pick up?”  
  
“Dude, I’m always gonna pick up the phone when you call,” Noel said evenly, and Cody was taken aback by the sincerity of his tone, “One of these days… you’re gonna accidentally butt-dial me during sex and I won’t miss out on an opportunity to clown you to fucking death about it.”  
  
“Jesus christ, dude,” Cody breathed as Noel burst into laughter, his voice getting quieter as he pulled the phone away from his face.  
  
“Sorry,” he was fighting his laugh as he spoke, “couldn’t let us have a real moment there, that would’ve been fucking embarrassing.”  
  
“God forbid,” Cody chuckled weakly, and Noel let out another laugh.  
  
“You love me, dude,” Noel said, and Cody could hear the smile in his voice.  
  
“You fucking wish,” Cody laughed, and Noel hummed.  
  
“Okay, okay, I’ll always pick up the phone,” Noel said it in a defeated tone, “because I care about your stupid ass or something.”  
  
Cody nodded faux-seriously, “Well we’re in a bunch of contracts and shit together so it would be unfortunate for you if I just fucking died randomly.”  
  
“Yeah, I’m just protecting my assets,” Noel said, voice on the cusp of a laugh.  
  
“Cool, so we’re on the same page,” Cody responded.  
  
“We’re basically married- except that if you die I don’t get your shit, I just get fucked over.”  
  
“I could sign it over to you if you want,” Cody said, vaguely wondering who his shit would actually go to if he died.  
  
“That would be sick,” Noel chuckled, “but it definitely incentivizes me to get off the phone and let you get your car wrapped around a tree or some shit.”  
  
Cody laughed dryly, “Nuh uh, I have to get the papers drawn up first, so you have to stay on-,”  
  
“Right, right, yeah I have to stay on the call for now so you don’t kill yourself or whatever,” Noel interrupted, breaking into laughter again.  
  
“Jesus,” Cody chuckled, noticing all at once the exit he’d taken unthinkingly.  
  
“Too dark?”  
  
“No, I just realized I’m like- like I’m automatically driving to your place right now.”  
  
“Oh? You bout to shoot me a lil “u up?” text?” Noel chuckled.  
  
Cody let out a laugh, “I _fully_ called you dude, this whole call has been the “u up?” text.”  
  
“Damn bruh where’s the seduction? An eggplant emoji would get you further than this call will.”  
  
“A guy can dream!” Cody said in an exaggerated voice and Noel laughed.  
  
“So where we goin’ then?”  
  
Cody felt warm suddenly, stuttering as he spoke, “Oh, I- you don’t have to like- it was just a random thing I’m not picking you up.”  
  
“Wow, rejected,” Noel said, and Cody laughed.  
  
“Shut up dude, you know what- you deserve to be humbled every now and then.”  
  
“Is that so?” Noel teased, and Cody swallowed audibly.  
  
“Yeah, you- when was the last time someone shot you down?”  
  
“What, like romantically?” Noel asked, his voice a little higher.  
  
“Yeah, or whatever. A rejection,” Cody gestured uselessly.  
  
“Uhh, come to think of it. I dunno, nothing’s, like, jumping to mind.”  
  
“You suck,” Cody said and Noel laughed, the sound of it a little muffled.  
  
“I know my limits man, that’s all. You gotta stop sliding in DM’s all overconfident.”  
  
“I don’t do that.”  
  
Noel hummed, “Sure you don’t.”  
  
“Whatever-,” Noel laughed and Cody ignored him, “I’m basically here, do you actually want to tag along or what?”  
  
“Can we swing through Taco Bell?” Noel asked, but Cody could already hear him getting up as he spoke.  
  
“Uhh, yeah, we’re obviously gonna hit up a Taco Bell dude.”  
  
“I’ll be out in five,” Noel said and hung up, leaving Cody alone with his thoughts again.  
  
He took a breath and did a little mental inventory while he waited, finding that his little brain-warehouse had actually been tidied up a bit. His heart was beating at an almost normal, even pace, and he didn’t feel quite like he was about to vibrate out of his skin. It had only been a little under an hour- he usually didn’t start to feel a semblance of normalcy until a few hours into the drive.  
  
“Huh,” he hummed, grabbing for the rearview mirror idly so he could fuss with his hair for a minute, greasy and fucked because he hadn’t made time to shower. He grimaced and pinched the bridge of his nose in a wasted effort to stave off the headache forming at the base of his skull.  
  
Cody jumped when Noel opened the passenger side door, and Noel laughed as he slipped into the seat.  
  
“You good?” Noel asked as he buckled himself into the seat. Cody didn’t look at him directly as he readjusted the rearview mirror, but he could see Noel sitting back to look him over for a second.  
  
“Yeah dude,” Cody sniffed, turning toward Noel and then nodding, “you mean the anxiety- I mean yeah. Better.”  
  
“You think a redbull will make it worse?” Noel asked, and pulled out a redbull from his hoodie pocket.  
  
Cody chuckled, “You didn’t bring that for me.”  
  
“Nah, this is mine,” Noel laughed and popped it open, taking a sip, “I was asking if me drinking _my_ redbull would worsen your anxiety.”  
  
“Right, the anxiety from you not bringing one for me,” Cody said, chuckling as he rested his wrists on the steering wheel.  
  
“Yeah exactly- _no,_ dumbass,” Noel pulled another redbull from his hoodie pocket, “I gotchu. If you want it.”  
  
“You actually brought one for me?” Cody put a hand on his chest, genuinely endeared that Noel had thought of him.  
  
Noel rolled his eyes, “I can just chuck it out the window, as long as you agree to forget that shit I said about caring about you earlier.”  
  
“Aw, dude. Really?” Cody took the redbull, still cool to the touch.  
  
“No, I need two fucking redbulls to stay awake until we get to Taco Bell- yes, it’s yours take it.”  
  
“Wow, thank you,” Cody said, opening it to take a sip and feeling the liquid slide down his throat and all the way to his stomach- he hadn’t eaten. Right. “So, Taco Bell.”  
  
“Fuck yes dude I’m tryna get baja fucking blasted,” Noel said absentmindedly, rifling through the center console until he came up with the aux cord.  
  
“Can you get me the ibuprofen in the glove compartment, actually?” Cody scrunched his nose as a wave of nausea came over him- not a headache. Migraine. Fuck. Noel handed him the bottle and Cody downed two pills with redbull, putting the bottle in the center console instead. Noel played a song and Cody started the car.  
  
“Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> denial is a hell of a drug hahaaa  
> my first fic in this fandom lmk what y'all think / leave kudos if you like it! i'll be updating semi-regularly so dw the explicit tag will come into play v soon <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Anxiety Attacks

Noel’s presence was almost as good as the ibuprofen. Cody couldn’t believe it, all the hours spent driving until he had poured every last thought out of his head could’ve been shortened to a phone call or just hanging out with someone. What the fuck.  
  
“Admit it, you feel better,” Noel said through the world’s smallest bite of a crunchwrap Cody had ever seen.  
  
“Fuck, okay! You got me,” Cody laughed, his mouth still full, “I fucking feel better, alright?”  
  
They were parked outside the Taco Bell, eating their food in the car while one of Noel’s playlists played on quietly in the background. And Cody felt alright. There was a mild hum of anxiety just under his skin, but it was negligible at best. He could work with it- hell, he could probably sleep with it. Which would be nice since it was closing in on a quarter to four.  
  
“Yeah you do. You don’t have to go through this shit alone homie,” Noel punched Cody in the arm and Cody grimaced, rubbing the spot, “You needed some talk, some food, probably some fucking water couldn’t hurt- you look goddamn see-through.”  
  
Cody looked at himself in the rearview curiously, and okay he didn’t look too hot. Definitely a little purplish under the eyes, a little pale.  
  
“See-through?” he mumbled, pressing his cold fingers against the bags under his eyes.  
  
“I could count your teeth from here dude.”  
  
Cody made a face and Noel laughed, “Don’t- _ew,_ dude, that’s fucking gross, don’t say that to me you’re gonna give me a complex.”  
  
“Drink water,” Noel shoved the water bottle he’d gotten along with his baja blast at Cody’s chest.  
  
“This is yours,” Cody pointed out, taking the bottle anyway.  
  
“What, we’re practically married but you can’t share a couple germs with me?” Noel asked, faking like he was gonna take it back, so Cody yanked the bottle away from him.  
  
“You got herpes?” Cody asked, untwisting the cap and lifting the bottle to his mouth.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Nice, I have uh- hepatitis,” Cody took a long swig, immediately regretting it when they both burst out into laughter and he spat water all over himself.  
  
_“Hepatitis,_ dude?” Noel wheezed.  
  
Cody could barely speak for how hard he was laughing, “I don’t fucking know- I- jesus I’m _soaked-,”_  
  
Noel cackled and went to raise the AC, laughing even harder when Cody scrambled to turn the fucking air off. Noel bent over himself laughing, lowering a window like it would help him catch his breath. Cody scrunched up his face in annoyance even though it was still pretty funny, turning on the heat so the water that had soaked through to his skin didn’t leave him shivering in the car. Stupid thin ass fucking hoodie.  
  
“Oh my god, that was _too good_ you-,” Noel turned back to him, “bruh you’re turning up the heat? No fucking way.”  
  
“Aw _come on_ I need the hoodie to dry,” Cody whined, fighting Noel for the AC controls, “you’re gonna make me freeze my ass off!”  
  
“Dude it’s ninety fucking degrees outside, just go stand out there,” Noel pointed outside and Cody made an incredulous face.  
  
“No, what the fuck. This is _my_ car, _you_ get out,” Cody said, but Noel was just laughing. Cody couldn’t help but join in with his stupid contagious laugh, and this was the crux of why they never got anywhere in an argument.  
  
“Cody. Just take the hoodie off,” Noel said after he calmed down, wiping at his eyes as he spoke.  
  
“I’m not wearing a shirt underneath,” Cody said quietly as he pulled the fabric away from his chest.  
  
“So?”  
  
_“So_ you’ll see my nipples,” Cody held his hands over his chest overtop of his hoodie, “my nip-nips dude. My nippies.”  
  
“What, no free shows? I’ll pay the cover but if it’s more than like ten bucks I’ll just uber home.’”  
  
“Ten bucks? Wow, I see how it is,” Cody laughed and pulled at his hoodie sleeves to begin to take it off. The fabric clung to him where it was wet and it took a minute to get it off, nearly taking his glasses with it.  
  
“You take cashapp?” Noel joked, holding his phone up to take a video. Cody shoved him in annoyance, only serving to make him laugh again.  
  
“Y’know- a cop pulling up right now would really be the icing on the cake,” Cody chuckled, ducking to glance out the window. He hugged himself self-consciously and shook his head in disbelief of the shit he got himself into. He turned back to Noel, briefly catching his spaced gaze in the direction of Cody’s chest before he snapped back up, mouth already on the cusp of a joke.  
  
Noel put his hands up, “Oh, I swear officer! He just made a shit joke and spit water all over himself- over _his own fucking joke-,”_  
  
“You laughed too!” Cody cracked.  
  
“Yeah, yeah I did. It was funny- I don’t know if it was spit-take worthy, but it was funny.”  
  
“The art of the spit-take is that it should be natural,” Cody said, and then shivered- the AC was still on and not having the wet hoodie on didn’t magically warm him up.  
  
“Gettin’ cold, huh?” Noel was pointedly glancing between Cody’s face and his chest and Cody tried to cover his shame through a laugh.  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
“Man, you are a fucking _baby,”_ Noel said, but he was already pulling his hoodie over his head, “here.”  
  
“I’m not a baby,” Cody pouted, begrudgingly taking the proffered hoodie while Noel fixed his shirt.  
  
“You’re baby,” Noel said.  
  
“Oh- I’m baby? Aw dude, that’s so sweet. I’m baby,” Cody gave him puppy-dog eyes and Noel scoffed.  
  
“Shut the hell up and put it on.”  
  
Cody had only slipped the sleeves over his arms before he stopped and turned to Noel again, “Aw, wish I could, but I’m baby, actually. So.”  
  
Noel squinted, “What, you need help? Baby needs help putting on his hoodie?”  
  
“Ew,” Cody laughed out, “Nevermind, I hated that.”  
  
“You started it bro, don’t ever think I’m not gonna escalate,” Noel reached over and plucked Cody’s glasses off of his face before he slipped the hoodie over his head so he wouldn’t knock them off. The hoodie was soft and smelled like Noel’s deodorant, he noted offhandedly.  
  
“You are fucking blind dude,” Noel said, turning to Cody wearing his glasses.  
  
“Yeah I know,” Cody lamented, “those look good on you though.”  
  
“Yeah? Should I stare into the sun for a few hours? Just for the aesthetic?” Noel asked, and Cody shrugged.  
  
“Maybe.”  
  
“Nah man, we can’t _both_ be the software engineers with dorky glasses,” Noel said, taking the glasses off and leaning close to slip them back on Cody’s face. Cody flushed a bit at the proximity, chuckling nervously when Noel pulled the hood over Cody’s head and rubbed his arms to warm him up.  
  
“Baby all warm now?” Noel said in a low voice, but he was still close enough that Cody could feel his breath on his face.  
  
Cody swallowed, “Um.”  
  
Noel chuckled and pulled away, “You still anxious?”  
  
Cody just nodded with wide eyes, still recovering from the sensation as blood drained from his face. He wanted to look at Noel to gage what his reaction should have been, but he couldn’t bring himself to- it was definitely just a bit. A bit that he’d made weird by not playing along with, which was why Noel was rightfully playing it off. Fuck. He always missed the cue.  
  
“I can smoke you out if you wanna head back to my place,” Noel said, raising his eyebrows and leaning over to pull a couple of neatly rolled joints out of the hoodie that Cody was now wearing. Cody flushed at the sudden contact again, mentally kicking himself for being so weird.  
  
“Uh, yeah,” Cody said just this side of too-loudly, failing to play it cool. Noel just grinned and sat back in his seat, letting it slide as usual.  
  
“Only if you want dude, I’m not tryna peer pressure you,” Noel chuckled, doing that quiet voice and mild smile thing he did when he wasn’t sure if he’d pushed something too far.  
  
“Honestly, I haven’t tried smoking weed for my anxiety so I’m down to see what happens,” Cody said, deciding _not_ to share that his anxiety had just jumped back up a couple of notches and his stomach was being a little twisty about it.  
  
“Sick- we can hotbox the car, make it a whole thing,” Noel said, grin coming back full force as he turned to put on his seatbelt.  
  
Cody started the car almost as an afterthought, nodding his head, “Yeah, no yeah, cool.”  
  
**  
  
They moved over to sit in the backseat of Cody’s car when they arrived at Noel’s building and parked out back. Cody cuddled further into the hoodie as he sat and kind of felt bad that he took it from Noel because it was really fucking comfy. He was warm now- the intermittent flush in his chest from his mind going back to Noel touching him and calling him baby definitely helped out on that front. Cody kept trying to push it back, but it was occupying most of his mind on the drive back to Noel’s place, and the reoccurrence was making him uneasy.  
  
Noel lit the joint while Cody scrolled through twitter on his phone like it would calm him down a bit. He was fine, really, he just hadn’t smoked in a while and the whole touch thing earlier freaked him out a little and now he kinda just felt like he was doing everything wrong a little bit. Which wasn’t true. And he knew that. But he still felt like maybe his breath was coming a little too fast and not fast enough at the same time. He continued scrolling through his phone. It was fine.  
  
“Here,” Noel said, and Cody jerked his head up. He hadn’t read anything on twitter, he’d just been moving his thumb back and forth on the screen, watching the words move up and down.  
  
“Thaaank _you,”_ he said, and Noel visibly held back a chuckle. Cody just ducked his head nervously and took a small hit, hoping vaguely that Noel wasn’t watching him.  
  
He passed the joint back and exhaled the smoke- still more than he’d actually wanted to take in, he was so fucking bad at limiting that- and leaned his head back against the headrest. He closed his eyes for a second, putting his phone in his pocket and pulling his sleeves- _Noel’s_ sleeves, his mind added- over his hands. His heart was fast.  
  
Cody opened his eyes to find Noel exhaling a cloud of smoke and eyeing him in amusement. Cody almost laughed. No, he did laugh. It was hitting him a little bit. Noel smiled and passed him back the joint, so Cody decided to throw caution to the wind and take a big pull.  
  
“You good?” Noel asked and Cody pulled out his phone again like it would end the conversation before it started.  
  
Noel nudged him with his shoulder as Cody breathed out the smoke, “Dude.”  
  
Cody frowned and passed back the joint, “You’re always asking me that.”  
  
“Well you always look like something’s up,” Noel chuckled.  
  
“That’s not fucking true,” Cody half-laughed, his heart not in it.  
  
“If you could see you right now, you wouldn’t be saying that.”  
  
Cody put down his phone and looked at Noel who just shrugged and backed away, already laughing. Cody shook his head, looking up vaguely to see if he could spot himself in the rearview mirror, with no such luck. He giggled and watched Noel bring the joint to his lips, his mouth suddenly going dry. From the weed probably. Yeah. The weed.  
  
Cody coughed and dragged his gaze away, talking before the words made it through his brain to mouth filter, “It was just earlier- you kinda took me off guard.”  
  
“With what?” Noel asked and Cody blushed, thankfully not super visible in the darkness of the car.  
  
He rubbed at his face with the sleeves of the hoodie, inadvertently breathing in Noel’s scent as he did, “When you- the- the touching.”  
  
“Touching? When I put your glasses on your face?” Noel passed him the joint and Cody took it while looking at Noel calculatedly, again wishing he knew how to keep his stupid mouth shut.  
  
“And all… rubbing my arms, calling me baby and shit,” he mumbled, almost hoping Noel wouldn’t hear it as he took another hit.  
  
Noel laughed, “What, you don’t want me to call you baby?”  
  
Cody felt himself get flushed all the way up to his ears, “Not when- I don’t fucking know- not when you’re- you’re _touching me.”_  
  
“Okay,” Noel chuckled, “I’ll make a mental note, “Can: call Cody baby, touch him. Can’t: do those things at the same time” is that right?”  
  
“Yeah,” Cody said and then coughed out a laugh, “no- wait no I don’t-,”  
  
“It’s too late _baby,_ you already agreed.”  
  
“No that’s- you _know_ that’s not what I meant!” Cody laughed out, and Noel looked on in amusement.  
  
“No Cody, I really don’t,” Noel laughed, lighting the other joint as he spoke, “tell me what you mean- do you want me to stop calling you baby?”  
  
Cody tugged at the neckline of the hoodie, “Uh-,”  
  
“Do you want me to not touch you anymore? I think that one might be kinda hard, but I’ll do it,” Noel said, looking at Cody in question.  
  
“It’s hard for you to keep your hands off of me?” Cody said lamely after a moment, his brain barely processing anything as he finished off the first joint.  
  
Noel rolled his eyes, “Shut up man, do not try to twist this, it’s just us two in this car right now.”  
  
Cody swallowed back whatever words had been forming in the back of his throat and just stared at Noel for a second. He couldn’t make himself say that he didn’t want Noel to keep doing those things. Why couldn’t he do that? He couldn’t even formulate the words for a reason behind why not, he just couldn’t make the fucking words come out- was he just too high? He felt spaced out suddenly at the thought, and all at once couldn’t breathe and felt like his vision was being closed in by static. Cody’s heart started racing and all he could think was that he didn’t even want to fucking smoke in the first place.  
  
He clenched his fist for a second like it might ground him- it didn’t- and let out a small laugh because he didn’t want Noel to know he was freaking out. No, his hands were definitely _not_ fucking shaking, he _didn’t_ feel like there was a baseball in his throat, or like he’d suddenly gone blind- no, no, he was totally, completely _fine._ Fuck. Cody could sort of hear Noel talking but couldn’t focus on the words he was saying. He swallowed and clenched both fists even tighter, and upon hearing a change in the tone of Noel’s voice he reached for the interior light above the backseat in a panic, gasping for breath. The light came on and he felt like he could see again- maybe it had just gotten too dark in the car and-  
  
Cody felt Noel’s hand on his shoulder and felt his breath come again.  
  
_“- Cody._ Are you okay?” Noel’s voice broke through the haze, and Cody turned to face him.  
  
Noel put his hands on either side of Cody’s face and looked him directly in the eyes, startling Cody again, but Noel didn’t let him pull away, “You’re right here with me man, just you and me, we’re in your car, you’re okay.”  
  
Cody closed his eyes and focused on breathing, his eyes stinging with tears he did not fucking want to come. Not right now, holy shit not right now.  
  
His eyebrows were furrowed tensely as he fought the urge to let the tears fall, but they relaxed when he felt Noel rest his forehead against him, and he was saying something again.  
  
“… gotta _tell me_ when you don’t wanna smoke anymore,” Noel said in that low, quiet voice that Cody rarely heard.  
  
“Sorry,” Cody whispered, his voice breaking a bit.  
  
“Man, you do _not_ have to apologize,” Noel said, and pulled Cody into an embrace so Cody’s chin rested on his shoulder, _“I’m_ sorry- I was pushing you on it too much.”  
  
Cody shook his head against Noel’s shoulder, “No you weren’t, I just…”  
  
“You don’t have to explain,” Noel said, soothing a hand up and down Cody’s back.  
  
Cody let a silent sob escape and burrowed his face into Noel’s shirt until it passed. His face was burning from how fucking embarrassed he was, but he knew that if he tried to hold back the tears he’d be fighting them back all night.  
  
“You’re okay,” Noel whispered into his hair, and Cody took a deep breath.  
  
They stayed like that for a while and Cody tried to walk back the thought process that got him there, all the way into the backroom of his brain warehouse, behind a door with several locks. He didn’t want to pull away from Noel in part because he was really fucking embarrassed and in part because. Well, it was nice- like, soothing. _Actually_ soothing, not like music you call soothing that doesn’t actually do anything.  
  
But he pulled away eventually, not wanting to force Noel into an even more awkward length of time to be holding his friend while he cried over fucking nothing.  
  
“You good?” Noel said, and they both chuckled quietly, “I mean- are you okay?”  
  
Noel plucked Cody’s very smudged and foggy glasses off his face and Cody took a deep breath, “Yeah I’m okay. Sorry, I didn’t ever want you to see something like that.”  
  
Cody watched as Noel carefully cleaned off his glasses with his t-shirt, his eyes tracing up Noel’s shirt till they reached the spot on his shoulder where Cody’s tears had left a stain. Cody scrunched up his nose, and he reached for it, resting his hand on Noel’s shoulder like hiding it from his sight would make it un-happen.  
  
Noel put Cody’s glasses back on his face gently, and turned to where Cody’s hand was on his shoulder, putting his hand over Cody’s.  
  
“So, you paying for my dry cleaning or what?” Noel said, pulling Cody’s hand away from the spot so they could both see it again, but not letting go of his hand.  
  
Cody stared at where Noel was so nonchalantly holding his hand, “For the cost of one shirt? No way, I’ll throw it in with my laundry if you want but that’s the most I’m gonna do.”  
  
Noel followed his gaze to their hands in amusement, adjusting so their fingers were interlocked instead and held their hands up pointedly, “This okay?”  
  
Cody blinked and nodded wordlessly, eventually getting out, “Just don’t call me baby.”  
  
“Don’t worry, I remember,” Noel said, pointing at his temple with a smile like he was waiting for Cody to break. They just looked at each other while he waited, and when Cody didn’t break he sat back against the seat normally again. And still didn’t let go of Cody’s hand.  
  
“Now back to what I was saying before you rudely interrupted me with your anxiety attack-,”  
  
“Rudely!” Cody laughed out in surprise.  
  
“Interrupting is _always_ rude, bro,” Noel said.  
  
Cody nodded, “Oh, I’ll keep that in mind- next time I’ll wait for a break in conversation.”  
  
“I’d really fucking appreciate that- see, we’re already learning,” Noel said with a grin and Cody let out a laugh, glancing surreptitiously at their hands and then back to him.  
  
They just kept talking, and Cody kept looking at their interlaced fingers with about five hundred question marks in his head. It was pleasant, he decided, which was why he didn’t let go, probably. But he had no clue why Noel didn’t let go- as a joke? Maybe to comfort him?  
  
Crazy how after all this time Cody still had no fucking clue what he was thinking.  
  
Eventually, it was really stupid late and Cody still had to drive home, so they had to part eventually. Cody watched Noel’s hand slip from his with ease that Cody couldn’t process in the time it took for them to get out of the car and say goodbye. Noel hugged him and Cody bluntly refused to blush, but it wasn’t long anyway.  
  
And then Cody just got in his car and drove home. It felt like the weirdest thing in the world- doing any mundane task as if it had been a normal night. Was it a normal night? He was the damned king of overthinking, and this would be his masterpiece. What a shitshow.  
  
He decided not to think about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope y'all liked this one! lmk what you think in the comments, leave kudos if you liked it ♥


	3. Chapter 3

He couldn’t stop thinking about it.  
  
Cody woke up feeling surprisingly rested, still in Noel’s hoodie after sleeping through all of his alarms, again, and he felt like the phantom feeling of Noel’s hand in his was fucking haunting him. He was brushing his teeth when he realized he was still wearing the hoodie, seeing himself in the mirror and being confused for a second before chuckling to himself. He took a mirror selfie with it on, his toothbrush still in his mouth, and sent the snap to Noel with the caption “when he lets u wear his hoodie🥵”  
  
He laughed to himself after he sent it, but slipped back into the hoodie after his shower without a second thought. _Because_ it was really comfortable- obviously- he made a mental note to ask where Noel bought it. Noel snapped him back as he was making breakfast, just a picture of his laptop screen with the caption “bruh i better get that back”  
  
Cody chuckled and texted him as he started eating, just standing by his counter instead of actually sitting down.  
  
**Cody: you can have it back with all the other shit I’ll sign over to you when I die.**  
  
**Noel: so I’ll have it by the end of the week then.**  
  
**Cody: yeah.**  
  
**Cody: wait**  
  
**Cody: don’t take out a hit on me**  
  
**Noel: I would never**  
  
**Noel: confirm or deny that over texts**  
  
**Cody: fuck**  
  
He laughed quietly to himself, setting his phone down and leaning against the counter, holding his plate close to his chest as he ate. His mind kinda spaced as he stared out the window, his hand feeling the ghost of the night before even as he actively avoided the memory. Cody sighed to himself in frustration, almost putting his half-eaten plate in the sink and leaving to find a distraction but stopping himself when he remembered Noel pointing out how gaunt he looked. He shoveled the rest of his food in his mouth and dumped the plate a little too harshly- breaking it against the stainless steel.  
  
Cody let out a cold laugh as he swallowed his food, staring at the large pieces of the broken plate for a second before shaking his head and deciding to ignore it. Like he ignored the groceries that had piled up on his table so he couldn’t eat there anymore, and the clothes by his bed that he couldn’t be bothered to wash. He walked past the table piled with cereal boxes and cans and pretended he liked eating by his counter, and that only Noel really saw his mess and he didn’t care either way.  
  
He sat at his desk fucking with the editing of the same video he’d been fussing with for days for about fifteen minutes before he was pulling his phone out of his pocket. He automatically pulled up Noel’s contact but backed out, calling Kelsey instead- he’d done enough damage with Noel in the last twenty-four hours.  
  
“Hey, what are you doing right now?”  
  
Kelsey hummed, “Uh, nothing. Coffee?”  
  
“Coffee sounds good.”  
  
They met at the little coffee shop between their places, and Cody didn’t say anything for a while after they found a little table in the shade outside and got their drinks. Kelsey was looking at him interestedly, but Cody stared at his coffee in favor of meeting her gaze. Which, of course, only stoked the flames of her curiosity.  
  
She smacked his shoulder lightly, “What’s with you?”  
  
Cody rubbed his arm, “Ow- _nothing,_ I haven’t been uh- sleeping well.”  
  
“Really? You look better than you usually do, actually.”  
  
“Okay, why didn’t anyone tell me I’ve looked like shit for a while now apparently?” Cody looked at her and she looked away.  
  
“Well, _because,”_ Kelsey said, fighting a smile, “you don’t kick the sad puppy, you just frown at it… and hope it stops eating your shoes.”  
  
“What?” Cody laughed out.  
  
“You look better today, let’s just focus on that,” she said into her straw.  
  
“Uh huh,” Cody deadpanned, taking a sip of his coffee, “I- uh- slept well last night.”  
  
“Okay, so what changed?”  
  
Cody didn’t respond, rotating his coffee cup between his hands for a second, “Do you like- hold hands with friends, ever?” he spoke without giving himself permission to again, and Kelsey looked at him blankly. His anxiety leaped into his throat, making itself known and tingling uneasily at the base of his jaw, creeping up his cheeks. He took a breath and continued, trying to sound casual.  
  
“Like- what would it take for you to hold hands with me?”  
  
Kelsey’s eyes widened, “Cody-,”  
  
“No, not,” Cody sputtered, and the wave of static swelled, “not like that, like- I mean if I was going through something or-,”  
  
_“Who_ is holding your hand?” Kelsey interrupted eagerly, loud enough that some girls sitting near them glanced over.  
  
“No one- I’m. Jesus, just forget it,” Cody took a breath and stared up at the sky, pleading with it to swallow him up, just this once. Hanging out with someone, talking, it was supposed to help. But he felt anxious as ever and it was pissing him off- it wasn’t working. Fuck.  
  
_“No way,_ you do not get to drag me all the way out here and then get all upset when I wanna know what you’re tip-toeing around,” Kelsey scoffed, taking a sip of her drink. Cody combed his fingers through his hair, frustrated on multiple levels. It had worked with Noel.  
  
“I can’t! I can’t even say it to myself, so you get the hypothetical or you get nothing,” Cody shot back, leaning his head on his hand and waiting for her to give.  
  
She pursed her lips after a few seconds, “Nothing, huh?”  
  
Cody raised his eyebrows, “Yeah. And it’s _really_ good.”  
  
“Yeah right, nothing ever happens with you,” Kelsey said indignantly, sitting back in her chair and crossing her arms. Cody shrugged innocently, and Kelsey’s face slowly got more and more pinched from where she sat.  
  
“Oh my fucking god, just tell me,” she burst out, slamming her hands on the table and jostling their drinks.  
  
“Nope, sorry.” He was responding to her but it was automatic, he was still trying to internally quell the anxiety, picturing the darkened road in front of him. Maybe he was more comfortable with Noel, maybe that was why.  
  
“Fine! I’ll take your stupid hypothetical hand holding problem,” she said, and Cody’s mind rejoined the conversation, he laughed in victory as she pouted, “is hand holding a euphemism?”  
  
“What?” Cody laughed, and then choked, “No! It’s holding hands.”  
  
“Give it to me again, from the top,” she said, taking another sip of her drink as she focused.  
  
“Sure, I’ll set the scene: me, a friend, in my car, it was late- I uh, I had a bad reaction to smoking weed,” Cody breezed over the white lie- he wasn’t interested in burdening everyone with his stupid anxiety, especially if his newfound remedy wasn’t even fucking working.  
  
“Aw, that sucks,” Kelsey frowned.  
  
“So they hold my hand, as I’m, like, calming down,” he left out the other touching stuff, the “baby” thing, but he wanted to know what she would say about the hands alone.  
  
“Hm…” she took another sip of her drink, “it could just be a comforting thing- if they’re _usually_ a touchy person.”  
  
“Huh.” Noel was not.  
  
“Like, if it was _me_ I would probably just, like, put a hand on your shoulder, or on your back. But I wouldn’t hold your hand, that’s a whole other thing,” Kelsey said dismissively.  
  
“Even if it was me, and I was like _freaking out,”_ Cody emphasized, and she pursed her lips again.  
  
“Cody, I mean, I care about you and everything, but holding your hand?” she shrugged, “that would be the last thing I thought of doing.”  
  
“Right,” Cody said, and though he was hearing the words she was saying, he wasn’t connecting it back to what happened yet. Just taking it in separately and trying to see if he agreed with her- that holding hands was more than friendly. He kinda felt like he did. The prickling feeling was in his fingertips now.  
  
“So you think she likes you?” Kelsey asked eagerly, grinning.  
  
Cody shook his head to clear it, “Who?”  
  
She chuckled, “Whoever was holding your fucking hand, moron.”  
  
“Oh,” Cody swallowed, pretending to look perplexed, “I’m not sure, I feel like my instincts are off.”  
  
“Gotta decide,” Kelsey said plainly, taking another sip of her drink.  
  
“Decide?”  
  
“If you like her back,” she said, “or if you’re okay with her still being into you while you stay friends.”  
  
Cody blinked, rubbing his hands over his face roughly, “Yeah. Decide.”  
  
Kelsey just looked at him in amusement, scrolling through her phone while he gathered himself enough to be ready for a normal conversation again. He swallowed and plastered an easy smile on his face, waiting patiently for her to bring up the next topic. The anxiety remained seated, the copilot of his end of the conversation, as it often was.  
  
**  
  
It was getting dark in his apartment, and he still couldn’t bring himself to get up and flip a single switch, so again he was awash in blue laying on his couch as the anxiety creeped up the couch cushion and absorbed into his skin. Or, that’s what it felt like sometimes. God, two nights in a row.  
  
He wouldn’t actually give a shit or even notice if it came for consecutive nights, but now all he could think about was how Noel said to call him. Noel said to call him, but he didn’t know how often it happened, and also he was kind of a source of Cody’s stress right now.  
  
Cody still hadn’t sat with the conversation with Kelsey and reconciled it with what happened in the car. _Later,_ his brain kept telling him, later. And fucking forget anything else relevant to the situation- including how Cody actually _felt_ about it. Whatever _it_ was.  
  
It was only midnight.  
  
Cody grabbed his phone and dialed, speaking as soon as he picked up.  
  
“You have to decide right now if you still want me to call you, because I get anxiety _a lot._ I don’t- I don’t keep track, but it’s a lot and you just saw me yesterday, so I get it if you-,”  
  
“Cody, slow down man,” Noel said, voice low enough that it stopped Cody’s train of thought.  
  
“I’m- I’m just saying. You have to decide.” Decide. Great, his life had a fucking theme now.  
  
“Decide what? If I should abandon your panicky ass just because you get anxiety every day?” Cody could hear the smile in Noel’s voice, and he swallowed.  
  
“Well. Yeah.”  
  
Noel took a breath, “I don’t know about you, but I don’t got a whole lot goin’ on after midnight most nights.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Unless I’m at a kickback or something, but even then I’m usually there _with you_ anyway.”  
  
Cody nodded to himself, a little peeved that he hadn’t thought of any of this while he was trying to logic his way out of the set up that Noel had requested. He knew what he was signing up for, apparently. Cody hadn’t accounted for that.  
  
“You still there?” Noel asked.  
  
Cody nodded before remembering his was on the phone, “Yeah- uh, yeah. Sorry.”  
  
“Just wondering. You leave your apartment at all today?”  
  
Cody chuckled, “Yeah, I left. Hated looking at everything, so I went and got coffee with Kelsey.”  
  
“What’s “everything”?” Noel asked, and Cody wondered what mundane task he was doing while he was on the phone- he sounded like his attention was divided.  
  
Cody ran a hand through his hair, “Nothing, I just- I like broke a plate, and I had all this shit I never put away- it’s nothing. Stupid, I just didn’t wanna stare at it all day.”  
  
“Ever consider cleaning it up?” Noel said, chuckling a bit.  
  
“Shut up dude, I obviously thought of that,” Cody shook his head, smiling to himself.  
  
“Ah, limbs ain’t workin’ huh?” Noel teased.  
  
“They do what they want,” Cody mumbled, gesturing uselessly, “so does my mouth, apparently.”  
  
There was silence on the line for a moment while Noel waited for Cody to realize what he said, and then they were speaking over each other so they just sounded like jumbled words and laughter blending together.  
  
“Sorry, _come again?”_ Noel laughed out.  
  
“I-,” Cody shut his eyes in embarrassment.  
  
“No, you gotta let me-,”  
  
_“NO-,”_ Cody whined.  
  
“What _exactly-,”_  
  
“Shut- _shut your fucking-,”_  
  
“-does that mouth do?”  
  
“Ugh,” Cody groaned as Noel laughed loudly in his ear, half smiling because it was still a win when he made Noel laugh that hard, even if it was at his expense, “Why do I even call you?”  
  
“Don’t pull that shit, I obviously make you feel better,” Noel said, “or else you wouldn’t even have called me after I asked you to.”  
  
“You didn’t ask, you told me to,” Cody pointed out, but Noel was right- earlier with Kelsey had provided no relief, but he could feel his veins dilating now with Noel, letting his blood flow easier, the prickling dissipating. It was uncanny.  
  
“You don’t have to listen to me,” Noel countered, “go ahead, hang up on me right now.”  
  
Cody’s brow furrowed, and he pulled his phone away from his face, thumb hovering over the end call button for a second before he shook his head, bringing the phone back up to his ear.  
  
Noel laughed at his silence, “And now you’re stuck because you’re not sure if you actually _wanna_ hang up on me since I told you to do it.”  
  
Cody groaned, holding back a laugh, “I don’t have the brain power for your mind games right now, man.”  
  
“You don’t have the brain power for shit dude, you hate thinking, period.”  
  
“Yeah well, I’ve done enough of it for one lifetime I think,” Cody sighed.  
  
“Mm,” Noel hummed, and Cody swallowed. They were quiet for a second, and Cody raised the volume on his phone so he could hear the ambient noises coming from Noel’s apartment. Ceiling fan, hum of AC, and just behind all that he could hear Noel’s breathing. Cody matched his breathing to his for a moment, feeling his face relax a little more.  
  
“You still wearing my hoodie?” Noel’s voice was too loud from the volume adjustment, and Cody fumbled his phone in surprise at the sound.  
  
“What?” Cody said kind of breathlessly even though he heard just fine, trying to make up for the few seconds it took for him to get his phone to his ear again. He was blushing just a little anyway, and Noel chuckled.  
  
“You’re still wearing it,” he said, the grin loud over the line, and Cody scrunched up his face with an apprehensive smile.  
  
“I’m still wearing it,” Cody said after a moment, and Noel didn’t laugh but Cody could fucking _hear_ the grin get wider, “it’s comfy, dude where’d you get this? Our fucking merch should be this nice.”  
  
“I don’t even remember anymore, that’s one of my old ones,” Noel said, “it’s probably just soft from being worn the fuck out.”  
  
Cody closed his eyes in realization, “I stole your favorite hoodie.”  
  
“You kinda did man, not gonna lie,” Noel said sheepishly.  
  
Cody hummed to himself, “I don’t have hoodies that are super worn in, I always get rid of shit.”  
  
“Oh, you callin’ me a hoarder now, I see how it is,” Noel joked, and Cody laughed.  
  
“I’m just saying!”  
  
Noel _tsk-ed,_ “And after you go and pull this girlfriend shit, too, taking my hoodie and refusing to return it. Or wash it.”  
  
“I’ll wash it, fuck, fine,” Cody said, pulling at the sleeves guiltily.  
  
“No, don’t, I wanna breathe in your musk the way you’re breathing in mine right now,” Noel said, breaking into a laugh midway through.  
  
Cody made a face, “Your fucking- _ew-_ your fucking _musk?”_  
  
“Tell me you don’t smell me in that thing. I was wearing it for a few days man, I’m as bad as you, it absolutely smells like my Old Spice shit,” Noel said.  
  
Cody blushed, god he was _so tired_ of blushing, knowing full well that he smelled it the second he slipped the hoodie over his head in the car, “Okay, yeah I smell it. The musk.”  
  
“I told you,” Noel laughed out, “I wear that hoodie a lot.”  
  
“I’ll give it back, don’t worry.”  
  
“You can give it back or you can fucking give me one of yours as collateral,” Noel said, “since it’s gonna take your lazy ass a month to put it to wash.”  
  
“I’ll wash it!” Cody insisted, stretching out a little more on the couch, the anxiety had settled into the back of his head neatly.  
  
“Uh huh,” Noel deadpanned.  
  
“I’m serious!”  
  
Noel clicked his tongue against his teeth, “Tell you what, just come through, bring one of your hoodies and we’ll do a little hostage negotiation.”  
  
“I- I’m gonna-,” Cody stammered uselessly, glancing toward his room where his mostly unwashed hoodies lay in piles around his bed.  
  
“I promise I’m not gonna peer pressure you or anything this time,” Noel said lightly, teasingly. Cody slammed his face down on the couch cushion, considering muting just so he could groan in frustration. He really wished weed worked for him. He did.  
  
“Fine, I’m on my way,” Cody said.  
  
“Bring a hoodie, I’m serious,” Noel said, and then hung up before Cody could protest any further. Cody let out the groan he’d wanted to emit earlier, but it wasn’t as satisfying after the fact. He lifted the collar of the hoodie and sniffed, and yeah, Noel was definitely woven into the fabric of the hoodie. He couldn’t miss it if he tried, maybe if he and Noel wore the same deodorant he wouldn’t give it a second thought. But they didn’t, so he would never know.  
  
Cody trudged toward his room and sighed, glancing at his mostly-empty closet for a second and glancing back defeatedly. He hated laundry. One of the larger piles in his room at the foot of his bed called to him so he rifled through it until he came up with one of his favorite hoodies- eye for an eye, maybe. It was one of their first merch hoodies for the podcast, a few iterations in when he finally felt like they knew what they were doing.  
  
It was one of his oldest hoodies- he hadn’t been lying when he said he got rid of shit. Everything carried memories with it, and it sucked to put on a shirt and look in the mirror just to remember that one party where he embarrassed himself, or just things that didn’t fit the way they used to in either direction. So he got rid of stuff. Someone else would find new joy in them.  
  
He guessed that Noel could find some new joy in this one. Noel didn’t wear their merch so much, definitely not the older stuff before they developed their brand aesthetic. But he also had a metric fuckton of hoodies- way more than Cody’s curated handful- so that probably had something to do with it.  
  
Cody threw it over his shoulder and headed for the door, grabbing his keys and doing a self-assessment before he left. Mostly good. He was a little stressed to get back in the car with Noel, but he was still doing the not-thinking-about-it thing, so he was repressing it pretty well. The phantom of Noel’s hand grazed his again and he clenched his fist against it, feeling his nails biting into his palm and erasing the feeling.  
  
But he couldn’t remember what it felt like, not really.  
  
Which might be part of why his mind kept reaching out for it, pressing it into his skin. To try and remember, when Cody most thought he wanted to forget.  
  
No big deal. He’d figure out what to get rid of to erase the memory another time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a wild kelsey appears :') hope y'all are still liking this! lmk what you think in the comments, kudos if you haven't already !


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic Attacks

The drive helped, at least a little bit. There were still cars on the road, so it took longer than it did the night before to get to Noel’s place, but at least Cody had a little time to clear his head, clench his fist a few more times. Pink little crescent marks were left in the wake of his fingernails, steadily getting an angrier red as the traffic around him slowed and stopped and started again. He let go of the wheel for a second and massaged his hand, and god, what the fuck was the matter with him?  
  
He tried to remember the last time someone held his hand, but nothing specific came to mind, just the vague idea of different past girlfriends, dark movie theaters, and long drives. Flashes of Noel’s steady gaze, easy smile, and the way their hands looked intertwined broke into his train of thought and he groaned, resting his head on the steering wheel.  
  
Fuck it. He had to hold Noel’s hand again.  
  
A car honked behind him and he jolted upright, having totally forgotten he was driving for a second. He gestured in apology and moved forward the short length between him and the car in front of him. Cody drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, glancing at the hoodie in the passenger seat. He didn’t know why he needed to hold Noel’s hand again, he just needed to see something- to see if it would take the feeling away, or if Noel would have some kind of explanation.  
  
Because they didn’t do that.  
  
Beyond the occasional passing brush of shoulders, a fist bump here and there, at most an arm over each other’s shoulders after some drunken night to lean on each other- they didn’t do that. Cody let out a slow breath, wondering if it had just been a knee jerk reaction to seeing him cry and not knowing how to help him.  
  
Well, it worked. Cody was comforted for the hour or so that Noel had held his hand, his thumb idly soothing over the back of Cody’s hand as they talked and Cody came down from his high.  
  
(Maybe he remembered more about the feeling than he cared to let on to himself).  
  
“I should just leave it,” Cody muttered, almost spooking himself with a fear of being candid about it on his own, not just speaking rhetorically with Kelsey in a detached way.  
  
He pulled off of the highway and drove the few minutes to Noel’s place- and okay, maybe the drive hadn’t helped. He pulled in next to Noel’s car and sent him a text, closed his eyes and leaned back as he waited for Noel to come down.  
  
The sound of the door opening startled him, and Noel laughed as the picked up the hoodie and got in the car.  
  
“Kind of a cop out with the merch hoodie, but I’ll take it,” Noel said, shaking his head with laughter and turning to Cody.  
  
Cody glanced at where Noel was holding the hoodie, “How is that a cop out? I like that hoodie!”  
  
“Aw, you’re such a fuckin’ softie dude,” Noel teased, elbowing him and chuckling.  
  
Cody made a face, “I’m not- come on, I like our merch and that makes me soft?”  
  
“No, you’re _already_ soft, and you keeping really old merch and equating it to a hoodie that I’ve had since before I knew you makes you even softer.”  
  
“This hoodie is older than our friendship?” Cody pulled at the fabric of the hoodie and stared at Noel in disbelief.  
  
Noel shrugged, slipping the hoodie that Cody gave him on and rolling up the sleeves, “Yeah, it’s not a big deal.”  
  
“No, this is stupid, just take your hoodie back-,” Cody started to pull the hoodie off.  
  
“Cody, don’t-,” Noel leaned across the center console and stopped Cody’s hands from pulling it over his shoulders, holding both of his hands firmly and tugging them back down. Cody froze, staring into Noel’s eyes, still bright with the beginnings of a laugh.  
  
Noel brought his hands the rest of the way down and Cody just let it happen, feeling a knot in his throat and his heartbeat quicken. Noel looked at him calculatingly, let go of Cody’s hands and adjusted the hoodie so it was on him properly again.  
  
“Take it home,” Noel said evenly, “wear it for however long, wash it, bring it back.”  
  
Cody was still for a few seconds too long, finally nodding and smiling awkwardly, wringing his hands idly as Noel sat back in his seat. He felt a little bit like he was about to have an anxiety attack, but then not quite. He looked down at Noel’s hands resting in his lap.  
  
“Is it bad tonight?” Noel asked quietly, and Cody’s eyes went back to his face, the neutral worried expression he used when he didn’t want to let on his concern. Too bad Cody already knew that face.  
  
Cody swallowed, “A little.”  
  
Noel turned his body to face him in the passenger seat, “You wanna talk about it?”  
  
Cody gritted his teeth, angry suddenly, “Can we just drive?” He didn’t want to talk about it, he was tired to death of talking about it, though they’d barely talked about it at all. It still felt like every conversation was secretly about how he was dealing with it, if he was okay. Reading between the lines, watching for his reactions, like couldn’t they just hang out? Couldn’t everything just be normal?  
  
Noel just nodded and sat back in his seat, buckling his seatbelt as Cody pulled out of the parking spot and onto the road, heading for the hills. They were quiet for a while but it felt way too loud, like the blood roaring in his ears was screaming for attention.  
  
Cody ignored it, lowered the windows and sped up as they got into the part of the hills that didn’t have as many streetlights, zoning into that space where the road appeared and disappeared in his headlights. He could still feel the pressure of Noel’s hands on his as he eased Cody’s hands down on his skin, stronger with the whipping wind feeling like a touch he couldn’t fight off.  
  
“Cody, slow down man,” Noel said over the sound of the wind, but Cody could barely process his words- ignoring him, the wind, his thoughts, the sting of tears in his eyes again for another reason he couldn’t name.  
  
“Cody.” Noel said again, and Cody didn’t respond. Noel put a hand over his on the wheel, and Cody almost jerked the wheel away, stopping himself at the daunting thought. He took in a gasping breath and looked at Noel, concern coloring his features.  
  
“Fuck, sorry, fuck,” Cody said, and eased off of the gas, breathing coming fast as he tried to pull over, eventually giving up. Noel got his other hand on the wheel and maneuvered them to the onto the grass on the side of the road.  
  
“Cody, hit the brakes,” he said calmly, and Cody did, covering his face with his hands as Noel put them in park.  
  
Noel unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car, going around the car to Cody’s side and opening the door. Cody was hyperventilating, sitting up and gripping the steering wheel just for something to hold on to as he trembled, his chest aching as his heart felt like it was beating way too fast.  
  
Noel’s hands were on his face again, “Cody, hey, _hey,_ it’s okay.”  
  
“What’s happening?” Cody gasped out, holding his chest with one hand.  
  
“You’re having a panic attack, just slow your breathing man, you’re gonna be okay,” Noel said, and helped him out of the car so they were both sitting in the grass, Noel kneeling in front of him as Cody hugged his knees to his chest.  
  
“I- I can’t,” Cody said, shutting his eyes tightly.  
  
Noel cradled his face with one hand, “Hey, look at me, you’re okay. It’s gonna pass.”  
  
He sounded so sure. Cody stared into his eyes, feeling dizzy and like his vision was closing in, “I think I’m gonna pass out,” he gasped out, putting one hand down on the ground and closing his fist around the grass. His breathing wouldn’t slow down, he felt like he was drowning but still found enough room in his head to be embarrassed about the whole situation. He dropped his head to look at the grass in his hand, not really feeling it because his hands had gone numb.  
  
His breathing sped up even more at the realization, his eyes stinging with tears.  
  
“Look at me, look at me,” Noel said, cradling Cody’s face in both hands, and Cody thought idly that Noel’s eyes were green like the grass before Noel was kissing him.  
  
Everything stopped.  
  
Noel’s mouth was soft. Cody thought he knew everything about Noel and all the stupid thoughts he ever had but Noel was kissing him and his mouth was soft and Cody hadn’t ever wondered about that. He was frozen for a few seconds before half on instinct he was kissing back, and then they were really kissing, on the side of the road in the grass with tears streaming down Cody’s face.  
  
Noel pulled away just as Cody’s hands started to inch toward him, out of the grass. Noel was looking down, gaze unfocused and brows furrowed, and Cody knew that he probably looked as flushed and awed and desperate as he felt. He tried to school his features as Noel looked at him again, and Cody didn’t know what he was expecting to see in his face, but his expression was cold, blank.  
  
“You stopped hyperventilating,” Noel said.  
  
Cody felt the blood drain from his face. He had stopped hyperventilating- the sensation was returning to his hands, his heart was returning to a normal place. Fuck. Noel was trying to stop his hyperventilating- by kissing him- and Cody had kissed him back and now the air felt thick between them.  
  
“Yeah,” Cody choked out after a minute.  
  
Noel nodded once and started to stand, holding out a hand to pull Cody to his feet along with him. They were quiet for a little while, leaning against the car, and Cody wished he had a cigarette for the first time in a few years. Just for something to do with his hands- they never tell you how you’ll miss having something to do with your hands. He couldn’t look at Noel, he couldn’t stand the idea that Noel couldn’t look at him either, and god, why didn’t he just stay parked at Noel’s apartment? Fucking moron, had a panic attack while driving and almost got them both killed.  
  
Cody cleared his throat, “I’m- I’m sorry-,”  
  
Noel interrupted, “No, I’m sorry, I read that about stopping panic attacks somewhere once and-,”  
  
“I almost crashed the car, seriously, I’m sorry-,”  
  
“Well I- yeah. Yeah.” Noel said uselessly, and Cody finally looked back up at him. He was unreadable this time, and Cody just half-smiled.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“We’re still good, right?” Noel asked, gesturing between them.  
  
“Of course, dude. I mean if you- if- yeah,” Cody stuttered, watching for any change in his expression, “We’re cool.”  
  
“Let’s just not talk about it,” Noel chuckled dryly.  
  
“Totally agree,” Cody said, voice a little tight. All Cody wanted to do was touch his mouth in this strange confusion and awe of the sensation Noel had left him with, and now they weren’t supposed to talk about it. Only a few hours ago Cody had been thinking about holding his hand.  
  
“I’ll drive us back,” Noel said, reaching for the driver’s side door that was still open. Still open because Noel had helped him out of the car and kissed him and Cody was fucking stuck on that.  
  
“Wh-,”  
  
“You almost got us killed, Cody, no offense,” Noel chuckled, and went to sit in the driver’s side, leaving Cody standing there.  
  
“Fair enough,” Cody said into the open air.  
  
He crossed to the passenger side and got in the car, glancing sideways at Noel as he started the car. He failed to stifle a laugh- they were just supposed to forget about this? As if it was a no big deal, one off, forgettable moment that didn’t start something in Cody that he was already trying to stamp out? He laughed as Noel pulled back onto the road.  
  
“What?”  
  
Cody couldn’t help it. At the very least he was gonna tease Noel about it if he didn’t get to actually fucking talk about it.  
  
“You’re a good kisser, dude,” Cody chuckled out, and Noel choked.  
  
_“Stop,_ oh my god-,”  
  
Cody laughed, “I’m serious. I’m fucking reeling. Where’d you read that?”  
  
“I- I don’t remember, some Healthline something or whatever,” Noel mumbled, blushing a little bit, and Cody felt triumphant to finally be the one causing the blushing.  
  
“Ah, yeah, yeah that sounds legit,” Cody hummed, and Noel shook his head.  
  
“Man, I meant it when I said we weren’t gonna talk about this,” Noel said, and Cody laughed.  
  
“But-,”  
  
“Serious. We’re not gonna joke about it, you’re not gonna ask about it, we’re not gonna talk about it,” Noel said, and Cody just chuckled, thinking about all the potential it had.  
  
“This would’ve been _killer_ on the podcast-,”  
  
_“Especially_ not on the podcast, Cody I swear to god-,” Noel fixed a glare on him.  
  
“Okay!” Cody said, and he was angry again, glaring right back, “Fuck me right, _you_ kiss _me,_ _you_ make the rules. Got it.”  
  
Noel was quiet for a minute before speaking again, “Don’t be like that, I was doing you a favor.”  
  
Cody rolled his eyes, “I thought we weren’t talking about this.”  
  
“We’re not.”  
  
The drive back was filled with tense silence as Noel drove the speed limit through the roads that Cody had raced past. Cody wished he was driving so he could get home faster, get into his bed and fucking cry again or whatever the occasion called for when he walked through his front door. He felt stupid. He’d had this weird fixation on the change in their physical interactions- which had been totally started by Noel, every single instance- and Noel kept turning it back around on him. He couldn’t be making it up, even Kelsey said that- that-  
  
God damn it. Cody was going through way too much already for all of this to suddenly come crashing down. Noel was who Cody turned to when he felt off, and for the past few days he couldn’t do that because it was about _them_ and this weird tension that had come out of fucking nowhere. So now Cody’s stupid fucking issues were gonna leak into his work and it was all because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and deal with his problems on his own.  
  
He was tearing up a bit when Noel finally parked at his apartment, but he wiped the stray tears with the sleeve of Noel’s hoodie and stayed staring out the passenger side window. They didn’t say anything for a few minutes, just sat in the car waiting for the other to say something first. Eventually Noel unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the car door, which is precisely when Cody got the courage to say what he wanted to say.  
  
“Can I still call you? When I’m- when I’m freaking out or whatever?”  
  
Noel was half out the door, and he stopped, turned back to Cody.  
  
“I already told you, Cody, I’m always gonna pick up the phone when you call,” Noel said, and wow, why had Cody never noticed before how green his eyes were before tonight? It was, like, fucking mesmerizing.  
  
“Okay,” Cody said softly, and Noel left.  
  
Cody watched him go until he couldn’t see him anymore, and only then did he angrily rub at his face and bang his fists on the dashboard until it hurt. He crawled over the center console into the driver’s seat and started the car, blaring whatever playlist was on so loudly that it didn’t sound like there were any words. He drove home that way, trying to let a sense of numbness take over so that he could make it home in one piece.  
  
When he got home he yanked off Noel’s hoodie and went to the washer, shoving it in heatedly. He poured the soap in and started it, walking away and setting a timer on his phone so he could put it in the dryer as soon as it was done.  
  
Cody shed the rest of his clothes on the way to his room, getting in his bed in just his boxer briefs and shoving his face in his pillow to scream. He hadn’t had many crises, so he supposed he deserved one after so many years. He briefly considered texting the guy he knew could hook him up with some xanax just so he could feel relaxed for a little while, but decided against it.  
  
He had to face this, Cody decided. Ignoring it clearly wouldn’t work. He sat up and scrubbed his hands over his face. Okay. So, it turned out that maybe he was gay- or bi, or pan, or something. Attracted to men. Well, _a_ man. Attracted to whatever that kiss was from Noel.  
  
Fuck, okay fuck, fuck fuck.  
  
Had he just been attracted to him the whole time? Cody groaned and laid back down again, not even sure of that. He’d finally allowed himself to think it, and that was something. At least he could start thinking about it. Noel kissing him graced his memory again, and he let out a sigh. Noel _was_ a good kisser. Cody hadn’t used tongue or anything and neither had Noel, but fuck. _Fuuuuck,_ just imagining it was- wow okay, that was new. Or, he just hadn’t ever thought to consider it before, but fuck, it was hot.  
  
Cody laughed to himself, the idea of thinking of Noel as hot, imagining him sucking on Cody’s tongue and running his hands through Cody’s hair- maybe pulling a little. It was weird, like, Noel was his friend but something had happened, something had changed. Noel had started being sweet and touching on him and it fucking awakened something in Cody that he had no idea about and now he just wanted to stick his hand down his pants and-  
  
Okay he wasn’t quite there yet, but imagining it was cool.  
  
But it was also bad, like really bad, because Noel was his best friend, his business partner, his fucking everything and now, well _this._ Was he actually _into_ Noel or was this just Cody realizing something and Noel just happened to be the one to bring it to the surface?  
  
Cody shoved his face into his pillow again as the memory of Noel’s lips on his flickered through his senses. God, what was he, sixteen again? And why hadn’t he figured this out when he _was_ sixteen? What a fucking joke.  
  
Worse was that he still wasn’t even sure one way or the other. Noel could’ve just been a _really_ good kisser while Cody was just comfortable with his sexuality. Also, he hadn’t been kissed or touched in a non-platonic way in a few months, which could even explain Cody’s reaction to Noel holding his hand or whatever. This could be nothing. Cody could be totally straight.  
  
Noel’s grass green eyes flashed through his mind, worried wrinkles at the corners of his eyes.  
  
Well. Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this can be a distraction for y'all during this election, lmao. leave a comment letting me know what you think!! ♥


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> basically listened to ARE WE STILL FRIENDS? by Tyler the Creator on repeat for this one, and yeah I recommend it

Cody took a few drives without calling Noel over the week that followed the little panic attack incident. Cody wished that he could lose his phone for a few days and actually take stock of himself- maybe for the first time ever- but he couldn’t do that, so he did the next best thing and mostly ignored Noel’s messages. To an extent.  
  
They were still texting about projects and they had the podcast to film and all, but Cody definitely withdrew otherwise, deciding that he needed a little space from both his realization and Noel’s reaction to the- the fucking kiss. Cody was trying to force himself to call it what it was, even in his own head, because his tendency to sweep things under the rug had him waking up the morning after it happened- _the kiss, the kiss_ happened- certain that it was a fleeting feeling and it would pass.  
  
It wasn’t.  
  
“It wasn’t a fluke,” he said aloud to himself as he sped down the highway, even emptier than usual so his foot fell even heavier on the gas pedal.  
  
His phone buzzed in the center console, and he already knew who it would be.  
  
**Noel: you can’t just keep ignoring me yk**  
  
Cody scoffed, fighting back the urge to slam his phone back down- he’d broken another plate over the weekend and decided to Prime Now some paper plates before he fucked up his remaining ceramic plates. They were nice plates too, he half debated using the broken pieces for something, but he wasn’t artsy in a way that would aid in doing something with them. So he trashed them, and now he ate off of paper plates and gently put his phone back down after texting Noel back. Because some things didn’t have a three dollar fix.  
  
**Cody: i’m not.**  
  
He pulled off of the highway, deciding to drive somewhere he could just park and think for a while. Driving was better for clearing his head than it was for trying to reevaluate his whole life, apparently, so Cody was open to suggestions from the universe. _Waiting_ for the universe, even, to give him a sign or a fucking call or a drug trip that would figure this out for him.  
  
His phone buzzed again.  
  
“Fucking- come on,” Cody groaned, grabbing for his phone again.  
  
**Noel: work talk doesn’t count**  
  
**Noel: cody.**  
  
Cody let out a breath of frustration, putting his phone down and focusing on driving through the hills until he found a place to pull onto the grass. He got out of the car and stretched, rubbing at his eyes almost painfully before grabbing his phone and his keys and going to sit on the hood of his car. The little swell he’d chosen looked over a portion of the city, bright and a smog gray all at once, and he stared at it while thoughts without words passed between his temples.  
  
Noel’s hoodie had been sitting in his backseat since the morning after, clean and dry and folded. Cody wanted him to have it back, he hated that Noel could think that he was so predictable down to the kind of anxieties that would prevent Cody from washing his hoodie and returning it. It was stupid- he wanted Noel to know him, and he did, but the second that he said he had Cody pinned down all Cody wanted to do was prove him wrong. Because for all their friendship and shared idiosyncrasies, Cody still looked at Noel and wondered what he was thinking while Noel did the opposite.  
  
And that had gotten all twisted up in Cody’s sudden plunge into questioning his sexuality, and he couldn’t untangle them without- without something. He didn’t know what the something was. What the fuck, why didn’t anyone tell him how quickly something so simple could get so complicated?  
  
His phone buzzed, repeatedly this time, and he glanced down to see that Noel was calling him. He wanted to fucking toss his phone as far as it would go, watch it sail down the hills. Broken plates. Three dollar fixes.  
  
“Hey. You there?”  
  
Cody sniffed, rubbing his nose on the sleeve of his second favorite hoodie, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m here.”  
  
“You finally gonna talk to me?” Noel asked.  
  
Cody shrugged, “I’ve _been_ talking to you, I don’t know what you’re talking about-,”  
  
“Man, don’t come in here with that bullshit, rearranging schedules and talking copy for ad reads isn’t a conversation,” Noel interrupted.  
  
“Fine, whatever. _Converse,_ then.”  
  
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Noel said after a minute, and Cody shuddered.  
  
“I- I’m. Nothing.”  
  
“Dude.”  
  
“What do you want?” Cody snapped, “I’m talking, I answered the phone, I’m here.”  
  
“You might be on the line but your head is somewhere else, man,” Noel said, and Cody wished he didn’t sound so calm, “Talk to me.”  
  
“I got nothing to say, dude,” Cody said robotically, flinching when Noel took an audible breath and elaborating, “I’m going through something. I don’t know what it is yet.”  
  
Noel paused, “Okay…”  
  
“Ugh, I just. I want to go back a few days and start over.”  
  
“Yeah,” Noel said quietly.  
  
Cody shook his head, “There’s- it’s not what you think. Or, it is, but not the way you think.”  
  
“Uh, right,” Noel said unconvincingly.  
  
“I could tell you- or actually I think I can’t, maybe,” Cody laughed coldly, “But then again that probably means I can’t tell _anyone_ since you’re apparently the right lobe of my fucking brain.”  
  
“Man what’s happening with you, I’ve never heard you keyed up like this,” Noel sounded half amused and half concerned, which was scary somehow.  
  
Cody chuckled, “Right? That’s what I keep thinking, it’s so-,” he swallowed, “no one ever tells you that it can feel like out of nowhere?”  
  
Noel was quiet so Cody went on, “Like I was sitting perfectly happy in the dark and then the light just fucking clicked on.”  
  
Cody could practically hear Noel trying to process what he was saying, “Cody, just tell me. You can tell me, like you said I probably already know. I’m the other half of your brain or whatever.”  
  
Cody spoke quickly this time, “See, but this time I feel like you don’t. Because I didn’t, and so then how would you?”  
  
“Well-,”  
  
“And I still kind of don’t know! So what does that mean?” Cody was breathing a little heavily, staring out at the skyline.  
  
“Cody, slow down for me for a second okay?” Noel said carefully, and Cody just laid back on the hood of his car, resting his head on his free arm.  
  
“No one ever tells you, why doesn’t anyone tell you?” Cody whispered.  
  
“Breathe with me for a second, breathe with me.”  
  
Cody raised the volume all the way and timed his breathing with Noel’s, closing his eyes and again searching for the ambient noises of Noel’s apartment. He could hear the coffee maker, the AC, the audible sound of Noel swallowing after a few minutes.  
  
Cody slowly lowered the volume down to normal and spoke again, “I’ve been driving again.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“You don’t know everything.”  
  
“Here’s a new one: I know that too.”  
  
“Fuck,” Cody let out a quiet laugh, “thanks for calling me.”  
  
“Thanks for picking up.”  
  
They were quiet for a bit, and Cody almost kind of fell asleep until Noel spoke again.  
  
“Where are you?”  
  
“I’m parked out here in the hills. I would say it’s a nice night, but it’s just hot,” Cody pulled at his hoodie where it had started to stick to his skin.  
  
“Yeah, well that’s just what people say,” Noel said, taking a breath before continuing, “come pick me up.”  
  
Cody glanced away warily and nodded, “Okay.”  
  
They stayed on the line for a few minutes longer, neither of them speaking. Eventually Cody hung up and got back in his car, wondering if this was the sign from the universe or the three dollar fix.  
  
**  
  
He was parked outside Noel’s apartment with the volume high, his seat reclined most of the way, and his eyes closed when he opened the passenger side door and got in.  
  
“Bruh you cannot bump Frank Ocean right now, are you kidding?” Noel laughed, lowering the volume as Cody shook his head and adjusted his seat.  
  
“Shut up,” he laughed, but he wasn’t really looking at Noel. He fiddled with the volume for a second with Noel’s burning gaze on him, finally taking a breath and meeting it.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
“Hi,” Cody said weakly, glancing away again.  
  
It was quiet for a second before Noel spoke, “The roads pretty clear tonight?”  
  
“Sunday night, so,” Cody shrugged, “Oh, um, here.”  
  
He reached into the backseat and picked up Noel’s hoodie, still folded and warm from sitting in his car all week when he passed it off to Noel. Noel looked between him and the hoodie for a second.  
  
“Oh. You didn’t have to give it back already-,”  
  
Cody interrupted, “No, no I wanted to. Thank you, by the way.”  
  
“Yeah man, no worries,” Noel unfolded it and folded it over itself once, putting it on the dashboard.  
  
“It’s like the only laundry I did this week,” Cody said, “I don’t know what it is about laundry.”  
  
“You just hate waiting around for shit,” Noel chuckled, “you’re the most impatient ass person I’ve ever met.”  
  
“Well it should fucking be faster!” Cody laughed, turning toward Noel easier now, “why does it take so fucking long? Everything should just be faster.”  
  
“I’m pretty sure they’re working on that, like, all the time man,” Noel chuckled.  
  
“I mean _everything._ Driving should be faster, going to fucking school should be faster, just everything,”  
  
“Yeah?” Noel looked at him endearingly.  
  
“Yeah. That way you just have more time for- for the rest,” Cody stared out the windshield now.  
  
“What’s the rest?”  
  
Cody shrugged, looking down at his hands, “I dunno, just- the rest of it. The finding yourself part, and fucking. Enlightenment or something.”  
  
Noel reached over and angled Cody’s face toward his with a hand on his chin, “Have you been smoking unsupervised?”  
  
Cody chuckled nervously, pushing his hand away, “No, dude, I’m serious. We waste so much fucking time.”  
  
Noel nodded, “On laundry.”  
  
“Yeah. On laundry,” Cody repeated.  
  
Noel just looked at him, the smile fading slowly from his eyes but not quite leaving. He eyed Cody carefully, “You ready to stop talking in rhetoricals yet?”  
  
“No,” Cody said, then laughed, slumping forward and resting his head on the steering wheel.  
  
“You wanna drive?”  
  
“No,” Cody said again, not moving from the steering wheel, “fuck no, I almost killed us last- no.” He almost brought it up. Fuck.  
  
“You want me to drive?” Noel asked after a second and Cody sat up abruptly.  
  
“I need you to be my best friend again.”  
  
“Shut up, I am your best friend, dumbass,” Noel chuckled.  
  
“I’m serious, something disconnected after- after. And I need you to be my best friend before I say the next part,” Cody said anxiously, fixing Noel with a nervous stare.  
  
Noel nodded, “Okay. Serious. I’m your best friend.”  
  
“Okay?”  
  
“Yeah. What’s going on?”  
  
Cody swallowed, and closed his eyes, “I- I think I might be gay?” It was quiet for a second, and Cody turned toward Noel whose face was totally blank. He motioned for Noel to fucking say something- because holy shit _say anything._  
  
“Uh- what do you mean you think?” Noel asked, and Cody let out a shaky breath, “where’s this coming from all of a sudden?”  
  
“Um. Well. I- when the- you know what forget it, I can’t do this-,” he opened the car door to leave but Noel grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back into the car, the door shutting as he did.  
  
“No, you needed to talk about it, so now we’re talking about this. That’s how processing shit works, Cody.”  
  
“Well it’s fucking stupid,” Cody spat, crossing his arms and slouching in his seat.  
  
“Yeah well, that’s how it is,” Noel said, still trying to catch Cody’s gaze, “You gonna tell me?”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“What made all this come up, out of nowhere?” Noel asked again, and Cody swallowed, cheeks heating. He wished he hadn’t worn a fucking hoodie again.  
  
In lieu of answering, Cody finally met Noel’s gaze and stared pointedly, silently begging for him to connect the fucking dots. Noel just stared back at him in confusion for a few seconds, and then his eyebrows un-furrowed and he blinked as he realized.  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Yeah, “oh.” Fuck, see this is why I shouldn’t have said anything-,”  
  
“Cody-,”  
  
Cody was rambling, “And I brought up the thing that you said not to, okay, fuck I should’ve just-,”  
  
“You said you think. Like you’re still not sure.”  
  
“I don’t- I don’t have any experience with guys,” Cody whispered the last part, turning back to Noel whose gaze was a hundred miles away, “and with you it was all adrenaline and, you _are_ a really good kisser and-,”  
  
“Stop, just stop for a second. Slow down.”  
  
“You’re the one who wanted me to talk about it,” Cody said, throwing his hands up in surrender, “here I am, talking about it. Fuck.”  
  
He glanced at Noel out of the corner of his eye, but he still looked like he was figuring out a math problem, god how did he guard his emotions like that? He was probably just being fucking nice, and inside he was totally freaked out that Cody was in love with him or something stupid like that. Cody shut his eyes tightly and begged the universe for another exit on this stupid highway of his life.  
  
“Didn’t you do the whole college thing? Isn’t half the point to find shit out like this? And you were in a fucking frat,” Noel said, gesturing vaguely.  
  
“I fucking missed the bus on experimenting, apparently, okay? I had, like, consecutive girlfriends in college dude, I wasn’t even- this wasn’t even a question.” It hadn’t been, Cody was pretty sure that he’d had the fucking perfect college experience up until a few days ago. He was an athlete, girls loved him, he breezed through his classes, tried a stupid amount of drugs, made friends he still talked to after college. He hadn’t even thought to question any part of it.  
  
“Didn’t you like your girlfriends?” Noel asked.  
  
“I-,”  
  
“I’m not trying to- I’m just talking this out with you okay?” Noel interrupted gently, “I’m with you dude, no matter who you end up being with, you get that right?”  
  
“Thanks,” Cody murmured, rubbing his temples with his fingertips, “Fucking christ, this is beyond surreal. And I don’t know, I _thought_ I liked those girls. But, I don’t know.”  
  
“Right. So you need more experience. To be sure.”  
  
“Uh. Yeah. Yeah, I guess,” Cody hadn’t really gotten that far in the figuring it out part.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Okay what?” Cody turned toward Noel and he was leaning across the center console, _“Whoa,_ what are you doing?”  
  
“You need experience,” Noel said, like it was obvious, “I’m gonna kiss you again.”  
  
Cody blushed all the way down his chest, “That’s not- that’s not what I- what you-,”  
  
“Dude, you’re a public figure. What are you gonna do, go out to a gay bar where people might recognize you when you’re just trying to figure some shit out?”  
  
Cody blinked, “Uh-,”  
  
“Or get on Grindr and run into fans? I’m not trying to scare you, I’m just being real. Think about it,” Noel said, and Cody felt tightness in his chest at just the idea of trying to maneuver this while a million people watched.  
  
“I- well I didn’t fucking think about it. I don’t know, I keep thinking like that I’ll have a moment where the universe just tells me what’s what.”  
  
“Yeah, no, I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works,” Noel chuckled a little.  
  
“Well how the fuck would you know?” Cody whined, half laughing, “have _you_ ever thought-?”  
  
“Not really, man,” Noel said, and Cody studied his face. He took a second to be grateful that Noel was handling this with all the grace that Cody didn’t have, but his face was open and honest and a part of Cody went a little sad at the response. He didn’t acknowledge it just then, because that was a whole other fucking thing he wasn’t ready to deal with, but it was there, like the aftertaste of something on the back of his tongue. Noel tilted his head as Cody sat silently looking at him, and Cody finally let out a breath, tearing his gaze away from his eyes.  
  
“God, I keep hoping that this is _normal-,”_  
  
“Bro, it _is_ normal. Not for straight dudes, but I mean, it’s normal.”  
  
“Right,” Cody sighed. Noel didn’t say anything while Cody drummed his fingers on the steering wheel mindlessly, wondering if they’d already moved past Noel’s proposition from a few minutes ago. His heart raced as he imagined kissing Noel again- something he hadn’t considered as he lied in bed replaying it over and over again in his mind. The memory was already worn around the edges and Cody hadn’t even decided if he liked men or not. He wasn’t even sure that kissing Noel would bring him any sort of realization, since Noel was gorgeous objectively, and anyone would find it appealing to kiss him. Or maybe that was just the not-straight part of Cody chiming in again. Wait, fuck- did other people not think that some guys were objectively hot?  
  
Noel broke the silence that encompassed Cody’s train of thought, “Listen, did you like kissing me?”  
  
Cody blushed again, “I- well. Yeah, I liked kissing you.”  
  
“So?” Noel said, and tilted his head again with a smile and okay, how was that fair? That wasn’t fair, Cody was trying to be ethical about their friendship and Noel was looking at him with those eyes, and that mouth that Cody knew was soft and-  
  
“Okay, I- I see your point just- can you give me a second?” Cody said, trying not to sound as breathless as he felt, and Noel nodded, sitting back in his seat.  
  
Cody opened the car door and got out, needing just a moment of privacy to freak out about the situation he was in. He walked a few paces away from the car until he felt like Noel couldn’t see him and ran his hands through his hair, pulling a little bit like he could wake up at any minute and find this was all a really detailed dream. Noel was just offering himself up for Cody to experiment with, and that was not even anywhere near how Cody thought this would go- even if it was just a kiss. Just a kiss. Right.  
  
Totally not a big deal. Cody had made out with more strangers than he could count or even remember- and they were strangers. This was a friend. Noel. Fuck, fuck.  
  
Whatever, he had already done it, and that was through tears and after almost killing them, so even if he totally fucked this up, there’s no way it could be worse than that. Yeah. Okay, that worked.  
  
He got back in the car, running his hand through his hair before turning back to Noel who was waiting with a little smirk that Cody so resented in that moment.  
  
“You good?” Noel asked.  
  
“Shut up,” Cody blushed, glancing down at Noel’s mouth helplessly.  
  
“You don’t have to do anything, dude, I was just-,”  
  
“No- I want to. Okay?” Cody cut in.  
  
“That’s- yeah. Okay.”  
  
Noel started to lean across the console and Cody met him halfway, so they were both hovering just a few inches away from each other for a moment, sharing the same breath, before Noel closed the distance. God, his mouth was soft. Cody kissed him, gentle, safe, and pulled away. It was nice, Cody thought for a second, and then Noel cradled his chin with one hand and brought him back in. His mouth was slick against Cody’s, and Cody breathed in as Noel deepened the kiss, licking into Cody’s mouth effortlessly. Cody was soft and yielding against him, catching Noel’s plush bottom lip between his teeth when Noel withdrew a bit, his hands coming up to frame Noel’s face as heat bloomed in his chest, kissing Noel intensely as he got lost in the moment. Cody couldn’t get enough, not asking questions or having answers or any kind of thought of all until they broke the kiss, coming up for air.  
  
They hovered in each other’s space for just a moment, Noel the first to back away while Cody stayed there, cheeks flushed so pink that the shade should be named after him. He felt miles away, lightyears even, planets and planets away.  
  
He looked up at Noel whose expression was somewhere between analyzing and charmed. A small smile was on his lips while he was completely still, like any sudden movement would scare Cody away like a deer in the woods.  
  
“Don’t say anything,” Noel said when Cody eventually opened his mouth to say something- maybe just to moan- and Cody was grateful.  
  
Cody nodded and Noel went on, “Just- uh- ruminate on that. For a while. Sleep on it. I’ll see you- tomorrow?” Cody looked at him blankly, “text me. Bye.”  
  
Cody could tell that Noel was holding back a chuckle out of politeness, because even as Noel left- forgetting the hoodie on the dashboard- Cody knew his face said it all. He didn’t have to say anything because he looked in awe- all doe-eyed and soft, blushy and smiley in a way he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt. He stayed in the parking spot for a while, totally spaced out, before he eventually drove home. Cody stripped and got into bed, weirdly understanding what it meant to be floating on cloud nine for the first time. What did this mean? He wasn’t sure yet, but he was gonna take Noel’s advice and sleep on it. And dream about it.  
  
Definitely dream about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are loving reading this as much as I am writing it <3  
> talk to me in the comments! lmk what you think is going on with Noel 👀 hahahaha or just tell me what you liked about this chapter!  
> and leave kudos if you haven't already ! ♥


	6. Chapter 6

Cody had found the motivation both to shower and to do a little more laundry when he woke up- even if it was just the clothes he was gonna wear for the day. As he put the clothes into the dryer he reminded himself that the motivation just came from a good night’s sleep, and it had nothing to do with possibly, maybe seeing Noel later. Or the kiss. Nothing to do with either of those things- totally platonic, helpful things that Noel was doing as a friend because they were friends.  
  
“Friends,” Cody mumbled, “really good friends.”  
  
Cody was repeating that over and over because the kiss- the really hot, toe-curling, sexuality confirming kiss- had made a home in his head overnight, and was officially living there rent free. So he reminded himself that it was a favor, and they were friends, and found things to do to distract himself.  
  
He cooked and ate a real meal, finished editing a video, answered a few emails, found his vape pen. It had been a wholly productive few hours, but it kind of made him feel like shit when it was only a few hours past noon and he’d done almost everything he always _said_ he was going to do when he got up every day. So, he picked more things- things that had nothing to do with waiting for the right time to text Noel about linking up.  
  
Cody cleared off his kitchen table- _just friends, just friends._ He started another load of laundry- _Noel’s hand on his chin, guiding him closer._ Took out the trash- _to help give Cody more experience, that’s it._ He even made his fucking bed- _Noel’s tongue in his mouth._  
  
By the time Cody felt like he should maybe just give in and think about the kiss for a while, just to give his mind a break, his whole apartment was fucking clean and he’d folded more than half of his laundry.  
  
“Shit,” Cody mumbled when he looked around right as the sun had started to go down, “should get Noel to kiss me more often.” He blushed at the thought, embarrassed even though no one could fucking hear him. But still, it lingered, the question if it had been a one time thing. His gut said yes, of course it was a one time thing, only a moron would think anything else. And his mind had just been playing a day-long supercut of the best moments, replaying even the moment just before their lips met and Cody all but fucking died. And his favorite, right after Cody pulled away after they kissed chastely and Noel had pulled him back in.  
  
So you could say it had been occupying his thoughts a bit.  
  
Cody picked up his phone from where he’d left in on the coffee table after he woke up, purposely avoiding it all day so he didn’t do something desperate. Now a text. Normal, average text that he sent all the time. God, this was so weird.  
  
“Sending “hey” seems fucking stupid,” Cody muttered, frustrated even as he knew that it didn’t matter what he sent to Noel.  
  
**Cody: this is me texting you**  
  
**Cody: you know, like you asked**  
  
He dropped his phone on the couch and put his face in his hands for a second before he got up and took the rest of his folded laundry to his room. He heard his phone buzz when he got the last of his clothes in his dresser.  
  
**Noel: well?**  
  
**Noel: u gay?**  
  
Cody dropped his phone in his lap and let out a laugh, covering his face as he shook with the force of it. Leave it to fucking Noel to break the tension in a fucking text message. Cody shook his head and dialed his number, not even bothering to text back.  
  
“Well, are you?” Noel said when he picked up and Cody shook his head as he held back a laugh.  
  
“I don’t know, ask your mom,” he said, chuckling.  
  
Noel laughed, “Ouch, that’s gonna break my dad’s heart, man.”  
  
“You’re so fucking immature,” Cody said, and his face already hurt from smiling.  
  
“Yeah, but I’m all you got.”  
  
“Apparently.” Cody let the word hang between them for a moment, and there was just an ounce of that awkward silence that Cody had feared.  
  
“Well?” Noel said, breaking the tension, “You’re killing me with the suspense here, am I buying you a pride jockstrap or are we gonna go drink till we forget we made out?”  
  
Cody winced, “God, you- you can just say it like that, huh?”  
  
“Uh, yeah, we’re not fucking wiretapped bro,” Noel chuckled, “matter of fact- YO, I MADE OUT WITH CODY KO!”  
  
Cody gaped blankly, letting out a breath before he spoke, “Did you just-?”  
  
“Yeah, I yelled it out my balcony. No one cared. Actually, the homeless guy on the corner seems pretty hype, he might be a fan,” Noel deadpanned, and if Cody was anywhere near him he would’ve shoved him.  
  
Cody groaned and rubbed the side of his face with his free hand, “You’re fucking heinous.”  
  
“Yeah, but seriously. We draw any conclusions?” Noel asked, and Cody took a breath.  
  
“… Yeah.” He blushed, “I don’t even know why you’re asking, you saw my fucking face before you bolted.”  
  
“I wasn’t bolting, I was respectfully giving you space to react, bruh,” Noel said seriously, “But yeah it was all over your face.”  
  
Cody groaned, as Noel laughed, “So, pride jockstrap huh?”  
  
“Yeah, I bought the gay flag one, and the bi and pan ones too. Just in case.”  
  
“Shut the fuck up no you didn’t,” Cody laughed out.  
  
“Watch out for a prime package in like three days.”  
  
“I hate you,” Cody said, but he was still grinning.  
  
“Now, I’m not saying you _have_ to drop a lil booty pic on insta to come out, I’m just saying that it would blow the fuck up if you did,” Noel said, and if there was a moment that Cody was supposed to regret confiding in Noel, this was definitely it.  
  
_“Shut up,”_ he leaned back on the couch and threw an arm over his face like it would stifle his embarrassment.  
  
Noel laughed, “It could be a swipe even. First pic, jockstrap of choice from the front, maybe some glitter, you swipe and boom, it’s your ass-,”  
  
“Did I mention that I hate you?”  
  
“I mean, you might need to put in a few squats between now and then but-,”  
  
“Aw, you fucking asshole,” Cody laughed out, ignoring the slight sting of the joke.  
  
“I’m fucking with you dude. Except for the jockstraps, those are definitely coming in this week.”  
  
“Of course they are,” Cody muttered.  
  
“Because I’m a supportive friend.”  
  
Cody swallowed the lump that formed in his throat, “Yeah.”  
  
There was another short stretch of silence that felt like hours, and Cody tried (and failed) not to overanalyze his reaction to Noel just saying that he was being supportive. A supportive friend. That’s what Cody needed right now when it felt like his life started etching new chapters of itself into his skin without telling him it was even starting. And now he was waking up with new words written on his body that he didn’t remember putting there, but at the same time felt like had been there the whole time. He’d needed a supportive friend, and Noel was there, on the phone, in the car. Exactly what Cody needed. So what the fuck was with the tightness in his throat?  
  
“You wanna come get me, or should I drive this time?” Noel asked, and the hours-long silence shrunk back down to the few seconds that had actually passed.  
  
“What- uh, yeah, you should drive,” Cody said distractedly, sitting up and combing a hand through his hair, idly getting up and going to stand in front of the mirror in his bathroom to kill the buzzing at the base of his neck.  
  
“Okay, dope. I’ll be there in a bit, then,” Noel said tentatively, like he could tell that Cody wasn’t really listening, because of fucking course he could tell.  
  
“Yeah, yeah,” Cody mumbled, pressing his fingers into the bags under his eyes like that might make them go away.  
  
Noel chuckled, “Okay,” and hung up.  
  
Cody stood with the phone pressed to his ear for a moment longer as he stared at himself, eventually realizing that Noel had already ended the call. He pocketed his phone and took a step back from the mirror, fixing his stupid hair as he gave himself a once over in a way that felt almost detached. There was Cody, and then there was the guy in the mirror. So he looked at the guy in the mirror.  
  
He looked okay, he was wearing something other than a hoodie for the first time in a bit that wasn’t specifically for the podcast. He still looked fucking tired, but he kind of always did, and probably always would. Byproduct of turning the shit he loved into a career.  
  
He tried to shake off the building anxiety, took off his glasses and put in his contacts, and wandered back out to where he’d left his vape. He kept feeling like he was about to trip on something or knock some part of the messy shit he’d had lying around over, but it was mostly gone and felt weirdly empty. The word _lonely_ came to mind but Cody was not about to admit he felt lonely with all of his shit picked up. The emptiness did prompt a swell of off-ness in his stomach, though, and he bemoaned the idea that any kind of change would lead to his discomfort.  
  
If it was even really just that.  
  
Cody pushed open the big window by his kitchen table and leaned on the windowsill, fiddling with his vape idly as he let the sounds from outside fill his apartment. He closed his eyes, pretending that the loud sound of cars and yelling and blending music was calming, taking a pull from his vape every so often.  
  
And then Noel was knocking.  
  
Cody didn’t even make it to the door before Noel was inside though, having tried the knob and finding it unlocked.  
  
“You trying to get robbed-?,” Noel started, walking in and then stopping, “holy shit, _were you_ robbed?”  
  
_“Ha-ha,”_ Cody said, shutting his window and flipping on a light when he realized they were just standing in the dark, “I fuckin’- I cleaned.”  
  
_“You_ cleaned?”  
  
“I know how to fucking clean, I just-,” Cody shook his head in amusement as Noel peeked into his bedroom, “I had time today.”  
  
“You did all this _today?”_ Noel said, the shock in his voice bruising Cody’s ego more than Cody was willing to admit.  
  
“No. Yes. Shut up.”  
  
“I’m just saying, I was here the other week and. I mean _damn,”_ Noel chuckled, trying not to look like he was eyeing the kitchen as well as he walked toward Cody.  
  
And then Cody was back to not knowing how to talk to Noel when he knew what his mouth tasted like (redbull and weed). Noel seemed to already know that since he was moving toward Cody like he was a wounded animal. Cody couldn’t even look at him straight-on, instead staring at the seam of Noel’s pants, looking away and then staring at the logo on his hoodie, the line of his neck.  
  
“Why was your door unlocked?” Noel asked after a minute, and Cody shrugged.  
  
“Probably uh. Left it when I took out the trash,” he said, feeling like they were being weirdly quiet. Should’ve left the window open.  
  
“Ah,” Noel nodded, and then chuckled, waving a hand in front of Cody’s face, “you in there?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Cody said, briefly giving eye contact like that proved it.  
  
“Man, you’re the worst liar, I swear to god,” Noel said, laughing and trying to catch Cody’s eye again.  
  
Cody scoffed, “Wh- I’m good! I- okay, it’s a little weird.”  
  
“Yeah, it’s gonna be weird,” Noel said coolly, and Cody had really tricked himself when they were on the phone, thinking that he wouldn’t have to think about it anymore.  
  
“Right, like it would be weird if it _wasn’t_ weird,” Cody said, half to himself.  
  
“Look at me, for real,” Noel said, voice tinged with amusement.  
  
Cody complied, scrunching up his face in discomfort and then laughing again. It was just Noel.  
  
Noel shrugged, “We made out. I’m not the lil crush that you kissed with too much tongue in high school so then y’all both awkwardly ignored each other after that-,”  
  
“That’s _so specific-,”_  
  
“My point is, I know I’m an immature asshole, but we can be grownups about this,” Noel said, and Cody sighed. Dumb motherfucker was always right.  
  
“Yeah. Yeah,” Cody said, already feeling fine with looking at him again.  
  
“Okay,” Noel said with a sense of finality, “let’s go.”  
  
Cody followed him out the front door, grabbing his keys almost as an afterthought, “Fine, but I’m not getting Taco Bell because you said that shit about me needing to do squats.”  
  
_“You_ don’t have to get shit, _I’m_ getting a burrito.”  
  
Cody laughed and closed the door to his too empty apartment behind them.  
  
**  
  
Okay, so over the course of the drive Cody had moved from being fully unable to look at Noel out of sheer awkwardness, to being unable to take his eyes off him. It was actually astounding that Cody had ever spent any amount of time with Noel without just- blatantly staring at him. Unless he had been doing that the whole time but had never thought anything of it, which was also possible since Noel hadn’t said anything yet.  
  
Cody was getting caught on the little things it felt like he’d never noticed about Noel- his eyelashes were long, and his mouth was a soft shade of pink. His hands were sure on the steering wheel, strong, and Cody didn’t know why that made his stomach flip so he looked back at Noel’s face, stubbly from not shaving. It was alluring- Noel had been clean shaven the day before, and Cody couldn’t help but wonder how that would feel against his skin if they- if he-  
  
“Can I ask you a question?” Cody asked suddenly, eyes still tracing Noel’s jawline as he stared at the road ahead.  
  
“What about?”  
  
“You know what about,” Cody said, and Noel rolled his eyes good-naturedly.  
  
“Shoot.”  
  
“When we kissed like- at first. It was quick, and- but then after I pulled away you, like. You pulled me back in,” Cody said quickly, watching Noel intently though he gave nothing away.  
  
“Mhm.”  
  
“What was that, like, muscle memory?” Cody asked. It was the only explanation that Cody had come up with after replaying it in his mind- the only one besides that it was on purpose.  
  
“I mean, sure, if that’s what you wanna call it. You weren’t gonna figure anything out from a peck, so,” Noel shrugged, no big deal.  
  
“Right.” No big deal. That’s what Cody had figured.  
  
Noel smirked after a moment, glancing at Cody out of the corner of his eye, “You still think I’m just a good kisser?”  
  
“Shut up,” Cody whined, turning toward the passenger side window to hide his face.  
  
“I mean, it’s a valid concern,” Noel said, grinning.  
  
“It was!”  
  
Noel turned to Cody briefly, “I know, I’m agreeing with you, headass.”  
  
“Lot of concerns,” Cody muttered after a minute, and he should really learn to keep his mouth shut.  
  
“Like what?”  
  
“No, yeah, I’m not doing this,” Cody said, pulling on his seatbelt to tighten it.  
  
“Aw, bruh. _You think I’m hot,”_ Noel said in a sing-songy voice, making Cody feel all of sixteen years old.  
  
“No, I don’t,” Cody asserted, refusing to look at Noel now.  
  
“Is that it? You think if I’m hot and a good kisser it like, skews the results?” Noel chuckled.  
  
Cody paused, lips pursed, “Doesn’t it?”  
  
Noel grinned, turning to him again, “So you _do_ think I’m hot.”  
  
“I’m not talking to you anymore,” Cody said, covering his face with his hands.  
  
“Come on,” Noel said, nudging him in the shoulder.  
  
“I’m breaking all our contracts,” Cody continued.  
  
“Don’t be like that, _baby,”_ Noel said, and Cody uncovered his face and turned to Noel heatedly.  
  
“Noel, I’m gonna jump out of your fucking car,” he poised a hand over the door handle, and Noel just laughed.  
  
“I wasn’t even touching you when I said it!” he cackled out, and Cody punched him in the arm.  
  
“You- you’re-,”  
  
“A tease?”  
  
Cody blushed furiously, “I’m getting an uber from Taco Bell.”  
  
“You’re so fucking dramatic,” Noel chuckled, “you’re gonna stay in the car and eat a burrito.”  
  
“Well, I’m not gonna like it.”  
  
Noel chuckled, “If it cost more than three bucks maybe you would.”  
  
They pulled into the drive thru and Noel paid for his burrito, which Cody accepted only as repayment in part for the endless embarrassment Noel put him through over the last few days alone. Noel rolled his eyes when Cody said as much as they parked behind the Taco Bell, muttering something about _baby_ under his breath. Cody was too scared to ask if he meant that in a mean way or as an endearment, so he just followed Noel to sit in the backseat and stretch out and unwrapped his shitty burrito in silence.  
  
“Okay,” Noel said after he’d already eaten half his burrito, “So, I know the weed went bad last time-,”  
  
Cody nodded, “Really bad.”  
  
“Yeah, but I hit up my plug and got some indica for you, if you wanna try again,” Noel said, raising his eyebrows in question.  
  
“Is that the one that’s supposed to be calming, or what?” Cody said through a mouthful of food.  
  
“Body high instead of a mind high. Less freak out, more fuckin’ chill out,” Noel said, leaning forward and rifling through his center console till he came up with a baggie of weed and a grinder.  
  
Cody took another bite of his burrito as he mulled it over- and maybe it was stupid to keep qualifying dumb shit he did by reminding himself that the worst case scenario had already happened, but fucking sue him. What could be worse than having an anxiety attack and crying all over Noel in the back of his car?  
  
“You mentally prepared for me to cry on you again?” Cody asked, glancing at Noel who was just grinning.  
  
“Baby’s gonna cry?”  
  
“Shut up,” Cody chuckled, shaking his head.  
  
“I’ll be here dude, my shoulder is ready to catch the tears,” he patted his shoulder vaguely and Cody was reminded of the tear stained shirt he’d left Noel with before.  
  
Cody hummed to himself for a second, pretending to think about it, “Yeah, okay, I’m down.”  
  
“Yesss,” Noel said, already opening the baggy to grind a few nugs for them, “man, we would make the fuckin’- the worst after school special.”  
  
Noel laughed and Cody joined him, “Why, because I keep letting you peer pressure me?”  
  
“Yeah, you fucking pushover.”  
  
“You’re the one who’s doing the peer pressuring! I’m innocent in all this!” Cody said, and Noel just laughed at him.  
  
“I take it back,” Noel said after a beat, “we can be the example of what not to do before they show the little nerds with the gym shorts and white tube socks who say no and narc on the cool kids.”  
  
“Hey- I was the little nerd in the gym shorts and socks,” Cody chuckled, finishing off his burrito.  
  
“I know,” Noel laughed out, sighing, “I was too, man, but we’re playing the cool kids in the after school special, so no one has to know that.” Noel was packing the bowl with nimble fingers as Cody looked on, mouth going dry. It wasn’t even the first time he’d watched Noel do this, but now it was weirdly hot and- Cody stopped the train of thought.  
  
“Yeah, right.”  
  
“Okay,” Noel said, and passed him the pipe, “baby gets first toke.”  
  
Cody scoffed as he took the pipe, ignoring the electricity in the brush of their fingers as Noel passed it off. This part was all muscle memory, he almost didn’t register that he was doing it as he took the hit, the warmth filling his lungs. He held it for a second as he passed the bowl back, slowly exhaling. He didn’t feel it as strongly as what they’d smoked last time, but he did feel looser, more relaxed.  
  
He tried not to stare as Noel took a hit from the glass pipe, his lips pressing to it in a way that Cody had never once thought of as mouthwatering before tonight. Cody hadn’t been with anyone in a while, he knew, but he was feeling so touch-starved ever since Noel had started helping him with his anxiety. Like his body didn’t know what it was missing until it had been reminded.  
  
Noel passed the pipe back, and Cody took it, watching through half-lidded eyes as Noel exhaled the smoke, kind of smirking at Cody as he took another hit.  
  
“You feeling it yet?”  
  
Cody coughed this time, nodding as he passed it back. Noel handed him a water bottle and Cody loved stoners because they always had fucking water bottles.  
  
“Yeah,” he croaked out, clearing his throat and taking another sip from the water.  
  
“Still good?” Noel asked, voice tight as he held the smoke in his lungs.  
  
“Wow,” Cody said, because he felt what Noel had said now- a body high. He felt so comfortable, like every knot in his back had come undone, “that’s good shit.”  
  
Noel hummed, exhaling, “Feel like, heavy?”  
  
“Yeah,” Cody said, feeling slow and a little giggly, “yeah, yeah.”  
  
Noel just smiled, slurping on his baja blast noisily- the sound making Cody laugh. They were just quiet and giggly for a while, finishing off the bowl and another while Cody watched Noel’s eyes seem almost even greener in contrast with the redness from smoking. Noel was talking, and Cody was only half listening, watching his mouth trip over syllables and laugh and smile.  
  
“Cody,” Noel laughed out after a little while, and Cody responded to his name, “man, you gotta stop looking at me like that.”  
  
Cody feigned innocence, “Looking at you like what?”  
  
“Like you wanna kiss me,” Noel said, shaking his head and slurping at the remnants of his drink, following up with a water bottle.  
  
Cody bit his lip, and Noel sputtered, almost spitting water, “Like that!”  
  
“I’m high, leave me alone,” Cody said, crossing his arms self-consciously.  
  
“Here, let me ease your mind,” Noel said, putting away the pipe and the grinder as he spoke, and then turning to Cody with a smile in his eyes, “you’re worried that you’re not a good kisser.”  
  
“Oh my god, I was fucking _nervous,_ _shut up,”_ Cody said, running his hands through his hair anxiously.  
  
“Listen, listen- you’re a good kisser, okay?” Noel said, and Cody just looked at him.  
  
He flushed deeply, not even bothering to hide it, as he grinned, “What?”  
  
“I’m not saying it again,” Noel chuckled, looking straight ahead and taking another sip from his water bottle, fighting a grin.  
  
Cody watched the line of his throat as he swallowed down the water, and yeah. Yeah.  
  
“I’m just supposed to take your word for it?” Cody asked, eyes tracing a line down Noel’s body and okay, that was a new feeling.  
  
“Yeah,” Noel said through a laugh, “and stop with the eyes.”  
  
“The eyes?”  
  
Noel shook his head, glancing away from Cody and then back again, “You want me, dude, and it’s cute but I’m _so_ out of your league-,”  
  
“Fuck you, I’m hot,” Cody interrupted, and they were slowly closing the space between them, so slow Cody couldn’t tell if it was just him moving closer or both of them.  
  
“Uh huh.”  
  
“What’s a make out session or two between friends, anyway? Didn’t you say that?” Cody was speaking quietly, and they were inches away from each other now, he couldn’t stop his eyes from flickering down to Noel’s mouth.  
  
“Did I, now?” Noel said, his voice low and sultry, and Cody felt a shiver run down his spine.  
  
“I’m pretty sure,” he said, talking to Noel’s mouth now.  
  
“So we get two then?”  
  
“Yeah, “or two” I think it’s pretty clear,” Cody said, nosing closer to Noel, prepared to win if this was gay chicken, happy to risk it all.  
  
Noel paused as Cody’s forehead met his, “You really wanna kiss me, huh?”  
  
Cody swallowed, not giving himself a chance to speak and instead going for it, inhaling deeply when their lips met. Noel kissed back automatically and that was all the reassurance Cody needed before he was pulling at Noel’s hoodie as Noel licked into his mouth. He was either too high to hold back the moan it elicited or didn’t care, but then Noel’s hands were on him and it didn’t matter which it was. Cody kissed him feverish and wanting, his body tingling with some kind of electricity when Noel’s hands traced up into his hair, pulling just a little.  
  
Cody pulled away just an inch at the action, muttering, _“Fuck,”_ between their mouths. Then Noel was moving closer and Cody ended up in his lap with Noel bracketed between his thighs, and fuck. _Fuck._  
  
Noel’s hands were on his waist and Cody did everything in his power to still his hips as he kissed down the stubbly line of Noel’s jaw, down his neck. Noel hummed, hands dropping to squeeze Cody’s hips, and Cody came back up, crashing their mouths together again messy and slick and hot and- his hips slipped forward and brushed his straining length against Noel’s stomach, and he whimpered, freezing almost involuntarily. He broke their kiss breathlessly, dropped his head to Noel’s shoulder as he caught his breath, memorizing the feeling of where Noel’s fingers had slipped under his shirt and pressed into his hipbones.  
  
“Shit, sorry,” Cody said, breathing slowly as they stayed unmoving like that for a few moments.  
  
“You’re good,” Noel said after a minute, and Cody failed to ignore how the raspiness in his voice went straight to Cody’s dick, “you need a minute?”  
  
Cody shook his head, slowly untangling himself from Noel and moving to sit beside him again, feeling hot all over, and so, _so_ unbelievably turned on.  
  
“That, uh- that makes two,” Cody said, clearing his throat.  
  
Noel was quiet for just a second before breaking into a laugh, bending over himself with the force of it, “Yeah, yeah, I’d say it does.”  
  
Cody chuckled, “Sorry for, like, jumping you-,”  
  
Noel waved him off, “All experience, right?”  
  
Cody squinted at him, but Noel was just shaking his head in amusement, idly picking up trash that they’d swept off of the seats and putting it into the Taco Bell bag.  
  
“So, we’re good?”  
  
“Yeah, Cody,” Noel said, fixing him with an exasperated look, “you get high, dumb shit happens, that’s life.”  
  
Cody nodded, though his ears were burning with how flustered he was.  
  
“And you’re going through a lot- if a little makeout session can help you out, man-,”  
  
“Wh- what?” Cody stared blankly, wondering if they’d just smoked way too much.  
  
“I don’t mean like- I’ll say it again, _you’re a good kisser._ Not like I didn’t enjoy it,” Noel said, shrugging.  
  
“But, not-,” _But not almost dry humping your best friend in the back of his car, enjoy it, right?_  
  
“I’m just saying, if it’s between you driving all sleep deprived in the middle of the night or needing a little… distraction. I’d pick the one that isn’t gonna kill you.” Noel had a way of making crazy shit sound absolutely normal, and Cody had no fucking clue how he did that.  
  
“Right. Right, yeah,” Cody said sheepishly, like he’d understood it the first time. He stopped himself from asking if that meant that calling Noel now meant that they’d- that he could- well, whatever, he stopped himself from saying it.  
  
“You still hard?” Noel said, and fuck, Noel needed to _stop_ saying things because Cody was about to get into an even more embarrassing situation.  
  
“Uh-,”  
  
“C’mon, I’ll take you home,” Noel said easily, and Cody just nodded jerkily, pressing the heel of his palm to his dick briefly when Noel got out to get in the driver’s seat.  
  
The drive back home was… surprisingly normal. Except for the part where Cody was achingly hard in his pants. Noel dropped him off, Cody burst into his bedroom and pulled off his pants, laying back on his bed and jerking himself almost punishingly fast, his hips lifting off the bed with the force of fucking into his fist, only thinking- _Noel’s hot mouth, his strong hands on his hips, pulling his hair-_ until he spilled messily and embarrassingly quickly over his fingers. He moaned, pulling off his shirt and cleaning himself off with it before discarding it by the side of his bed.  
  
“Shit,” he gasped out as he lay there for a beat, catching his breath. He didn’t let himself think about how maybe Noel could handle this, but it would ruin Cody. He didn’t think that he would let it ruin him, too, how he’d sink into it just to feel like that again. He didn’t think any of those things.  
  
He closed his eyes, and went to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! new chapter! hope y'all like this one, took a little longer bc this one ended up being longer than i thought it was gonna be but! here we are :') lmk what you think in the comments!! leave kudos if you liked it <3


	7. Chapter 7

Cody showed up on Kelsey’s doorstep with two cups of iced coffee and a very tired smile, and she rolled her eyes and let him in, snatching the coffee and not saying a word before taking a sip. Cody followed after her, trying to look apologetic, but probably still just looking like someone who should be in therapy and not on his friend’s couch late at night after a crisis. A crisis that was literally sparked by doing the exact same thing, except with Noel.  
  
“Well?” Kelsey said after a moment, and Cody squished himself further into Noel’s hoodie, which he guiltily fished out of his car in a moment of weakness that he would never admit to, “I’ve been texting you all week, where’ve you been?”  
  
“Fuck, I’m sorry Kels, I’ve just-,” he closed his eyes for a second, “it’s been a weird few weeks.”  
  
“Okay…” she said suspiciously, stirring her coffee with the straw, “do you wanna talk about it?”  
  
Cody made a face and blew out a long breath, shaking his head a little. He didn’t know how to talk about being attracted to dudes and trying to smother the beginnings of _something_ between him and Noel- not in any certain terms. Even if it _was_ kind of why Cody texted Kelsey and showed up so late in the first place. Really, he was hiding out at Kelsey’s because if he was alone for too long he was gonna call Noel. And he promised himself that he wouldn’t.  
  
“No. Yes- I don’t- I’m like,” Cody ran a hand through his hair and searched through his pockets blindly until he came up with his phone and placed it on the coffee table gently, turning it off as he did, “I’m fine.”  
  
“Cody,” Kelsey laughed, glancing at his phone weirdly, “You’re so clearly _not_ fine.”  
  
“I’m- _no,_ this is like the growing pains part,” Cody said, trying to convince himself more than he was her, “the- the, “it gets worse before it gets better” part- I’m good, I promise.”  
  
But he wasn’t. His dick was hard when he woke up the morning after making out with Noel, and when he sleepily reached for his phone to find some video to get off to like he usually did, he fucking froze as the previous night’s memory crashed into full color in his head. He felt an deep shame twisted with sharp arousal when he remembered jerking off to thoughts of Noel- it felt like he was remembering someone else’s memory, but god, no. It was Cody, frantic and flushed and aching for- for _Noel._  
  
So he didn’t want to jerk off, too scared to let thoughts of Noel into his head. It felt like it was some kind of invasion, crossing the line. And trying to find porn that might distract him a bit seemed way too intimidating, so he didn’t risk it. He just got in the shower, blasted cold water, and waited for the shame to go away. That was a few days ago, and he’d officially run out of things to keep busy with to distract from getting off or calling Noel. So he’d ended up at Kelsey’s mercy.  
  
“Fine, we don’t have to talk about it, but you can just say stuff and I’ll sit quietly,” Kelsey offered, sipping her coffee and smiling kindly.  
  
“You’re not capable of sitting quietly,” Cody chuckled, and Kelsey shoved him with her free hand.  
  
“Asshole! Whatever, as quietly as physically possible.”  
  
Cody hummed as his laughter died out, “I don’t know.”  
  
“Is this about that girl? Did something happen?” Kelsey leaned in, staring him down like the answers might be written on his face.  
  
“Girl?” Cody stared at her in confusion for a second before remembering, “Oh- oh my god. No. Or- well, yes?”  
  
“See, you _do_ wanna say stuff. I’ll shut up, you go,” she gestured that he start talking and sat back in her chair, miming zipping her mouth shut.  
  
Cody shook his head in amusement, staring at his phone and feeling his hand flex as he stamped out the urge to reach for it, wrapping his hand around his vape in the pocket of the hoodie instead. The base of his mouth was taut as the words he was trying to say rested there, heavy.  
  
He cleared his throat, took a pull from his vape, and glanced at the ever-patient Kelsey once more before glancing away.  
  
“I’m gay,” he said, and a heat bloomed in his throat as he said it like that, out loud for the first time, “holy shit, I’m gay. I’m so fucking gay.”  
  
Cody laughed and turned back to Kelsey who was gaping at him wordlessly, and tears pricked at his eyes ever so slightly, so he wiped his eyes quickly to stop them, his smile not falling for a second, “Sorry- I hadn’t like. _Said it,_ yet, I wasn’t expecting it to feel… like that.”  
  
Understatement of the century. But it was real, he felt it for sure with Noel the second time- just being with him like that felt so, _so_ fucking different than _actual sex_ with any girl he’d ever been with. More intimate even, _hotter_ and _headier,_ it was no wonder he could barely get through the door of his apartment before getting a hand in his pants.  
  
_“Aw, Cody,”_ Kelsey said in the sweetest voice, putting down her coffee to pull him into a hug, “I’m like crying, oh my god, when did all this happen?”  
  
“Uh,” Cody chuckled as Kelsey pulled away again, “like I said, it’s been a weird few weeks.”  
  
“What does this have to do with that girl- oh my god, is the girl _a guy?_ Who? Oh my god, _who?”_ she grinned as she turned to him with excited eyes.  
  
“Nope! You said I could just say stuff and you would be quiet,” Cody said, and she pouted.  
  
“Well that was when I thought you were gonna say you were dating that girl, but now-!”  
  
Cody rolled his eyes in amusement, sighing and deciding to give her an inch, “The girl is a guy. But that’s it! I’m sworn to secrecy.”  
  
“To fucking whom?” she asked curiously, squinting at him.  
  
“To… me,” Cody cleared his throat awkwardly. Noel had never said that it was a secret, but Cody doubted that telling Kelsey that they were making out for practice- or therapy or fucking _whatever-_ wouldn’t really go over well.  
  
“Ugh, okay. Fine. I love you, and I’m respecting your boundaries. For now,” she added, eyeing him again like he might give in.  
  
“Thanks. I love you too, y’know,” he bumped their shoulders together and she looked at him with puppy-dog eyes, putting an arm over his shoulders.  
  
“I’m so happy that you’re figuring yourself out, Cody,” she said softly, and Cody leaned his head on her shoulder.  
  
“Little bit late.”  
  
“Well, better late than never,” she said, rubbing his shoulder for a second before reaching for the remote and clicking Hulu, “Love Island?”  
  
“Yes, please,” Cody said, thankful for the distraction, however brief, from his internal crises. His phone was burning a hole in the corner of his vision where it sat on the coffee table, still off. It stayed there through several episodes of Love Island and terrible British accent impressions from him and Kelsey, and Cody let it slip into the back of his mind for a little while.  
  
**  
  
Cody had all but forgotten his phone until he’d left Kelsey’s, barely remembering to grab it before he left and headed home, not even thinking to turn it on. He pulled it from his pocket when he parked outside his apartment, watching the screen flicker on as he started walking up the steps to his place, pausing in his movements when he saw several texts and missed calls from Noel.  
  
“Shit,” he muttered, hitting call back and climbing the steps faster.  
  
The line started ringing as he got to the second set of steps, and he pulled his phone away from his ear as he heard the ringing echo outside.  
  
“Hey,” Noel’s voice said through the phone, echoing until Cody looked up and found him sitting at the top of the steps with his phone pressed to his ear, “you didn’t answer my text.”  
  
Cody blinked up at him, “Yeah, sorry, I was-,” he pulled his phone away from his ear and chuckled, ending the call, “I was at Kelsey’s place.”  
  
Noel looked tense, and Cody frowned, wondering exactly how many calls he missed before Noel showed up at his apartment in the middle of the night.  
  
“Turned off your phone?” Noel asked, glancing at where Cody was pocketing his phone as he walked up the rest of the steps toward him.  
  
“Love Island binge,” Cody said, leaning against the railing.  
  
“Ah,” Noel hummed understandingly, eyeing Cody’s chest, “you’re wearing my hoodie again.”  
  
Cody flushed at the realization, crossing his arms and looking away, “You- you fucking left it in my car.”  
  
“Yeah,” Noel chuckled, “I thought you needed it for a little bit longer.”  
  
“Well-,” Cody started, flustered, “uh- how long have you been sitting out here?”  
  
Noel shrugged, “Not that long,” he picked up the paper bag that Cody hadn’t noticed sitting next to him on the steps, “food’s still hot.”  
  
Cody smiled in disbelief, “Aw, _dude,_ you got me food? And I couldn’t even pick up the phone, wow, I fucking suck.”  
  
“This isn’t just for you, bruh, it’s for both of us,” Noel said, and stood up, holding the bag out for Cody to take.  
  
“You wanna go inside?” Cody asked, tilting his head toward his apartment in question.  
  
Noel picked up his keys and wallet from where they were on the steps, “I was thinking we could go park somewhere.”  
  
Cody nodded in what he hoped was a casual way, but the amused glint in Noel’s eyes said otherwise, “Park- uh- park? Somewhere? Yeah, it’s a nice night, it’s- yeah, that sounds good.”  
  
“Okay, let’s go,” Noel chuckled, brushing his hand down Cody’s arm as he passed him going down the steps. Cody held his breath at the contact, letting out a quiet breath before following Noel down to where he parked.  
  
Cody opened the bag as Noel pulled on the highway, and Noel swatted his hand away, “Keep it closed or it’ll get cold.”  
  
Cody rolled his eyes, “Fine. Is it burgers? It smells like burgers,” he said, idly going through his day to remember if he’d eaten dinner or not (he forgot).  
  
“Yeah, and fries, but if my fries are cold by the time we stop, I won’t hesitate to beat your dumb ass,” Noel said, glancing sideways at Cody.  
  
“How is it my fault that you picked up food when I didn’t even answer the phone?”  
  
“Because I wouldn’t even _have_ fries to be excited to eat in the first place if I wasn’t so worried about you not picking up the damn phone that I came with a peace offering,” Noel’s tone hardened midway through speaking, and Cody shrunk a bit.  
  
Cody’s face heated, “I didn’t know you were worried.”  
  
“I was,” Noel said, calming down a bit, “that’s not your fault. I don’t know where your head is at sometimes so, yeah. I freaked out a little.”  
  
“I should’ve texted you,” Cody said, cutting Noel off when he tried to protest, “no, I was- I was going to. I wanted to.”  
  
Noel was quiet for a little bit before speaking, “So why didn’t you?”  
  
“Didn’t wanna come on too strong?” Cody said sheepishly, and Noel laughed, “I don’t know! My brain is half full lately.”  
  
Noel laughed, “I’m not gonna _ghost_ you, dumbass, you don’t have to wait a week before texting me back like I’m your little girlf- _boyfriend.”_  
  
_“Boyfriend,”_ Cody repeated to himself, ducking when he felt the blush creeping up his neck, “well you can see how I have my fucking wires all crossed.”  
  
“Yeah, I can see that,” Noel said, shaking his head through his smile.  
  
“Sorry for freaking you out- but if you think about it, my stupidity got us dinner!”  
  
“No, I got us dinner, and you owe me,” Noel shot back, and Cody pouted.  
  
“Fine, I’ll get us next time,” Cody sighed exaggeratedly, laughing when Noel elbowed him. They just chuckled silently for a minute, and Cody wondered where Noel was taking them.  
  
“So have you looked at gay porn yet?” Noel asked, effectively breaking the silence, and Cody felt like he’d just had a stroke.  
  
“I- _what?”_ Cody sputtered out, and Noel let out a full laugh, switching lanes like he hadn’t just taken several years off of Cody’s life.  
  
Noel tilted his head as he spoke, “I mean, maybe you had _before_ all this, but I’m just wondering-,”  
  
“I’m not gonna fucking talk about my _porn habits_ with you, Noel, oh my god,” Cody groaned, running his hands through his hair to try and get himself together.  
  
Noel laughed, glancing at Cody, “Man, don’t act like we’re above this conversation-,”  
  
“Maybe _you’re_ not, I fucking am-,” Cody laughed out, and Noel interrupted him.  
  
“I’m just saying, like. I mean, what were you watching before?” Noel said, voice sounding a little more sincere.  
  
“You mean before last fucking week? I don’t know, normal shit,” Cody shrugged, deciding against flipping through the catalog of images in the back of his mind.  
  
“What’s normal shit?” Noel pressed, and Cody tried to think in general terms.  
  
“Whatever they shoot in the studio apartments in fucking Calabasas, dude, I don’t know,” he settled on.  
  
“Ah, classic front page shit,” Noel said, and Cody felt hot all over at the thought of Noel even remotely thinking about Cody getting off, “that I know well.”  
  
“I hate this conversation,” Cody said, barely sparing a glance in Noel’s direction as he continued talking, not the least bit fazed.  
  
“You never stumbled across some two dudes, one girl shit?” Noel asked, with all the ease of someone asking about the weather.  
  
Cody pretended to think about it for a second, hating with every fiber of his being that he knew he tended to click on those and lie to himself that he hadn’t meant to. He shrugged silently, “Maybe. Yeah. Why does this matter again?”  
  
“It doesn’t, I just like to see you squirm,” Noel grinned, leaning over to squeeze his shoulder.  
  
“Man, fuck you,” Cody laughed out, pushing Noel’s hand off his shoulder, “I never watched gay porn, I don’t spend any more time than it takes to find a video and jerk off.”  
  
“Hm.”  
  
“What are you, like, psychoanalyzing me?” Cody asked, crossing his arms.  
  
“You’re so insecure, I’m just messin’ with you baby,” Noel said through a laugh, and Cody let out a put upon sigh, “We’re here anyway, let’s just get in the back so we can eat.”  
  
When they got out of the car Cody realized that Noel had driven them out to a lookout point similar to where Cody had pulled over and stared out at the city during one of their phone calls. This one was in a wooded area though, and the night was clearer, making the lights stand out brightly against the skyline.  
  
“Wow,” Cody said, briefly leaning against the car as he admired the view.  
  
“It’s nice, huh?” Noel said, smiling at Cody as he closed the driver’s side door.  
  
“Yeah,” Cody said quietly, taking it in for a moment before ducking into the backseat with Noel.  
  
They were mostly silent as they ate, both too hungry to make conversation, and Cody was grateful for the break from the porn conversation. Cody was almost done with his burger when Noel burst out into laughter.  
  
“Cody, you eat like you’ll never see a burger again in your fucking life,” he laughed out, and Cody flipped him off.  
  
“Fuck you, I’m enjoying it. It’s better than taking a break to contemplate every bite- you gonna save the rest for later again?” Cody mocked and Noel just chuckled as he wrapped the half of his burger he hadn’t touched and put it back in the bag.  
  
“Say what you want, at least I’m not inhaling burger particles,” Noel chuckled, “you hear that? Your fucking lungs are mooing, dude.”  
  
Cody laughed, shaking his head as he finished off his burger, “That was bad.”  
  
“Yeah, that was pretty bad,” Noel agreed, sitting back and putting his fries between them so they could split the rest.  
  
Cody stared out at the horizon for a bit, missing the stars for the first time in a while. He glanced at Noel in favor of the view, and the lights were reflected in Noel’s eyes so it was kinda the same thing anyway. Cody ached to close the short distance between them, but he wasn’t sure if it was okay, or if Noel had to initiate things. If they were still doing… _things._ Fuck.  
  
Noel caught him staring and Cody cleared his throat, “Where’d you find this place anyway?”  
  
“Ah, I was just driving around looking for somewhere quiet to think for a little bit a while back,” he shrugged, “ended up here.”  
  
Cody hummed, “It’s fucking nice.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s like really nice, and like secluded,” Cody glanced around at the darkened woods and then back toward where Noel was looking at him knowingly.  
  
“Alright, c’mere dumbass,” Noel said, and Cody didn’t hesitate, putting the fries back in the bag and straddling Noel. Noel steadied him with hands on his hips, leaning up for a second before Cody stopped him with hand on his chest.  
  
“Wait I-,” Cody started, already feeling hot, “you have to stop me when you- if you wanna stop.”  
  
“Is that so?” Noel asked, sliding his hands down the sides of Cody’s thighs and making him shiver.  
  
“I’m serious, I don’t wanna uh- make you uncomfortable or anything-,” Cody stuttered out as Noel looked up at him.  
  
“Okay,” he said simply, and Cody didn’t have a second to process that before Noel hooked his fingers in the collar of his hoodie and pulled him down, kissing him like it was the easiest thing in the world.  
  
Cody melted into their kiss, and Noel kissed him softly, teasingly, almost like he was trying to get Cody worked up. Cody’s hands trailed up Noel’s chest, coming up to cradle Noel’s jaw and angle him better so Cody could slip his tongue into Noel’s mouth. Noel hummed in surprise at the sensation, and Cody nearly pulled away until Noel sucked on his tongue dirtily.  
  
Cody did pull away then, just to whimper between their mouths, almost tasting Noel’s smirk when he pulled Cody back in, sucking Cody’s bottom lip into his mouth and biting it as if for good measure. Cody could feel himself getting hard as Noel licked into his mouth, hands in Cody’s hair. He pulled at Cody’s hair to angle his jaw up so Noel had access to the stretch of his neck, kissing down the line of his jaw to the sensitive skin there.  
  
_“Oh,”_ Cody sighed out, leaning back and accidentally toppling them over with the movement. They both startled and tried and catch themselves, ending up with Cody on his back on the seat with Noel between his legs on top of him.  
  
“Shit,” Cody chuckled out, difficult with Noel catching himself on Cody’s chest, “my bad.”  
  
“You’re good,” Noel snickered, voice a little hoarse, “lemme just-,” he made to move and brushed his hip _just so_ against where Cody was still hard in his pants.  
  
_“Ah,”_ Cody couldn’t help but whimper out, throwing an arm over his face in embarrassment, “let’s just- we can just-,”  
  
“You hard?” Noel said in that same low, rough voice.  
  
Cody couldn’t find it in himself to speak a single word, just nodding dumbly and moving his arm away from his face so he could see Noel looking down at him like that. Fuck. His hand twitched down toward his dick, just in wanting to ease the arousal.  
  
“Yeah,” Cody got out eventually, searching for something in Noel’s eyes.  
  
Noel scratched the back of his neck idly, glancing down at Cody’s crotch for a second and then back up at him, “You could- if you wanted to-,”  
  
“Jerk off? In your car? With you here?” Cody asked, and he didn’t know how he said any of that shit because he certainly had not given himself permission to do so.  
  
Noel just stared at him for a second before he nodded, “I mean, if you want. Or else you’re just gonna have to wait and…”  
  
Cody wasn’t sure he could feel any more aroused than he did in that moment, and he looked up at Noel, biting his lip as he considered it. This was stupid. This was where they crossed the line and then neither of them could do the podcast tomorrow, or ever again. Maybe. Or maybe it was fine. Like friends with benefits kind of. Yeah. Like that.  
  
“Can we still…?” Cody asked, gesturing between them, and Noel seemed to think about it for a second before he just kinda nodded.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Noel always had a way of making crazy shit sound absolutely normal, Cody thought to himself, not for the first time, and certainly not for the last.  
  
“O-Okay, yeah,” Cody said, and he let his hand slip down, palming himself over his pants for a minute, aware that they were both watching his movements. He sighed at the feeling, glancing back up to where Noel was watching him curiously.  
  
Cody started to undo his pants with one hand, pulling Noel down with the other and into a searing kiss, even more heated when he finally pushed his pants and underwear out of the way and got a hand around himself. Noel kissed him slow at first, like he was playing it safe, and then seemed to give into it totally, slinging one of his legs over Cody’s for better balance. Cody moaned against him as he jerked himself to full hardness, hand sliding easier as he spread precome down his length.  
  
Noel pulled away to kiss down his jawline, glancing down briefly before kissing down Cody’s neck again, sucking at a spot on his neck that made Cody’s nerves catch fire. Cody whimpered against him, hand twisting on the upstroke and tightening as Noel picked another spot and sucked there, definitely leaving a bruise.  
  
“Noel- _fuck-_ marks,” Cody moaned out, and Noel pulled away, sitting up a bit and watching as Cody’s hand slowed down on his dick, playing with the head a little bit as he watched Noel watching him through half-lidded eyes.  
  
Noel tugged at the hem of the hoodie Cody was wearing, thinking, before he pushed it up over Cody’s chest. Cody flushed, visible on his chest for Noel to see now, feeling very naked.  
  
“Don’t get come on my hoodie,” Noel said decidedly, meeting Cody’s gaze again.  
  
Cody’s hand tightened at the base of his dick at the demand- not something he had time to unpack right now- and stared at Noel’s kiss-bitten mouth before remembering to respond, breathless, “Wh-what?”  
  
Noel trailed a hand up his thigh, watching Cody’s face as his hand neared his dick, and Cody practically held his breath when Noel’s hand settled on Cody’s where he was still holding himself tightly.  
  
“Want me to help you out?” Noel asked, and Cody couldn’t remember how to speak english.  
  
He nodded wordlessly, pulling his hand away so Noel’s hand encircled his dick with no barrier. Cody gasped at the contact, and it was zero to sixty from there, their mouths meeting again as Noel jacked Cody at a slow and punishing pace. Noel swallowed the moans that Cody let out when he thumbed over his slit teasingly. Cody’s hips rolled up into his hand of their own accord, and he moaned when Noel gripped his hip harshly with his free hand.  
  
Cody’s cock was fucking _dripping_ with arousal and he didn’t even have the presence of mind to be embarrassed, clawing at Noel’s back under his shirt as he finally sped up, twisting at the head like he’d watched Cody do only a few minutes ago. Cody moaned at the idea of Noel watching him as Noel licked into his mouth, messy and slick, and Cody pulled away.  
  
_“Noel, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna-,”_ Cody moaned desperately, _“please-,”_ and he came, leaning forward and biting at the junction between Noel’s neck and shoulder to muffle his whimper as thick ropes of come spilled onto his stomach and dripped over Noel’s fist.  
  
Noel jerked him through the aftershocks, and Cody hissed at the oversensitivity, stopping Noel with a hand on his wrist.  
  
Cody hadn’t opened his eyes yet, but he could hear Noel rifling through his center console, and then felt a softness on his stomach. He sat up and opened his eyes to find Noel wiping down his stomach with a tissue. Cody blinked up at him slowly, and Noel looked at him with a smirk.  
  
“Don’t ask me why I have tissues in the car,” Noel said, and Cody snorted, falling back against the seat. He felt fucking boneless.  
  
“I don’t think I’ve ever come that hard in my life,” Cody said breathlessly, shutting his eyes again when he realized that he’d said it out loud. God, he was always so stupid after an orgasm.  
  
“Not bad for my first handjob,” Noel chuckled, “but I guess I have home field advantage.”  
  
Cody groaned as he pulled up pants and did them up again, “Do not use sports references when you’re talking about my dick.”  
  
“I mean, technically, I was talking about _my_ dick. But sure, make everything about you,” Noel said, and Cody shoved him as they both laughed.  
  
“I’ll still kick your ass, I don’t care if you just jerked me off,” Cody responded.  
  
“Don’t threaten me bro, I will jerk your shit again and you won’t get up next time,” Noel laughed out.  
  
Cody laughed at the idea, “That’s just how you fight now, you’re just like _“I’ll fucking jerk you off dude, square the fuck up.”_ ”  
  
Noel cackled, continuing, _“Wassup homie, you got a problem? You wanna take it outside? Yeah bruh let’s take it outside, I’ll fucking jerk you off. Jerk you _right off._ Rock your whole world.”_  
  
_“You think I was hitting on your girl? Let’s fucking go, I’ll show you who the fuck I’ll be hitting on,”_ Cody shot back and Noel laughed even harder.  
  
_“Bout to make you go home and start questioning some shit, dog, don’t fucking test me,”_ Noel said and Cody scrunched up his face through his laugh and Noel about died laughing, “that one too close to home?”  
  
“Man, shut the fuck up,” Cody chuckled out, and Noel bent over with the force of his laughter.  
  
“See that’s why you never should’ve messed with me,” Noel said sarcastically after a minute, “this was the long con of our whole friendship.”  
  
“You were just turning me gay the whole time, as a joke,” Cody laughed out, and Noel burst into laughter again.  
  
“It was just a prank, man, don’t take it too serious,” Noel said, and Cody pretended to be shocked.  
  
“So I’m _not_ gay?”  
  
“Nah, you’re really gay, homie, my bad I went a little too hard,” Noel joked and then shook his head, “Okay, I’m done clowning you.”  
  
Cody shook his head, “You can’t prank me anymore dude, that’s a hate crime.”  
  
“Oh fuck,” Noel chuckled, “I guess it is.”  
  
“Yeah, so watch your fucking mouth,” Cody laughed, and Noel’s shoulders shook with suppressed laughter as they both tried to come down from the laugh high.  
  
“Damn,” Cody said after he finally stopped laughing, “I’m actually kinda pissed that we couldn’t come up with that on the podcast.”  
  
“Well the basis of it was literally me jerking you off, so I don’t know if it would’ve come up naturally,” Noel said easily, and Cody winced when he realized that Noel was right.  
  
“Shit. Well, uh. Thank you. For that,” Cody said, blushing.  
  
“No problem. It’s like, same equipment just like, backward,” he said, and Cody chuckled.  
  
“So you were just jerking yourself off, but with my dick,” Cody said and Noel nodded.  
  
“Pretty much.”  
  
“And that was. That was your first handjob?” Cody asked warily.  
  
“Yeah, what can I say. I’m a fucking sexual savant I guess,” he deadpanned and then frowned, “that was gross, forget I said that.”  
  
“Done and done.”  
  
They got back into the front of the car and continued conversation like normal. Cody tried to hide that his legs were fucking jelly as he attempted to get back into the front seat, but he was pretty sure that Noel politely ignored it in an effort to steer their conversation away from what they just did. Even though Cody had about a million questions he wanted to ask. Like why did Noel offer to help him out in the first place? And did this _actually_ make them friends with benefits? Or was this a one-time thing?  
  
Cody kept his desperate mouth shut, though, and listened to Noel talk about Formula One or some shit for the drive back to his apartment, really just riding the post-orgasm high for as long as it would last him. He liked listening Noel talk about shit he was passionate about, even if he didn’t care about it as much, which made for lopsided conversations sometimes, but Cody was okay with that. Sometimes it was nice just nod and watch the focus in Noel’s eyes.  
  
When they got to Cody’s place, Noel stopped him just before he walked away from the car- legs still a bit shaky.  
  
“Do yourself a favor, go fucking watch some gay porn,” Noel said, and Cody blushed.  
  
“Fuck you,” he laughed.  
  
“It’s your homework, and it’s a _completion_ grade-,”  
  
“Oh, you’re fucking gross,” Cody groaned, and Noel let out a loud laugh.  
  
“I was saving that one, oh my god, okay, bye!” Noel laughed out, and Cody closed the door and watched him drive away before he shakily climbed the steps back up to his apartment. When he got inside and sat on his bed to plug in his phone, his screen lit up with one text from Kelsey.  
  
**Kels: is it someone I know?**  
  
Cody blanched and ignored the text, laying back on his bed, meaning to close his eyes for just a second before going to take a shower, but instead he almost immediately fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just uh, just guys being dudes. just dudes being guys, helping each other out. kghfkjhfdkghdf talk to me in the comments! lmk if y'all liked this one ! (no one tell the readers of my other WIPs that i updated this one again instead of the other ones lmao)


	8. Chapter 8

Noel was a bad person. He walked through the door of his apartment and leaned against it after he closed it, sliding down to the floor and putting his head in his hands. He fucked up. For real, this time.  
  
The thing was- the first kiss? He’d actually meant that shit to be helpful to Cody, no ulterior motive, nothing. It was weird, but he got it in his head that he was being a good friend, and good friends stay through the maybe weird, maybe messy shit. And maybe sometimes they kiss you so you can figure some shit out. He was trying to be the guy who was comfortable in his sexuality that helped out a homie, no big. A laugh, even, later on.  
  
Then the kiss was good. And he chalked it up to Cody being a good kisser, totally valid, and tried not to think too hard about that flushed and innocently awed look that Cody had stared at him with. Tried.  
  
But this? Noel knew the second they touched that something had changed, and when they kissed this time it was something fucking else. And he should’ve stopped it there, because it wasn’t helping a friend anymore, it wasn’t being comfortable with his sexuality and a friendly makeout session anymore. But he didn’t stop it. And now everything was fucked.  
  
“Shit,” Noel muttered, and scrubbed his hands over his face, banged his fist on the door.  
  
He could still hear Cody’s moaning in his head, and as if that wasn’t fucked enough, he’d spent the whole drive back trying to hide how much it had affected him, talking so much that Cody probably noticed anyway. He let his head fall back against the door in frustration, and let out a sigh. No, Cody probably hadn’t noticed, because he was more interested in experimenting and figuring himself out- which was what Noel should’ve been fucking focused on too.  
  
Instead of _“helping Cody out”_ like that shit wasn’t straight out of some bad porn script. Noel felt a prickling heat in his neck as his mind pulled up the memory of his hoodie all bunched up above Cody’s flushed chest, the heated feeling that he got when Cody bit down on his neck- it took every ounce of willpower that Noel had not to drop all of his weight onto Cody and grind his hips down.  
  
But he couldn’t- that’s not what Cody signed up for- shit, it wasn’t what _Noel_ signed up for. It wasn’t even so much the sexuality thing that was throwing him for a fucking loop- Noel had decided a while back that he wasn’t really into labels, and if he was ever attracted to a dude then he’d deal with that if it happened on a person-by-person basis, and that was no one’s business as long as he was single. The thing that was throwing him off was that this was _Cody._  
  
And yeah, Cody was cute- _hot,_ even, with his chest all flushed and his hand around his dick- but Cody? Noel saw Cody nearly _every damn day_ for work, when they were on tour, the podcast, and now even more with these stupid drives- point is, Noel should’ve figured this shit out _way_ earlier. He never would’ve gone down this road.  
  
Noel pulled himself to his feet and went to take a shower, switching the temperature to cold at the last second and hating himself for a few extra minutes as he let the sound of the shower drown out the sound of Cody’s moans in his head, the way he had moaned _“please”_ against Noel’s mouth as he came, the fading sense of Cody’s hot skin against his, the sting from the bite that he left Noel with. Yeah, Noel was pretty fucking certain he was going to hell for the night as a whole.  
  
He dried off and smoked a bowl before knocking out with an empty head. He was good at that, at least, getting rid of the shit swirling around in his head before he went to sleep. The problem was that he always woke up.  
  
**  
  
Noel was nearly at the studio when Cody called him, and he picked up with a smile he couldn’t even help.  
  
“Please tell me that you’re gonna be late,” Cody said, out of breath.  
  
Noel laughed as he pulled into the lot, “Not this time, dude.”  
  
Cody groaned and Noel blinked as he cleared the thought that flew to the front of his mind, “Fuck, seriously? The one time I’m gonna be late and you’re on time for once-,”  
  
“Man, fuck off, this is not the only time you’ve ever been late,” Noel interjected, rolling his eyes.  
  
“Whatever just- I’m gonna be late,” Cody said, and Noel grinned at the pout in his voice.  
  
“It’s _our_ fuckin’ show man, be late, it’s fine. Get us some coffee or something.”  
  
“It’s not fucking fine, it’s _annoying,”_ Cody said and Noel laughed as he entered the studio.  
  
“Damn, so I’m annoying now?”  
  
Cody laughed, “I’ll see you in twenty.”  
  
Noel hung up and rolled his eyes, because being _maybe_ twenty minutes late was the worst thing ever to Cody, when Noel regularly showed up so late that they had to push shit to the next day. He sat in the set while the guys set up the production shit, and he was fucking around on his phone for a while when Cody burst into the studio.  
  
“Sorry! Sorry guys,” were the first words out of his mouth, and Noel just shook his head in amusement.  
  
Noel glanced at the time, “Not even fifteen minutes, bruh.”  
  
“Good. I’m glad,” Cody said, squinting at him pointedly as he sat across from him on set, “you’re fucking rubbing off on me, dude.”  
  
Cody set his water bottle down on the ground between them, and Noel still had no idea how Cody didn’t know when he set himself up for this shit.  
  
“Well, actually-,” Noel started, and Cody shut his eyes in realization, interrupting before Noel could finish the joke. He didn’t really have an ending to the joke, per usual, because Cody always cut him off when he figured it out, but he laughed anyway as Cody stared him down.  
  
“Shh, dude, come on,” Cody whispered, glancing at where the production guys weren’t paying them any attention.  
  
“You come on man, how am I supposed to let that hang?” Noel laughed out.  
  
“Jesus christ,” Cody mumbled, all blushy now. Noel probably shouldn’t have said it, if only to keep Cody’s head in work-mode and avoid the whole shy teasing thing that Cody fell into whenever he was kinda turned on. Though Noel really didn’t mind getting a good look at _this_ Cody in broad daylight.  
  
“I’ll cool it, don’t worry,” Noel chuckled quietly, reaching for where he’d set aside his laptop. He turned back to Cody to say something, but the words all but fell out of his fucking head when Cody pulled his hoodie over his head and tossed it aside.  
  
And it wasn’t because a little strip of Cody’s stomach was exposed for a second, though he definitely didn’t _not_ notice that- it was because when Cody took it off it revealed a dark hickey on the side of his neck that faced the camera.  
  
Noel nearly dropped the damn laptop and Cody turned toward him at the fumble in confusion, becoming even more confused when he saw Noel’s expression.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Cody, you gotta be fucking kidding me with this,” Noel said, staring at him in disbelief.  
  
“With what? Why are you looking at me like that?” Cody asked.  
  
Noel frowned, “Did you even look in a mirror when you got up?”  
  
“Fuck off, I woke up late and just put on some clothes and got in the fucking car,” Cody rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.  
  
“Dude.”  
  
“Is it my hair?” Cody asked.  
  
Noel got up and grabbed Cody’s arm and pulled him out of his chair and to the bathroom, slamming the door open and locking it behind them.  
  
“Ow, let go,” Cody pouted, yanking his arm out of Noel’s grasp, “what’s your deal?”  
  
“Look in the mirror,” Noel said, putting a hand over his mouth in disbelief of his life for a second as he got a closer look at it.  
  
“What, what’s- oh,” Cody touched his neck for a brief second like he wasn’t sure it was really there, “holy fuck. Oh my fucking god.”  
  
“Yeah, “oh my fucking god” is right,” Noel said heatedly, and Cody looked at him through the mirror.  
  
“You’re mad at _me_ about this? You’re the one who fucking _did_ this!” Cody yelled turning back toward him.  
  
“You should’ve fucking stopped me!” Noel shot back and Cody shook his head angrily.  
  
“I _tried,_ or what, do you not remembering me moaning not to leave fucking marks?” Cody said, flushing even as he said it to piss off Noel.  
  
Noel took a breath, “Cody-,”  
  
“Or you could’ve _at least_ picked a spot that wasn’t to fucking camera, you know, like I had the sense of mind to do even with your _fucking hand on my dick-,”_ Cody pulled on the collar of Noel’s shirt to reveal the mark that his bite had left on his collarbone as Noel shushed him.  
  
“Shh, okay, you’re right it’s my fucking fault, just-,” Noel took a breath, adjusted his shirt, “keep it down, they might hear us.”  
  
“Fuck hearing us, Noel,” Cody said quietly, “the whole fucking world is about to _see it.”_  
  
Noel looked down for a second to think and Cody turned back toward the mirror helplessly, “I would put the hoodie back on but it’s fucking hot in here today. And switching spots is gonna be a whole thing if we do that, but maybe-,”  
  
“No, we’re totally overreacting. It’s a hickey,” Noel said and Cody blushed, “they’re not gonna know who gave it to you.”  
  
Cody blinked as he processed Noel’s words, and Noel could almost see his anger switch with anxiety as he thought it over, “Right, so I’ll just have a fuckton of people speculating about my love life. Again.”  
  
Noel put his hands on Cody’s shoulders, “We don’t have to do shit. We can just go back out there and cancel filming, we can push it-,”  
  
“It’s not gonna magically disappear, Noel,” Cody said, soft but pointedly.  
  
Noel shrugged, “Whatever, we can wait until it does, we can do whatever we want.”  
  
“The sponsors-,”  
  
“Fuck the sponsors man, you’re more important than all that shit. And if you can’t go out there and feel comfortable doing the podcast, it’s gonna suck shit anyway.”  
  
Cody took a deep breath and tilted his head toward the ceiling, and Noel stared at the spot on his neck that Noel had fucked them over with. Even worse was that Noel still liked the look of it, knowing that he’d left it there. That Cody would know who left it there and it would be this secret something between them even if other people saw it.  
  
Cody looked toward Noel again, and he could already tell that this was a lot for him, his breathing was a little fast, and his eyes were glassy with tears he didn’t wanna let fall. Noel pulled him into a hug and Cody just rested his chin on Noel’s shoulder. Noel felt the shoulder of his shirt dampen from the tears and hated that he was responsible for making Cody cry, again.  
  
“I’m just-,” Cody pulled away and wiped his face, “I don’t wanna fucking deal with this yet, even if it’s just-,” he sniffled and shrugged helplessly at Noel.  
  
“You don’t have to,” Noel said.  
  
“I can do it, I um-,” Cody took another breath, another tear rolled down his cheek, “can you kiss me? Just- just- distract me for a little bit, and I’ll stop fucking crying, and we can go out there and do the stupid podcast.”  
  
Noel took a step toward him, “You sure?”  
  
Noel wasn’t sure. But what the fuck was he supposed to say? _Actually, I was planning on putting an end to this because I don’t know if it’s cool to let you experiment with me thinking I’m not into it when I am?_ Cody was fucking verging on an anxiety attack, again, because of Noel, _again,_ and he just needed some comfort. Noel could do a whole lot wrong, but he could give Cody _this,_ a distraction, something to stop the tears.  
  
Cody nodded wordlessly, and Noel placed a soothing hand on his neck, thumbing the underside of Cody’s jawline as he pulled him in. Noel kissed him, and despite everything, there was a very simple pleasure in the way they kissed. Cody was so _wanting,_ hands fisting in the fabric of Noel’s shirt as he let Noel lick into his mouth- and that Noel would never get tired of. Cody always tasted like coffee- whatever over-sweetened Starbucks crap he’d had last- no matter if he’d eaten or if it was the middle of the night, it was always coffee. Noel let his hands find their way into Cody’s hair- _let_ being the operative word, he always went in with no intention of touching Cody’s hair, but could never help himself.  
  
Noel bit at Cody’s bottom lip and soothed over it with his tongue, for a second forgetting that they were standing until Cody pushed him up against the bathroom door. Cody insinuated a leg between Noel’s and Noel stopped breathing for a second as Cody grinded against his hip. There was something about the desperation in Cody’s movements, and Noel almost let him continue. Well, he did let him, for a little bit, because Cody was moaning just a little into his mouth as he rocked against him and Noel was too focused on trying not to get hard.  
  
“Baby-,” Noel rasped out as he pulled away, and Cody whined, and there was absolutely no fucking reason that sound should turn Noel on as much as it did.  
  
“Don’t- c’mon, we can just-,” Cody whined breathlessly against Noel’s mouth.  
  
“We’re already late,” Noel said instead of saying no, because he was pretty fucking sure he couldn’t get out the word if he tried.  
  
Cody scrunched his eyes shut and groaned, resting his head on Noel’s shoulder for a minute, giving Noel time to take a breath and will himself un-horny.  
  
“You called me baby,” Cody said against Noel’s shoulder, presumably doing the same thing that Noel was currently mentally doing.  
  
“Did I?” Noel asked thinking about racing and counting the tiles on the ceiling.  
  
“Yeah, you’re not supposed to do that when we’re touching,” Cody said, monotone, and Noel laughed.  
  
“Oh, sorry, should I exclusively call you daddy when you slam me up against the wall or-?”  
  
“Jesus christ, dude,” Cody chuckled, lifting his head from Noel’s shoulder.  
  
Noel shrugged, “I could also do master, or uh-,”  
  
“Shut up, oh my god, okay we can go,” Cody said, reaching past Noel to unlock the door.  
  
“So we can decide later, I guess,” Noel said as they walked out, and Cody cackled as they walked back to set. Noel grinned even as they sheepishly took their places on set and started the podcast. Cody did diverge back into that shy teasing thing, but it was close enough to some of their bits that it didn’t matter, and they managed to pull of the podcast without a hitch.  
  
**  
  
In the end they decided to call it technical difficulties and cut the video for youtube and for the bone zone, and with their history of dumb shit that has happened to the podcast, losing the video had some complaints but nothing crazy. Noel scrolled through the comments for a while after the upload that night, mostly just out of curiosity to see how many people cared about the video being gone, but also to see if anyone else noticed the little attitude that Cody got when he was in that state or if Noel was making it up.  
  
That’s what he was doing from his phone on his bed when Cody called, and he rolled onto his back to take a breath for a second before answering this time.  
  
“Yo,” Noel said.  
  
“Hey, what are you doing?” Cody asked and Noel just glanced down at himself.  
  
“I’m just looking at the youtube comments,” Noel said, and Cody hesitated on the line for a minute.  
  
“And?”  
  
“All good, man. I mean some people are annoyed but whatever,” Noel shrugged and sat up, moving to sit on the edge of his bed facing the window on the opposite wall.  
  
“Yeah. Thanks for- for that. By the way,” Cody stuttered out, and Noel cleared his throat, pressing his hand down the length of his thigh needlessly.  
  
“For what, almost letting you durf me in the fuckin’ bathroom?” Noel laughed out and Cody groaned at the joke.  
  
“What do you mean “almost” you literally made me durf you dude, as far as I’m concerned, you owe me an orgasm,” Cody chuckled, and Noel bit his lip idly.  
  
“Oh, I owe you an orgasm?” he deadpanned, lust cutting through his senses and making it hard to keep up the joke.  
  
“I didn’t sign up for durfing is all I’m saying, I had to sit through the whole podcast like that-,” Cody said, and Noel interrupted.  
  
“Like what? All hard in your pants?”  
  
Cody swallowed audibly, “Yeah, dude.”  
  
“Were you hard the whole time?” Noel asked, and he could hear Cody’s breathing, shallow and quick. Noel would bet his life that Cody was flushed that pretty pink all down his chest.  
  
“M-maybe.”  
  
“Because of me? Because I wouldn’t let you come from just grinding against me?”  
  
“Um-,”  
  
“What was stopping you from jerking off in the bathroom before we got started, Cody?” he pressed, and Cody stuttered before he got any words out.  
  
“Well, I uh. I didn’t, um, I didn’t really think about it.”  
  
“What’s stopping you now?” Noel said, pushing Cody, seeing what he’d do.  
  
“Noel-,”  
  
“You’re hard aren’t you? Isn’t that why you called me?” Noel asked, and Cody was quiet for a second.  
  
_“Yes-,”_ he hissed out, and Noel could picture him, spread out on his bed with his hand inching toward his dick, eyes closed as the flush in his chest reached his cheeks.  
  
“So touch yourself, _baby,”_ Noel pushed Cody again, was rewarded with the gasping sigh that Cody let out when he finally got a hand around himself.  
  
“Don’t- you’re not supposed to-,”  
  
“Call you baby? I’m not touching you, Cody. You’re doing it all by yourself,” Noel said nonchalantly as he could and Cody whined, and that was about all Noel could take before he got a hand on himself.  
  
_“Noel-,”_  
  
“Tell me what you’re doing,” Noel said, and Cody moaned into the receiver.  
  
“I’m- _god-_ I’m jerking myself off- fast, I’m going fast-,”  
  
“Why don’t you slow it down for me,” Noel said, thumbing over his head as he spoke.  
  
“Mm-,” Cody moaned, and Noel wished he could see him, biting his lip as he did what Noel wanted instead of what he wanted, “you like to go slow.”  
  
“Yeah,” Noel said, trying to keep his voice even and shutting his eyes for a second, “I like to draw it out.”  
  
“Fuck,” Cody said, “is this edging?”  
  
“Depends,” Noel held back a groan as he picked up the pace as he stroked himself, “were you close to coming before?”  
  
Noel reveled in the few seconds of hesitance that Cody had- already answering the question before he said a word. Noel laid back on his bed and fucked into his fist as he pictured Cody already hard and horny when he picked up the phone to call Noel, blushy and wanting, maybe hoping that Noel would decide to swing by and finish him off, or even better just lay there and let Cody do all the work, thrust against him like he did in the bathroom, just use Noel to get off.  
  
_“God, yeah-,”_ Cody moaned, which is about when Noel realized he’d said that shit out loud.  
  
“That what you want? You wanna use me like your lil’ fuck toy?” Noel said, maybe taking it too far but Cody was too fucked out to care, just whining in response.  
  
“Can I- can I go faster?” he whined, and Noel’s jaw dropped for a second, his hand stilled on his dick. Cody was asking for permission.  
  
“Yeah, yeah go faster for me baby, finish yourself off for me,” Noel said, stroking himself hard and fast as Cody’s moans grew louder and more distant all at once, like he put down the phone. Noel took the opportunity to mute himself as he neared the edge, moaning openly as he pictured Cody’s thighs tensing as he jerked himself off, heard him moan Noel’s name.  
  
_“Noel,_ I’m- oh god _oh fuck- I’m coming-,”_ Cody moaned, and Noel picked up the phone and unmuted, greedy for this moment.  
  
“That’s it, I know you got it all saved up for me baby, you can let it go, you can come,” Noel said, and Cody whimpered as he came, the breathless sound of it intoxicating as Noel stroked himself to completion, biting his lip hard to hold back the moan that threatened to escape.  
  
Noel muted as he calmed down his breathing, listening as Cody did the same, still a little muffled like the phone had slipped under a pillow or something. Noel unmuted when he had his breathing under control, knowing that Cody would need some kind of reassurance that what they just did was okay.  
  
“You good?” Noel asked softly, and he heard Cody rifle around the bed until he found his phone.  
  
“Why are you so good at this shit?” Cody asked breathlessly, and Noel chuckled.  
  
“You have zero baseline for comparison, man,” Noel responded, reaching for the tissues to clean himself off.  
  
“Still dude, I’m- I feel like… like I should be taking notes or. Something,” Cody said blearily, and here was another reason why it was a bad idea to let Cody get off before the podcast.  
  
“Man, some guys get post-nut clarity but you fall into a fuckin’ post-nut coma,” Noel laughed out.  
  
“Don’t laugh at me, we gotta stop making jokes after I come or I’m gonna start getting some weird associations,” Cody chuckled out.  
  
“You’re already horny for being embarrassed, so I dunno what you’re worried about,” Noel said, and then widened his eyes to himself because he hadn’t actually planned on saying that.  
  
“I am fucking not,” Cody protested.  
  
“Siri, roll the fuckin’ tapes,” Noel made a whirring sound but Cody cut him off before he could do any impressions. Which was a shame because it was gonna be pretty good.  
  
“Nope- I’m good, I’m gonna go ahead and veto that one,” Cody said, and Noel just laughed. Cody laughed too, just a little, and then they were quiet again. Noel let these silences happen, because he could fill all the little gaps with every inane shitty thought that was in his mind, but he was pretty sure that Cody needed the silences to think things over while they were still happening. Noel didn’t, he mostly thought shit over later, but if Cody had a minute he would go over things in his head- he was like that. Always thinking shit over.  
  
“I feel like I should say that this is weird. Like I just wanna vocalize it,” Cody said, and Noel nodded to himself.  
  
“Yeah, it’s mad weird dude.” No sense in denying it.  
  
“Okay, so it’s not just me,” Cody chuckled nervously, “I get that you’re laid back and understanding, and I lean on that because I’ll fucking crumble if a breeze hits me the wrong way-,”  
  
Noel chuckled, “Yeah, that’s about right-,”  
  
“But we definitely created a, like, weird situation because of that.”  
  
“I’m not gonna defend this, if that’s what you’re looking for man,” Noel said, wishing he could see Cody’s expression, “but it works. For now, it works, and if it ever stops working, then we go from there.”  
  
“Right. It works.”  
  
“And y’know, fuckin’ whatever if it’s weird. Weird is relative- and that’s fucking corny and shit but it’s also true,” Noel said. His five dollar therapy on Twitch was leaking into his real life, apparently.  
  
Cody laughed, “You’re right. You’re fuckin’ right, you’re always right did you know that?”  
  
“Man, I’m working on it, believe it or not one day I’d like to go to _your_ dumb ass for advice, if I ever need it,” Noel chuckled out.  
  
“I’ll be here dude,” Cody said.  
  
Noel sighed and turned over on his side in his bed, “Go to sleep man, fix your fucking sleep schedule so you won’t show up late for the podcast next week.”  
  
“You’re part of the reason it’s fucked!” Cody said, and Noel laughed, “Okay, fine, text me tomorrow.”  
  
“Yeah, yeah,” Noel mumbled and hung up.  
  
So maybe Noel was a bad person, but he was also a good person kind of. He could rock it in hell, there were probably a bunch of cool motherfuckers in hell anyway. They could keep doing this for a little while longer, just as long as Cody might need it. That shit was okay. Or it would be, for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry for the delay guys! i had finals and a bunch of other shit but i'm back!
> 
> i figured i'd get this chapter out asap, so I'm gonna be answering a lot of people's comments after this chapter has already been posted, <3
> 
> lmk what you think! leave kudos if you haven't already! ♥


	9. Chapter 9

Cody was stuck on all the shit that went down with Noel the day of the podcast for days- and from reliving the hickey, to the making out in the bathroom, to the _fucking phone sex,_ he was pretty much nonstop horny. Like a switch had been flipped in his brain, and now that he had a few sexual encounters in a row the floodgates had opened. The whole thing would be really fucking embarrassing if he hadn’t spent the week filming alone in his house and editing his next video- though doing that while needlessly turned on had been an entirely frustrating yet weirdly hot experience. Any time Noel texted him Cody felt a wave of arousal wash over him that he actively fought back just to have a normal conversation.  
  
Because the phone sex was good, like _top five jerk sessions of his life_ good, but it wasn’t lost on Cody that it was entirely for his benefit. And not just the phone sex, everything that he and Noel did was totally just for Cody- he got the experience, the anxiety dampening, and now he’d been getting _off_ too. Noel had said that he didn’t mind helping Cody out- actually he’d called Cody a good kisser, and _that’s_ why he didn’t mind- but, fuck. Cody wanted to return the favor.  
  
Okay, maybe it was a little more selfish than wanting to return the favor, because after everything, Noel had essentially become the center of most of his sexual fantasies and Cody couldn’t get over wanting to hear Noel moan, to see him as disheveled and incoherent as he made Cody feel.  
  
Which seemed like a bad motivation to call Noel up with, so Cody actually waited for an anxious night before calling him, conveniently also forcing him to seem less desperate. The night he uploaded his video ended up breaking him- he was fighting the urge to scroll through the comments looking for someone talking about the podcast when he felt the too-familiar tightness in his chest.  
  
So he dialed Noel.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
“Hey man, I was in the middle of your fucking video,” Noel chuckled, and Cody let out a breath at his relaxed voice.  
  
“You’re watching my video?” he asked, blushing a little, and Noel hummed.  
  
“What, you want me to say it real nice and loud so you can record it?” Noel said, and Cody laughed.  
  
“Fuck, how did you know?” Cody asked, lowering his voice in faux frustration.  
  
“Just a feeling, man,” Noel said, waiting out Cody’s laugh, “what’s up?”  
  
Cody swallowed, shrugging to himself, “You read any of the comments?”  
  
“Man, you do not need to be worrying about that shit anymore,” Noel said, “it was no big deal, and I bet your hickey already faded.”  
  
Cody pressed against the bruise a little at his words, closing his eyes at the sensation, “It hasn’t.”  
  
“Well, whatever. We can swing by a CVS and get some shit to cover it for the next one,” Noel said, and Cody felt another swell of anxiety at the thought of Noel going out of his way for him.  
  
“Yeah,” he said unconvincingly, but Noel didn’t push it.  
  
“Is that… _all_ you’re worried about?” Noel asked.  
  
Cody blushed, wondering why he ever bothered hiding shit from Noel. He brushed a hand up his thigh and absentmindedly over his dick as he spoke, “Not entirely.”  
  
“Okay. Wanna share with the class?” Noel said in a corny voice, and Cody shook his head in amusement.  
  
“I’m just… what if people can _tell_ that I’m like. Turned on?” he said into the receiver, blushing and trying to picture Noel’s expression on the other end of the line. Cody hoped he froze at the words, pink in the cheeks and lost in the idea. Cody let the heel of his palm take the pressure off of his hardening dick- practically second nature after the week he’d had.  
  
Noel cleared his throat after a second, “They can’t even _see_ you Cody, how could they tell anything?”  
  
“I don’t know! But I what if?” Cody asked, and Noel scoffed, “can you tell? Like can you actually tell if I’m-,”  
  
Noel’s voice sounded pinched, “Dude-,”  
  
“I’m serious, man. I can dial it back, but I just gotta know,” Cody said, and he didn’t even want Noel to answer because just from the evasiveness he was pretty sure what the response was gonna be.  
  
Noel sighed, and Cody winced, “Yeah, I can tell-” he said and Cody groaned, “but that doesn’t mean _they_ can tell, dude, I’m with you more than anyone I fucking know.”  
  
Cody licked over his teeth anxiously as he thought it over, “I don’t believe you.”  
  
“Cody-,”  
  
“No, I don’t believe you, prove it,” Cody pressed, squeezing his thigh with one hand almost as an afterthought.  
  
Noel was weirdly quiet for a minute, then chuckled a little to himself, “I don’t think you want me to.”  
  
Cody realized the position he’d put himself in all at once when he rubbed a hand over himself idly, holding back the moan at the base of his throat, “I think I do.”  
  
“You’re hard right now aren’t you?” Noel said in a low voice that sent shivers up Cody’s spine, “and you’re all blushy and restless in your video, I’d bet you’re even turned on in that shit too.”  
  
Cody felt his face get hot, _“Fuck,”_ he sighed, “is it that obvious?”  
  
Noel chuckled, voice still low as he teased Cody, and god Cody wished it wasn’t so hot when he did it like that, “It’s all over your face- you’re just a little pink in the cheeks. You get a little impatient and contrarian-,”  
  
“Fucking _contrarian,_ dude? No, I- I- jesus fucking christ.”  
  
Noel let out a belly laugh at that, “Yeah? You were saying?”  
  
“Fuck you,” Cody spat, but it felt more like a moan the way that it came out of him.  
  
“You’re just a brat, man, it’s like you’re provoking someone to try and shut you up,” Noel said, and Cody held back a whine.  
  
“Is that what it’s like?”  
  
“Yeah,” Noel said in a low voice, “that’s what it’s like.”  
  
“Then why don’t you?” Cody said, biting his lip as he stilled his hand’s movements over his dick, “why don’t you come and try to shut me up?”  
  
Cody closed his eyes when he said it- it was _bad,_ but after a week of basically edging himself he had zero brain to mouth filter.  
  
There was silence on the line for a moment before Noel chuckled, and Cody scrunched up his face as he broke into all out laughter, _“I’m sorry-_ I mean, I’ll come over yeah, but shit Cody, how down bad are you?”  
  
“It’s bad, dude,” Cody moaned out, “like for _days.”_  
  
“This is straight up a booty call,” Noel said, but Cody could hear the shift in his voice as he got up from wherever he was sitting.  
  
“That’s not true, I was feeling anxious,” Cody shot back, “I didn’t wanna just ask if you could come over for a- distraction-,”  
  
“Nah, I get it, you just like me for my comfortable lap and addicting mouth,” Noel deadpanned.  
  
_“Noel-,”_ Cody protested uselessly, flushed.  
  
“You can say it, ain’t no one around but you and me,” Noel interrupted, holding back a laugh.  
  
“Jesus, are you coming or what?” Cody said in what he hoped sounded like an irritated voice as he tried to calm the flush creeping up his neck.  
  
Noel laughed, “Yeah, yeah, I’m on my way.”  
  
**  
  
When Noel showed up at his door with a six pack of beer a short while later, Cody had sufficiently calmed down from the flustered state that Noel had left him in. But as soon as he opened the door he felt all weird again. He let Noel in and they just looked at each other in the entryway for a little bit before breaking into nervous laughter.  
  
“You’re one of those hoes who does too much on the phone and then gets shy all of a sudden when a dude actually pulls up,” Noel chuckled out, switching the six pack to his other hand as he spoke.  
  
“I am not,” Cody rolled his eyes as Noel looked him over.  
  
“Or did you _really_ want me to shut you up?” he said after a second.  
  
Cody got goosebumps as he glanced down the line of Noel’s body, the hard lines of his clothes where they met muscle, the tautness in his fist where it was clenched on the six pack of beer, the way that the collar of his shirt was just loose enough to reveal the bite that Cody had left him with. He met Noel’s gaze and had no idea how he was supposed to act natural when Noel said shit like that.  
  
“I wouldn’t hate it,” Cody said, trying for vague enough that he could be joking.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I mean, if you’re gonna come all the way to my place, get dressed, stop to get beer, I figure that you should at least get to rough me up a little for your trouble," Cody said hazily, wanting so badly to squeeze his thighs to release some of the tension.  
  
“Rough you up?” Noel repeated, eyes looking somewhere between Cody’s face and a hundred yards behind it.  
  
“A little,” Cody said simply, still light enough that they could pretend it was a bit, “grab me a little hard, push me up against the-,”  
  
As he spoke, Noel shoved him against the wall- more carefully than Cody had at the studio- and kissed him quiet, holding Cody’s jaw roughly between his fingers with his free hand. Cody let out a moan in surprise and then in pleasure, slipping his hands under Noel’s shirt and pulling him toward Cody by his waist. Noel bit at Cody’s lower lip and Cody could’ve fucking melted in his grasp, digging his fingers into Noel’s warm skin.  
  
They broke apart as Noel kissed down his jawline, glancing up at Cody as he caught his breath. Noel pointedly kissed soft on the hickey he’d already left Cody with, tugging his collar down enough to allow him to suck a mark just under his opposite collarbone, the one that wasn't to camera.  
  
_“Mm,”_ Cody hummed, “you remembered,” he said half-jokingly.  
  
“Bet I remember more than just that,” Noel said quietly, pressing his hand against Cody’s dick where it was fucking aching in his pants.  
  
_“Fuck,”_ Cody moaned, grabbing Noel’s wrist to still him.  
  
“You wanna-?” Noel nodded vaguely in the direction of the rest of Cody’s apartment, which was about when Cody realized they weren’t doing this in a car for the first time. The panic must’ve immediately showed on his face, because without a word Noel pulled him into another heated kiss and walked them backward into the living room, stopping them when they reached the couch and setting down the six pack on the coffee table.  
  
Cody’s throat felt suddenly dry when Noel sat on the couch with spread legs, looking up at Cody expectantly. It took a minute to stop himself from dropping to his knees in front of him, and instead straddle Noel on the couch and sit on his admittedly comfortable lap.  
  
“What was the hesitation?” Noel said in an amused voice, and Cody knew that meant that Noel already knew damn well what the hesitation was.  
  
“Shh, just-,” Cody rubbed himself over his pants, undoing them quickly, “please?”  
  
“I want you to tell me,” Noel said, looking at Cody and sliding a hand over his length, not yet pulling his dick out all the way.  
  
“I-,” Cody started, and Noel got a hand around him, freeing his dick from the confines of his underwear, “fuck- Noel, do we have to?”  
  
“Call it sexual therapy, man,” Noel said, sounding distracted as he pulled up Cody’s shirt, prompting Cody to take it off.  
  
“I was-,” Cody moaned as Noel stroked over him once, “thinking about sucking your dick,” he rushed out, thrusting into the circle of Noel’s fist.  
  
“For practice?” Noel asked against his mouth, his other hand coming up to cradle Cody’s face.  
  
Cody swallowed back all the things he wanted to say, _No, to make you come in my mouth or on my face, but _fuck_ to make you feel good, to make you moan my name this time,_ and shivered as Noel thumbed at his lower lip.  
  
“Yeah,” Cody said instead, sucking just the tip of Noel’s thumb into his mouth and kissing it filthily.  
  
Noel’s eyes glazed over as he watched Cody’s bruised mouth suck at the digit, mouth just slightly agape as he glanced back to Cody’s hungry gaze.  
  
“I-,” he started, and then the doorbell rang.  
  
They both froze, clarity washing over them like a cold ocean wave- the world kept turning even if they pretended that the shit they did was outside of real time. They scrambled apart, Cody redoing his pants quickly as Noel handed him back his shirt. He slipped it on as Noel put on Netflix, clicking a show at random as Cody went to answer the door.  
  
“Kelsey?” Cody said when he was met with her annoyed glare and arms filled with fast food bags.  
  
“You’re not gonna answer my texts, fine, but don’t think I’m not gonna come over and bug you about it!”  
  
“I- sorry, yeah I’ve just been-,”  
  
“Super busy. Sure,” Kelsey said, and then walked into the apartment, “So, I couldn’t decide and I got stuff from Chickfila and Chipotl-,” she froze as she noticed the TV on, turning back to Cody and whispering, “oh my god is he here?”  
  
“No! That’s- no-,” Cody said hastily, and Kelsey squinted at him as they walked toward the living room.  
  
“Ah, hey Kels,” Noel said easily, lifting his beer toward her in greeting, and Cody gestured toward Noel as casually as he could manage.  
  
“Noel, hey, wow you guys working late tonight?” Kelsey said in surprise, chuckling to herself as she realized it was just him.  
  
_“Yeah, actually-,” “No, we’re just-,”_ they said simultaneously, and Cody shut up as Noel eyed him.  
  
“Both, yeah we were writing some shit and just ended up fucking around and watching some old Bachelorette episodes,” Noel said smoothly, and Cody nodded robotically.  
  
“Oh,” Kelsey said, and Cody just shrugged and rejoined Noel on the couch, his thigh pressing comfortably against Noel's. Kelsey glanced between them for a second as she set down the bags of fast food, _“Oh.”_  
  
“No “Oh,” what’s _oh?”_ Cody shot back, and Kelsey shook her head, hiding her face as she let out a little laugh.  
  
“No, it’s nothing I just- I just remembered I was- I gotta go,” she said with a shrug, smile a little too wide as she started to walk away, “I hate to interrupt.”  
  
“You’re not- we’re not-!” Cody stuttered, following after her, until she beat him to the door, gesturing toward Noel from where he couldn’t see her and mouthing _It’s fucking Noel? You better call me tomorrow!_  
  
Cody sighed, scrunching up his face, “Bye Kelsey.”  
  
“Bye guys!” she said too cheerfully and then left.  
  
Cody groaned and threw himself on the couch beside Noel. Noel burst into laughter, putting his beer down while Cody cursed at god in his head. Noel continued laughing while Cody pictured Kelsey’s face when she said _oh_ the second time. She hadn’t suspected anything at first, and then she… what?  
  
“Well, now I’m gonna have to deal with that later,” Cody grumbled, sitting up and reaching for a beer, “I wonder what tipped her off.”  
  
“Yeah, I fucking wonder,” Noel chuckled pulling at the sleeve of Cody’s shirt. Cody glanced down at himself. His shirt was inside out. Fuck.  
  
“Fuck,” Cody groaned, and Noel laughed again.  
  
“I have no idea how you’re gonna explain that one, but you _have_ to tell me what you fucking come up with,” Noel laughed out, voice a little tight.  
  
“I could say it was for a skit?” Cody said unconvincingly and Noel just shook his head in amusement, “God, that was stupid.”  
  
“Kill the vibe?” Noel joked, raising his eyebrows at Cody teasingly.  
  
Cody blushed, the brief reprieve not doing an ounce to stifle how much he still wanted to be _on_ Noel, “Strangely enough-,” Cody started, and then- in a moment of bravery that could only be underscored by horniness- dropped to his knees between Noel’s legs.  
  
“Whoa-,” Noel started, and Cody trailed his hands up his thighs.  
  
“Let me try,” Cody said in a soft voice, vulnerable, waiting a minute before looking up at Noel’s face through his lashes.  
  
“It’s not that I don’t want to man-,” Noel started, carding a hand through Cody’s hair almost automatically, and Cody hummed at the feeling, “I’m just scared that we’re blurring the lines here a little.”  
  
Of course. Noel was afraid that Cody was gonna get to attached to this, that he would want more- a relationship. Something Noel couldn't give him. Cody clenched his jaw, trying his best to fight the anxiety buzzing just under his skin before he spoke.  
  
“It’s just for experience,” Cody said, hands drifting toward Noel’s hips teasingly and making him shift his position just a bit as Cody grazed his dick, “don’t you want me to have every experience I can?”  
  
He looked up at Noel and he was nodding, eyes half lidded as he spoke, “Yeah. Yeah okay.”  
  
This was stupid. Cody was vaguely aware that this was stupid, even as he traced a hand over Noel’s dick and felt it hardening under his touch. Maybe them starting at all in the first place was the worst idea ever because it would ultimately lead to this- and _this_ could only lead to Cody getting hurt. Cody felt that thought itching in the back of his mind as he undid Noel’s pants and pulled them down, all thoughts temporarily turning into static when he realized Noel wasn’t wearing anything underneath.  
  
“Shit,” Cody said under his breath, palming over his length almost absentmindedly and looking up when Noel’s dick twitched at the contact.  
  
“Oh _fuck,”_ Noel moaned, shutting his eyes and letting his head fall back against the couch. Cody watched greedily, jacking his dick a bit and watching the tension in his neck.  
  
Cody hummed appreciatively at the feeling of Noel’s dick in his hand, noticing how he didn’t get as wet as Cody did. Cody leaned forward and licked the head experimentally, sucking it into his mouth carefully when Noel’s hand tightened in his hair.  
  
Belatedly, Cody realized that while he knew how to give a blowjob theoretically, having his mouth on Noel’s actual dick was kind of overwhelming. He pulled off for a moment, feeling panicky all at once.  
  
“You still with me man?”  
  
“Yeah, I just-,” Cody swallowed, looking up at Noel and taking a breath, “needed a second.”  
  
“We can stop,” Noel said, tone soft even as he thumbed at Cody’s slick bottom lip.  
  
Cody shook his head, “I want this,” he said, leaning forward and fighting the anxiety to suck Noel into his mouth, loosening his jaw and focusing on just the feeling of Noel in his mouth.  
  
_“Shit,”_ Noel moaned, pulling his hands away from Cody like he was afraid of hurting him. Cody slid further down his length, trying to find his limit and closing his eyes when he met his hand where it was fisted at the base of Noel’s dick. Okay. He could do this.  
  
Cody pulled almost all the way off and followed with his hand, and then back down, slowly building a rhythm while Noel’s breathing sped up above him. Cody pushed himself a little further, feeling his throat flutter around Noel’s dick while he tried to adjust.  
  
“Fuck- _Cody, oh-,”_ Noel moaned, hands slipping into Cody’s hair carefully while he kept his hips purposefully still. Cody pulled off and coughed, feeling himself twitch in his pants at the feeling. He took a deep breath before going to suckle at the head again while he jacked the rest of his length.  
  
_“Ah,”_ Noel thrusted into the heat of his mouth and Cody’s cheeks heated as he gagged, palming himself through his pants as the feeling washed over him, “shit- sorry-,”  
  
Cody pulled off and looked up at Noel- wondering if he looked as fucking wrecked as he felt- his mouth all bruised and slick, hair a mess and cheeks pink from the embarrassment that he- well he was-  
  
“You’re getting off on this,” Noel said, voice gravelly and low, and Cody felt his pants tighten even more at the accusation.  
  
“I-,” Cody moaned involuntarily, undoing his pants so he could get a hand on himself, “fuck.”  
  
“Which part is it?” Noel asked, and Cody closed his eyes for just a second under the weight of his attention when he was like this, all worked up, “You like making me feel good?”  
  
Cody groaned, and leaned in to lick him from base to tip in lieu of an answer, shivering at Noel’s hiss, “I think-,” Noel angled Cody’s face toward his with the hold on his hair, “that you like feeling like I’m using you. Is that it?”  
  
_“Please-,”_ Cody moaned, stroking himself and taking Noel into his mouth again, bobbing over his length sloppily.  
  
“Is it?” Noel pressed, tugging on Cody’s hair and making him moan around him, “or do you just love sucking cock?”  
  
Cody blushed furiously as he sucked Noel off, letting go of his own length to scritch his hands up Noel’s thighs. Noel always seemed like the kind of guy who knew how to talk dirty on the low- the kind of thing you don’t think of actively but is still in the back of your mind- but fuck, it was something to be on the receiving end of it. And he knew that Noel loved to see the effect it had on Cody.  
  
Cody’s hands found Noel’s hips and held them down firmly, taking a deep breath before sliding as far down Noel’s length as he could.  
  
“Fuck, _fuck, Cody-,”_ Noel moaned, “fucking natural, _so good,_ so-,”  
  
Cody swallowed around him, a tear escaping at the adjustment as he breathed through his nose, he tried to bob over Noel’s length, gagging in the process. Noel’s hips stuttered under his hands and Cody held him firm, fingernails biting into his hipbones.  
  
He pulled off and licked over Noel’s length, sucking the head into his mouth as Noel breathed obscenely in the quiet of the room, “I’m so close, fuck, I’m-,”  
  
Cody teased the tip of his tongue over his slit, kissing at the head dirtily, and Noel cursed.  
  
“I’m fucking _coming- oh-,”_ was all the warning Cody got before Noel was moaning and coming on his face, come smattering over his mouth and dripping down his cheekbones and chin filthily. Cody licked his lips on autopilot, freezing when he tasted Noel’s fucking come. He blinked and swiped his fingers on his chin, sucking them into his mouth curiously.  
  
“You’re…” Noel said breathlessly, and Cody looked up at him, flushed with embarrassment as he pulled his fingers from his mouth.  
  
Before Cody could get a word out, Noel had hauled him off his knees and into his lap, kissing him breathless and only breaking their kiss to pull off Cody’s shirt. Cody’s reaction was automatic- pulling Noel closer, closer, _closer,_ moaning when Noel bit his lip in the process of pinning him down on the couch.  
  
Noel was on top of him, and Cody was fucking dripping with how turned on he was, shamefully jerking his hips away when Noel reached down. Noel got a hand on him anyway and Cody whimpered at the contact, cheeks pink as he watched Noel feel _just_ how much he wanted him.  
  
“God, you’re all worked up huh?” Noel said, and Cody nodded, thrusting into Noel’s loose fist, “just from sucking me off.”  
  
Cody bit his lip and moaned when Noel tightened his fist around him, arching up toward him, “Bet I don’t even have to do anything, and you’ll just get yourself off with my hand.”  
  
Cody clawed a hand down Noel’s back and Noel watched him, not moving an inch, “You’re already so close, huh? You think you can come just like this? Just fucking my hand?”  
  
“God, _Noel, come on_ I’m so fucking close, I’ve been close _all fucking day,”_ Cody practically sobbed, chest going red as he continued fucking into Noel’s fist.  
  
“Don’t let me stop you,” Noel said dryly, and Cody gasped as he tightened his fist again, the head of his dick catching just slightly on his fingers, “then again. I’m feeling generous.”  
  
Noel pushed him back down onto the couch fully, kissing him messily as he jacked Cody off in earnest, fast and hard. Cody moaned loudly, and Noel swallowed the sound, kissing him hot and heavy and dirty as he stroked his dick.  
  
_“Fuck,”_ Cody moaned against his mouth hotly, “fuck, _oh my god_ Noel _I’m-,”_ he whimpered and came, hips stuttering against Noel’s hand as it was wrung out of him.  
  
They just breathed against each other for a minute, Noel eventually sitting up to find Cody’s shirt and wipe off his hand, Cody’s stomach. Cody stared at the ceiling blankly for a bit, not sure he could even move if he wanted to.  
  
“Did you just use my fucking shirt?” Cody asked eventually, and Noel chuckled.  
  
“You can go put on another fucking shirt,” Noel said, and Cody tested his legs inconspicuously as possible. Fuck.  
  
“You- _you_ go get me one. _You_ dirty my shirt, _you_ get me another shirt,” Cody pushed, and he could hear more than he could see Noel take a sip of his beer.  
  
“I don’t care if you’re shirtless in your own place man, if you want a clean shirt you can get it yourself,” Noel said.  
  
“Don’t be a dick, Noel,” Cody whined, and Noel laughed.  
  
“I’m not a dick, I just jerked you off man- you… You can’t stand up can you?” Cody could feel Noel’s eyes on him.  
  
Cody flushed, “I can stand, it’s just the- the principle of the fucking thing.”  
  
Noel hummed, “How about this- if you can get me a glass of water, I’ll get you a nice clean shirt.”  
  
“Whatever,” Cody scoffed, sitting up slowly, “fine.”  
  
Cody made to stand, almost making it fully upright before his knees buckled and he fell, Noel steadying him as he landed back on the couch, laughing hysterically. Cody flushed both in embarrassment and at Noel’s hands holding him surely. It was electric against his skin, their proximity adding into some fantasy where Cody could just smile and laugh at himself, cuddle into Noel’s side and kiss his cheek.  
  
“Okay, _that_ was worth it,” Noel chuckled, standing up, “I’ll get your fucking shirt.”  
  
Cody sat alone with his thoughts for a second, and caught his distorted reflection in the TV, looking fucked out even in that, “Jesus,” he said to himself, grabbing his used shirt and wiping his face more thoroughly.  
  
“Here,” Noel said, handing Cody a clean shirt, “or did you need assistance in putting it on too?”  
  
“Fuck you,” Cody chuckled as he pulled it over his head, “big fucking talk for a dude who came on my face tonight.”  
  
“Jesus fucking christ, Cody,” Noel said tightly, opting to stand for a minute and grabbing his half-finished beer from the coffee table.  
  
“Your come was _on my fucking face,_ dude,” Cody laughed out, “in my mouth!”  
  
Noel let out a chuckle, “Yeah, and yours was all over my hand, what’s your point?”  
  
“No point,” Cody said, half-delirious and not sure he had a point to start with, “just like. Isn’t this weird? Like this is fucking crazy.”  
  
“Yeah,” Noel said, looking down at him curiously.  
  
“No, just-,” Cody gestured uselessly, “It's nothing I’m just. I don’t know. Things happen so fast.”  
  
“You… wanna stop.” Noel said, face unreadable.  
  
“That’s not- that’s not what I’m saying,” Cody said quickly, “I like this, I- like a _normal_ amount-,” he added, rambling, and Noel cut him off.  
  
“So what, you’re saying I don’t like this the normal amount?” he said tersely.  
  
Cody’s stomach twisted into knots, “Dude, _no,_ you’re totally misunderstanding me,” he said, trying to decipher the meaning in the furrow of Noel’s brow.  
  
“What’s the deal then?” Noel asked, body language closed off all of a sudden.  
  
Cody stared at him in confusion, “Nothing! Why are you making a big thing out of this, I was just-,”  
  
“Because,” Noel said, “you already told me how we made a weird situation, that I’m too laid back and I let you get whatever you want from me.”  
  
“Whoa dude, I did _not_ mean-,”  
  
“I’m not gonna defend this shit, Cody, not to you, not to your little friends-,” Noel said angrily, gesturing to the door, and Cody felt so fucking small as Noel stared him down, “I was helping you out but if you think that this is crazy then I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing here, man.”  
  
“You took what I said all wrong, dude, I just- I get all caught up sometimes, with my anxiety, and I say some stupid shit just to check what you think, I-,”  
  
“If it’s giving you anxiety, then it’s not working anymore Cody,” Noel said bluntly, and Cody just stared at him wordlessly for a minute. How had this gone bad so fucking fast?  
  
“That’s not-,” Cody started, then stopped himself, running his hands through his hair as he tried to gather himself. Cody didn’t understand how Noel got it so wrong, and he couldn’t even correct him without revealing how he really felt about their arrangement. “Maybe you’re right.”  
  
Cody stared at the ground, only heard the breath that Noel let out before he spoke, “Okay. Then we can stop it right now, before-,” he stuttered, “before shit gets confused.”  
  
Cody nodded, sniffing before looking up to meet Noel’s hard gaze, “Yeah. Okay.”  
  
“Good,” Noel said, and that stung. He rejoined Cody on the couch, putting a gap of space between them that Cody should have put between them when Kelsey came in, and that stung too.  
  
“What are you doing?” Cody asked, as Noel reached for the remote. All Cody wanted was to sulk and berate himself into a pillow, but Noel wasn’t leaving.  
  
“It’s still early, and just because we’re stopping doesn’t mean I don’t wanna still hang out with your dumb ass,” Noel said, putting on the Bachelorette and grabbing one of the bags of food Kelsey had left.  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“So I’m eating Kelsey’s food, I’m drinking,” he looked pointedly at Cody, “and _you’re_ drinking, and we’re gonna watch however many fucking episodes it takes for us to feel bored with each other again.”  
  
Noel handed him his beer and Cody stared at it numbly, “You in?” he asked, and Cody looked at him. Really looked at him, the way he did in the car sometimes when he was thinking more about the pretty shade of green Noel’s eyes were than he was listening to what Noel was saying. The usual softness in his eyes looked almost hopeful and nervous as he waited for Cody’s response. Cody pulled the memory of Noel’s soft kiss to the mark on his neck to the front of his mind, held onto it for a moment, and then blinked as he re-entered the moment.  
  
“I’m in,” Cody said, taking the beer and ignoring the stutter of his heart when their fingers brushed. He would have to get used to the feeling.  
  
Noel smiled and clicked an episode.  
  
**  
  
Noel didn’t get home until Cody fell asleep, only awake enough to chuckle whenever Noel said something in a joking tone- not really hearing him. Noel made him lay down flat on the couch before he left and took an Uber home, staring out the window the whole time trying to block out the thoughts behind the floodgate in his head. Now, at home and staring at his own couch, all he could think was that it was the right thing to do.  
  
Because Cody wanted to practice but Noel was catching fucking feelings, and those two things did not match up. And Noel was pretty sure Cody was fucking catching on too- he could tell that Noel was enjoying it too much on some level. That’s why he kept bringing it up, like he was waiting for Noel to have an explanation for how into it he was.  
  
Maybe Kelsey would have a theory for him, Noel thought, scrubbing his hands over his face in frustration.  
  
It was whatever, if Cody was talking to Kelsey about them then that was his shit to deal with. Noel was just gonna focus on getting back to normal, back to the way things were before Noel ever offered himself up as a sexual experiment.  
  
Noel pulled off his clothes wearily as he got into bed, unlocking his phone and pulling up his messages. He let out a sigh and tapped on Aleena’s conversation.  
  
**Noel: gonna need a therapy session asap**  
  
**Aleena: yikes. who did you fuck this time**  
  
Noel let out a long breath, annoyed with both the fact that it was always the same shit with him, and that this thing with Cody was nothing like any of the other times. This wasn’t even on the same playing field as the shit Aleena was referencing, not even close. He touched the bite mark that was still fading on his collarbone, let out a breath, tapped out his message.  
  
**Noel: you’re not gonna believe me**  
  
**Noel: i’ll tell you when we meet up**  
  
**Aleena: ??**  
  
Noel ignored her last message and rolled over, putting a pillow over his head like it would stifle the sound of Cody’s moans, the hurt in his voice when Noel put an end to things, the sound of him saying Noel’s name against his mouth, as they bounced around in his head like an echo chamber.  
  
It was some sick lullaby, but Noel did eventually fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY sorry for being MIA for a bit there, but hopefully this being a longer chapter is an adequate apology!  
> Thank you all for your comments, on the last chapter, I'm still replying to them, and I hope you guys like this one!! lmk ♥  
> And happy new year!
> 
> EDIT 1/22/21:
> 
> okay i know i literally took forever to post this and now it's been a long time for chapter 10 too, but don't worry i'm not abandoning this!  
> i had a bunch of personal things come up one after another and i didn't have time to think, but i'm back ! again !
> 
> i wish there was a way i could do a little announcement or something but i'll settle for this for now. chapter 10 soon, just wanted to update bc i know some of y'all are going a lil crazy


	10. Chapter 10

“It was fucking _Noel??”_ Kelsey burst out excitedly as soon as she opened the door for Cody the next day.  
  
“Nice to see you too, Kels,” Cody said pettily, making his way into her place. She was practically vibrating with an energy that Cody couldn’t fucking match if he tried, and not just because of the tension headache he’d woken up with. Kelsey grabbed his shoulders and shook him playfully as they walked toward her kitchen table.  
  
She laughed giddily, “It is him, isn’t it? I totally felt the chemistry when you guys-,”  
  
“You didn’t _feel_ anything Kelsey,” Cody said heatedly, setting their drinks on the table and sitting down a little too forcefully. Cody pretended not to notice when Kelsey’s face fell as she saw him hunched over himself, making himself seem as small as he felt these days. She reached for her latte as she looked him over, didn’t take a seat yet.  
  
“What happened?” Kelsey asked, stirring her latte absentmindedly.  
  
_“Nothing,_ nothing was _ever_ happening-,” Cody laughed at himself and it sounded hollow even to his own ears, “I just thought that something _could_ be, and I’m an idiot. And that’s it.”  
  
Cody watched out of the corner of his eye as Kelsey paused and then shook her head, sitting in the chair across from him, “I’m confused- Noel was the same guy who was holding your hand?”  
  
“Yeah, that was- god- that feels like forever ago now,” Cody said, resting his head on the cool wood of the table and staring at the condensation on his iced coffee. The sensation of Noel’s hand holding his in the backseat of his car was harder to recall than Noel’s hand in his hair, guiding Cody as he sucked his dick. Fuck.  
  
“Okay, start from the top,” Kelsey said, looking at Cody expectantly.  
  
Cody grimaced, “I don’t really wanna go through it all, I feel so stupid. I messed up a good thing and- it’s probably better that I did anyway, it would probably fuck our careers-,”  
  
“Cody.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Just, you’ll feel better once you vent I promise, and maybe I can actually help if you give me some context,” she said encouragingly, and Cody frowned at the droplets of water collecting around his cup. He sat up again, and he could feel his thoughts shake around and start buzzing, like a hive of disturbed bees ready to burst out. Cody _did_ kind of wanna talk about it, it turned out, if only to get the buzzing to stop.  
  
Cody sighed, ran a hand through his hair and frowned at the texture of it due to the shower he’d skipped that morning, “Okay fine.”  
  
So he told her everything while she paced back and forth around her kitchen, saying nothing and furrowing her eyebrows every so often. She was good at this, just listening and making Cody feel heard even if she didn’t really understand. Cody relayed the whole tale to her in tangents about hoodies and anxiety and bad fast food, and Kelsey just let him talk. His hands were sensitive from wringing them the whole time he was talking, tighter when he talked about the fight that got him where he was, in Kelsey’s apartment feeling pretty fucking low after laying it all out like that.  
  
He was certain he sounded fucking crazy.  
  
**  
  
Aleena had started calling these little venting talks she and Noel had “therapy sessions” after Noel had spent a few hours laying down on her bed talking while she listened from her desk chair. There was something about staring up at nothing while talking that made him feel like it was safe to say shit he usually wouldn’t. Aleena had tried it the next time she needed advice from Noel, and the therapy sessions became a thing after that.  
  
Not that it was any less embarrassing to show up at Aleena’s place and tell her how he fucked up one of the most important relationships in his life because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.  
  
“We’re talking about Cody? Cody Ko.” Aleena said a while after Noel explained what went down. Noel had spent the gap between his words and Aleena’s trying to quash the image of Cody’s sad eyes.  
  
“Do _not_ clown me, I’ve heard it all from myself already,” Noel groaned rolling onto his side on the bed.  
  
“As in your best friend, business partner, writing partner- _Noel.”_ Aleena said almost pleadingly, and this was why Noel had avoided her for the past few weeks.  
  
“I didn’t go into it thinking this was gonna happen,” Noel said, and Aleena scoffed quietly.  
  
“Come on, you guys were all over each other _before_ you started fucking around, did you really not think that if you guys crossed the line that…” she trailed off, and Noel knew she was right. But things had been going well for Noel for a while before they started up, so consequences weren’t even conscious thoughts in his mind for a while there. It felt like he couldn’t fuck up- views were going up, he’d finally gotten on the right medication, they had Genius interviews and a fucking tour to keep improving- small decisions weren’t even thoughts anymore, they were all coin flips and gut feelings.  
  
It wasn’t until things with him and Cody started to get complicated that consequences slammed into view, and suddenly he was in way too fucking deep for way too long. Honestly, if the night before was a bad way for things to go down, and they were still good? Noel could deal.  
  
“I don’t think either of us were thinking that- that _something_ could happen,” Noel said after a minute, pulling his hood up.  
  
Aleena rolled her eyes, “God, you guys are made for each other.”  
  
“No, we’re not. I let Cody use me for some experience, and somewhere along the line I- I let myself slip and I caught feelings. I had to cut and run.” Noel said resolutely, and he could feel himself giving into it, into this being the way things were with Cody moving forward.  
  
“I mean, you waited way too long to dip,” Aleena shrugged, and Noel let out a breath through his nose.  
  
“Well it went fine, we’re good,” Noel glanced toward where she was staring at him incredulously, “I’m serious. I mean he still drives me crazy, but I can deal with that.”  
  
**  
  
“You’re not crazy,” Kelsey said and Cody almost chuckled at how she always knew what to say.  
  
“Am I not?” Cody asked, feeling his heart ache in his chest as he went through their initial conversations in his head, _again,_ “he told me what we were doing! From the start, it was just… helping each other out. Helping _my_ late bloomer ass out. I pushed him too far-,”  
  
“If it was too far you guys wouldn’t still be okay,” Kelsey interrupted, nodding to herself, “And you’re okay, right?”  
  
Cody sighed, “… Yeah, I guess but-,”  
  
“But nothing, Cody, I think you guys hit the brakes before you did something you couldn’t bounce back from,” she said frankly, and crossed her arms. Cody nearly winced- he could feel her judging them for letting it go that far in the first place. With so much at stake.  
  
Cody ignored the swell of anxiety that came with her scrutiny, “Really? Because it feels like we drove straight off a fucking cliff.”  
  
Kelsey looked at him sympathetically, “You’re gonna miss it?” she said, like she was realizing it as she spoke.  
  
“Of fucking course I’m gonna miss it,” Cody burst out, standing up and running his hands through his hair as wave of anxiety washed over him. He stared at the tile and took deep breaths, turning back to Kelsey with glassy eyes. “Not just the sex stuff. I- he- we were closer, I think.”  
  
Cody looked away to wipe a tear before it fell, “It was comforting. To have someone, for a little while.”  
  
“Oh, Cody,” Kelsey frowned, and pulled him into a hug, and Cody took a deep breath. This was the part that made him feel crazy. All he had wanted to do since the second Noel called it quits was cry, or at least curl up into a ball and feel miserable. But he couldn’t- because he didn’t really lose _Noel,_ he just lost fucking access to the version of him that held Cody’s hand when he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Because for some fucking reason _that_ Noel was the same one that jerked Cody off in the backseat of his car.  
  
Kelsey rubbed his back and he let a tear fall- just one.  
  
Noel was still there, and he would still be there for him- in the way a friend should. Whatever that meant- Cody wasn’t so sure, but he knew that he should be happy that he didn’t do any more damage than their relationship could handle. He couldn’t have missed the limit of their boundaries by much, it seemed, since starting and breaking off a sexual relationship didn’t leave too big a scar.  
  
“Whatever,” Cody said, and pulled away, “like you said, we’re still good so-,” he shrugged, and his gaze was further away, in Noel’s car at the lookout point, surrounded by trees.  
  
“Yeah,” Kelsey said soothingly, squeezing his shoulder once, and then her voice came stronger, “yeah- hey, you know what you need?”  
  
“Therapy?” Cody mumbled, letting out a breath through his nose.  
  
“Well, probably, but I mean something that would make you feel better.”  
  
**  
  
“A party?” Noel repeated skeptically, sitting up on the side of Aleena’s bed as she looked on innocently.  
  
“It’s- no- it’s like a kickback,” she said, and Noel squinted at her, “Whatever! You just need to get your mind off... things. And think about something else, or _someone_ else.”  
  
Noel rolled his eyes, “Okay, the way I got into this mess was by sticking my dick in it, and you want me to what? Try again?”  
  
“Uh, yeah,” Aleena said cheerfully, and Noel scoffed, “aw c’mon. What are you gonna do, stay home and look through his instagram in bed?”  
  
Noel glared at her and she raised her hands in surrender, laughing to herself. Noel had honestly been tempted to see if Cody had updated his twitter or his private story. He just wanted to know if Cody had been affected at all, or if he was just going about his day. Because Noel was a fucking wreck- he woke up late, missed a bunch of calls from their manager, didn’t eat anything, and then just left. He dreaded being alone with his thoughts, and he knew how easy it would be to open up insta and scroll for a minute, maybe just glance through Cody’s feed-  
  
But he wouldn’t do that to himself, so naturally he’d turned off his phone and given it to Aleena when he walked into her apartment.  
  
“You know what, maybe you’re right,” Noel said, scratching the back of his neck idly, “getting over someone and getting on top of someone else, right?” he was half joking, but he knew his way around a rebound fuck. And it couldn’t hurt.  
  
“That’s gross, but also yes,” Aleena said, scrolling through phone for the info, “yeah, this weekend. Come on.”  
  
Noel was smirking because he already knew that this was a bad idea and it wasn’t gonna work, but he was gonna do it anyway.  
  
“Yeah? That’s a smile! That’s a yes, we’re going,” Aleena laughed, spinning in her chair.  
  
“This is fuckin’ stupid,” Noel chuckled, glancing at his phone where it sat on Aleena’s dresser while she was busy with her own.  
  
“Worst case is you have some meh sex and free booze. Best case is you don’t check your phone all night,” Aleena said pointedly, glancing up and catching him staring at his phone.  
  
“Ouch,” Noel said, “well I guess if I look that bad I have to go.”  
  
“Aw, pity sex for losers. It’s okay, it’s still sex,” Aleena said faux-poutily, tapping away a text to her friend.  
  
He stared at up at the ceiling, wondering what Cody was doing while Noel was trying to pick up his pieces. He wondered if Cody was busy, what he’d be doing that night, “You know I already miss him?”  
  
“Don’t even start with that shit,” Aleena chuckled, not looking up from her phone.  
  
Noel barely heard her as he let his mind wander through the last few weeks, further- who needed social media when he had a years-long arsenal of moments with Cody in his mind? As he went further back into his memory he could feel moments being painted by how he felt about him now. Blonde Cody was cute when he laughed at Noel’s jokes, and Cody when Noel first met him was still getting comfortable with wanting to make people laugh- but the Cody that Noel liked best was wearing his hoodie in the passenger seat of his car. There and gone and there again in the passing streetlights late at night.  
  
Noel blinked and he was gone.  
  
“How does that work? I miss him, and it’s only been a few hours.”  
  
Aleena looked up at him derisively, “Okay, the blowjob could _not_ have been that good,”  
  
Noel chuckled, “He was really trying, it was… _hot.”_  
  
“No offense, but ew,” Aleena laughed out and Noel snapped out of it, laughing along with her.  
  
“Your homophobia is showing,” Noel chuckled out, and she flipped him off, making him laugh even harder.  
  
“I’m not _homophobic_ I just would rather do anything than picture Cody Ko sucking your dick,” Aleena said, and Noel just nodded hesitantly, pretending not to believe her.  
  
“Right.”  
  
“Whatever, get ready to forget _him_ and replace his memory with whatever rando you’ll get too attached to at this party. It’s on Saturday at nine.”  
  
**  
  
“I’m not going to that,” Cody shook his head, almost nauseous at the idea of a crowd of people and loud music when he felt so shitty.  
  
“No, you should come! You love a good party,” Kelsey argued, and Cody just sighed.  
  
“I just don’t feel up to it, Kels,” he said, idly pressing on the quickly fading bruise from the night before.  
  
He glanced at Kelsey to see if she noticed, embarrassed, but of course she had no idea what bruises Noel had left him with- on his neck, collarbone, his hips. His heart. Cody frowned at his own cliché thoughts, and tuned back into what Kelsey was saying.  
  
“Too bad, you’re going,” Kelsey stated, and Cody groaned, “We’ll get drunk and erase your brain. It’ll be fun!”  
  
“That doesn’t sound fun,” Cody said, sitting down again just so he could rest his head on the table.  
  
Kelsey ignored him as she scrolled through her phone, “Oh my god, you have to go- that guy Justin is going.”  
  
“Who?” Cody deadpanned, not at all interested in meeting or seeing anyone. Unless it was Noel. It was an internal battle just to see Kelsey, he almost turned around and went home so many times. But he’d gotten her matcha latte, and it had helped him stay on route from where it sat in the cupholder.  
  
“I told you about him, really hot guy at happy hour turned out to be gay-,”  
  
“Oh,” Cody said, remembering Kelsey bemoaning some cute guy a while back. It was weird, remembering it from a different mindset, like he’d felt a little too interested even then, “Yeah, that was a long time ago.”  
  
Kelsey grinned, “Well he’s in town, and I think you guys would really get along,”  
  
“I’m not- I’m not ready for that Kelsey jesus-,” Cody said, blushing as she raised her eyebrows at him suggestively.  
  
“Listen, if something happens that’s great, but he’s pretty cool so maybe you guys could just be friends,” she said, looking at him hopefully with her phone held tightly to her chest.  
  
“What does he do?” Cody settled on asking, feeling weirdly vulnerable.  
  
“He’s an actor-,” Kelsey started, and Cody made a face, “and he’s _not_ annoying, promise. Here look.”  
  
Kelsey gave Cody her phone, and Cody scrolled through the guy’s Instagram- _Justin._ He was… attractive. He worked out, and he was smiling in most of his pictures he was- he seemed- nice. Cody glanced up at Kelsey sheepishly, and she just shrugged like it was up to him.  
  
Cody bit his lip, “I- okay. Fine. We can go, I’ll meet him. But I’m getting blackout fucking drunk.”  
  
“Yay!”  
  
**  
  
When Noel started driving back to his place it was already getting late, and his phone was burning a hole in his fucking pocket for how badly he wanted to turn it back on. Cody could still text him, just for normal shit like whatever their manager called him about. Noel didn’t have to check his twitter or his insta, he could just turn on his phone and be a real person for a few minutes, check his messages.  
  
It wouldn’t be enough.  
  
He found himself driving to Cody’s place instead, the sky darkening around him as he pulled into the parking lot and stared at Cody’s apartment door through his rearview mirror.  
  
“What the fuck am I doing here,” Noel mumbled to himself, pulling his phone out of his pocket and setting it on the center console. He could see Cody’s car just a few spots over, so he was home.  
  
“Fuck,” Noel sighed, reaching into his glovebox and pulling out a pipe and a baggy of weed, packing a bowl. He was gonna need something if he was gonna go up there- and he was definitely going up there.  
  
The thing was that this was a bad look, period. Noel was the one who shut it down, and he made it personal too. So maybe Cody was annoyed that he wasn’t gonna be getting anymore dick, but he could also just be pissed at Noel for starting something for- seemingly- no reason. And he’d be justified too, Noel just nitpicked something that Cody said, got overwhelmed and called it.  
  
The bowl was cashed, and all Noel could bring himself to do was pocket his phone and leave the car to go up the steps to Cody’s place without thinking about it too much. The weed made his mind a little lighter, and he was practically laughing at himself as he walked up the steps- how the fuck did they end up like this where Noel couldn’t even bring himself to knock on Cody’s door.  
  
He knocked. He took a breath.  
  
“Oh,” Cody said when he opened the door. Noel felt himself tense at the sight of him, hair disheveled and getting long- how had he not noticed that before?- in just a hoodie and soft shorts, and his dorky glasses. Noel felt higher all at once, like Cody’s presence did something to space him out, forget that the outside world existed. Fuck.  
  
“I’m sorry dude-,” Cody said, crossing his arms self-consciously, “I didn’t, uh- did you say you were gonna come over today last night?”  
  
“No, I just,” Noel started, widening his eyes when he realized he hadn’t come up with a story, “uh, can I come in?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah,” Cody said, stepping out of the way so Noel could slip past him. He ached to touch his shoulder, pull at his hoodie sleeve, _something._ The movement didn’t come.  
  
“I just…” Noel started and then let out a breath, fuck it, time to get a little real, “I wasn’t really cool with how we left things last night.”  
  
Cody blinked quickly, glancing away and then back again, “What do you mean?”  
  
“I know I was kinda harsh about how we- how- uh, we ended things,” Noel said, fuck, everything he said sounded like some post-breakup bullshit and it was so stilted coming out of his mouth.  
  
“Oh, well uh. Yeah, it’s okay, it was tense for both of us,” Cody said, crossing his arms tighter against his chest. They were still standing in the doorway like Noel was gonna leave any minute.  
  
“You don’t have to brush it off man, I know it was a bad look,” Noel said, taking a measured step toward him, reaching out and then dropping his arm between them.  
  
“I don’t want this to be a thing,” Cody said, shrugging, “we did some stuff, and yeah it sucks that it’s over but like, ultimately you were right.”  
  
“Right,” Noel said, feeling far away, “no, yeah, I was just. Thinking about you today and- I didn’t want you to think I was pissed at you or something.”  
  
“I don’t think that,” Cody shook his head looking at Noel reassuringly, “it’s weird but, like you said, weird is relative.”  
  
“Which part is weird?” Noel prodded, and he knew he was dragging it out, he just wanted to know what Cody was thinking.  
  
Cody let out a breathy laugh, “Uh, I don’t know. The whole part. I didn’t know that last night was gonna be the last time that we- well. Yeah. So that’s kind of weird.”  
  
“You-,”  
  
“It’s fine, we can- I can move past it dude, it was just for experience.”  
  
Noel took a step toward him again- he’d blame this on the weed later- letting his fingers graze down the fabric of Cody’s hoodie, “You need some closure?”  
  
Cody shivered and glanced away, and Noel wished he’d spent more time looking at him like this, up close and personal. The column of his neck was so tempting, the bruise that Noel left him with- barely visible now- the only brushstroke to an otherwise perfect canvas. Noel had never thought himself a painter before. His mouth- lips, chapped but pink and soft, perched around a word he hadn't spoken yet. His hair was curling slightly where it was just wanting to reach his shoulders, and Noel started to reach for a lock of it to tug at teasingly. Cody met his gaze again and caught Noel’s wrist in his fist, tight.  
  
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Noel,” Cody said quietly, but his eyes were dark.  
  
“Well,” Noel said, voice low as he glanced down at where Cody was holding him- he forgot how strong he was sometimes, “everyone deserves one last kiss.”  
  
Cody’s pupils were blown as he matched Noel’s tone, “Yeah. Yeah, okay.”  
  
Noel licked his lips idly, and this was so bad and so, _so_ stupid- but Noel hadn’t known it was gonna be their last time together either. He couldn’t even remember the moment that their lips last touched before things got sexual. They could have this one last thing- and maybe it would be sus to anyone else but this could just be for them. No one was around to tell them that it didn’t make sense.  
  
“Okay,” Noel said, and moved to cradle Cody’s jaw in one hand, his breath coming short when Cody sighed at the contact. He just held him there for a second, before they came crashing together, _hot_ and _slow_ and _wanting._  
  
Noel’s hands moved to Cody’s waist, pulling him closer while Cody hummed against him in pleasure, letting Noel suck on his tongue while his fingers played against the stubble of Noel’s jawline. Cody was so intentional, licking into Noel’s mouth delicately and teasingly, sending a thrill up Noel’s spine like nothing else could.  
  
Cody’s thumb traced an invisible line down Noel’s neck and Noel almost gave it all up just then. Laid it all on the table, that this was more than just sex to him, it was intimacy and- and- _more._ His legs were shaky when he bit at Cody’s bottom lip, and when Cody let out a moan that he couldn’t hold back, Noel had to pull away. Or else he’d have to drag Cody to his bed and let Cody have his way with him, and they’d never get through this.  
  
He rested his forehead against Cody’s for a second as they caught their breath, for a moment feeling like tears were pricking at his eyes. Why the fuck did this feel like goodbye?  
  
“That’s one hell of a last kiss,” Cody whispered after a moment.  
  
“Yeah,” Noel said weakly, letting his hands fall away from Cody and standing up straight, “at least we knew that it was the last one.”  
  
Cody had a somber look on his face, “That definitely helps.”  
  
“I guess I’ll see you for the podcast next week,” Noel said, taking a few steps backward.  
  
“Of course, dude,” Cody said, clearing his throat.  
  
“Okay,” Noel said, reaching for the doorhandle, and half smiling at Cody to hopefully let him know that they were still good. They would always be good.  
  
Cody waved and Noel left, taking the stairs down two at a time until he got into his car. He rested his head on the steering wheel for a minute while his heart raced, a knot forming in his throat. Noel had hoped that he could calm down enough to go home, but the moment didn’t come. He slammed his fist against the steering wheel in frustration, ignoring the tears as he banged against the wheel again and again, not quite feeling the contact between his hand and the leather after a while.  
  
He drove home in a haze, smoked another few bowls, and collapsed into bed, pretending to sleep.  
  
**  
  
Cody rubbed his eyes idly after Noel shut the door behind him, and felt a hollow ache in his chest. The ache crawled up his throat and dripped hot down his face, and he stood there in the entryway of his apartment for a while before he realized he was finally crying. A sob escaped him, and he made his way to his room, and curled into a ball on his bed, mind blank but for fleeting thoughts without words, green grass flashing to green eyes.  
  
That was the last he’d see of _that_ Noel. And that would have to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited chapter 10!!! Thank you everyone for your comments and hoping that I update, I promise I've been reading them all as they came in and I plan to answer everyone soon. I didn't expect another hiatus between chapters, but I had a bunch of personal things come up, so I appreciate your enthusiasm, it really helped me sit down and write again when I finally had time <3
> 
> So! Let me know what you guys think of this one!! Love to hear from you as always ♥


	11. Chapter 11

Cody still felt like shit. He woke up feeling like shit, he made his coffee and felt like shit, he pretended to eat his extremely late breakfast and he felt like shit. The toast he’d ripped up into pieces mocked him from where it sat scattered along his plate like a crime scene alongside eggs and hot sauce. It wasn’t like he wasn’t trying to feel better- he _was-_ but every time he got a little notification in the link dump chat for topics for the next podcast, all Cody could think about was how he needed to save every ounce of fake enthusiasm for then.  
  
And every notification that wasn’t _that_ was from Kelsey, talking about the party.  
  
“Ugh,” Cody groaned when his phone buzzed again, considering breaking the plate on purpose this time just to let out _something._  
  
He ignored her text for the tenth time and gently placed the plate in his sink, staring at it while he tried to think of a way to get out of going to the stupid party. Getting blackout drunk on his couch would have the same effect _without_ the added embarrassment of a bunch of random strangers seeing him cry into a toilet. A bunch of random strangers and _Justin-_ his mind added. So there was that.  
  
His phone rang and Cody groaned, walking toward his bedroom as he answered, “What?”  
  
“You are _such_ a fucking brat,” Kelsey said, and Cody would’ve whined if it wouldn’t have proved her point.  
  
Cody sat heavily on his mattress, “I just- I thought I would feel better by now, but I don’t-,”  
  
“Which is _why_ you’re going to the party,” Kelsey said bluntly.  
  
“Kels, c’mon-,”  
  
Kelsey interrupted, “Cody, I know you! Okay? And you are gonna feel _so_ much better if you just let me make all your decisions.”  
  
Cody chuckled, pulling a pillow to his chest, “That sounds even more stressful somehow.”  
  
Kelsey hummed in thought for a second, “How about this- just do _one_ thing I ask, and if you don’t feel better then you don’t have to go to the party.”  
  
Cody rolled his eyes, “Okay, I’ll bite. What do I do?”  
  
“Take a shower- with the water hot enough that you can just barely stand it. Put some music on and don’t get out until your fingers look like raisins.”  
  
Cody looked down at himself, still wearing the same clothes as when he’d seen Kelsey last, and wondered if he was really this predictable, “How do you know I didn’t already shower?”  
  
She held back a laugh, “You haven’t. Go wash your hair and shave, and call me back. Deal?”  
  
Cody sighed, running a hand through his oily hair and frowning to himself at the feeling, “Yeah, okay deal.”  
  
“Yay,” Kelsey said gleefully and hung up, leaving Cody with the monumental-seeming task of dragging himself to the shower.  
  
Cody hated that he could never detect when this happened- the times when he would completely forget to take care of himself versus him the rest of the time. He didn’t know what the mental transition was between showering every day because he felt gross otherwise, and hygiene being the very last thing on his mind- but it was definitely tied to bad things happening to him. When his grandmother had passed away when he was in high school his dad had to push him into the shower fully clothed after so many days, and he’d started crying all of a sudden, like the last of her was going away with the soap and water.  
  
It hadn’t happened that drastically in a while, but there was no one to push him into the shower anymore. Though he could tell on days he showed up to set after a bad few days that everyone was politely ignoring how rough around the edges he looked- including Noel. If he’d had the energy to embarrassed he might’ve been, but he really, really didn’t. Just like now.  
  
He attempted to shake himself from the beginnings of a circular thought process and stood up, dragging his feet as he walked the length of his bedroom to his bathroom. He peeled his clothes off on autopilot, starting the shower and staring at himself in the mirror as it steamed up. He’d lost weight again- sleeping too late to remember to eat and having coffee in its place wasn’t a great diet apparently. His tattoos stood out starkly against his skin- a sure sign that he needed the sun- and he shivered at the way it made him feel about himself. He took off his glasses and set them on the sink letting the blurry naked shape in front of him take the place of any certain lines that called themselves his body.  
  
The mirror started to steam up and Cody clicked a playlist at random, maxing out the volume and stepping into the shower quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. It was too hot at first, but he let himself get used to it, and after a while it felt like exactly what he needed. His muscles relaxed as he soaped himself, washed his hair, his face, and when he stepped out of the shower he felt brand new.  
  
He picked up his phone and dialed, “Now what?”  
  
“I’m already on my way.”  
  
**  
  
Cody had remembered to turn on the lights this time before Kelsey arrived. He hadn’t realized how late he’d actually woken up to have “breakfast” until he came out of the bathroom and saw that it was already getting dark outside. He sighed and when his phone dinged with Kelsey’s text announcing her arrival, he saw that they had a few hours for him to finish getting dressed and a quick pregame.  
  
He shook himself of the stress as he opened the door for Kelsey who walked in like she owned the place as usual.  
  
“Okay so being clean is like half the job,” Kelsey said, her voice brightening the room faster than any of the lights he switched on, “do you have any clean clothes?”  
  
“Fuck you,” Cody laughed out, pushing his still-wet hair out of his face.  
  
“I’m just being thorough,” Kelsey chuckled, and followed him into his room.  
  
“Yeah well, the benefit of being too depressed to change out of your clothes is that most of your stuff stays clean,” Cody said almost mournfully, and Kelsey started going through his closet as he sat on his bed and toweled off the excess water dripping off his hair and down his shoulders.  
  
“Okay maybe this, with this…” Kelsey mumbled to herself as she pulled things out of his closet- thankfully all of his nicest stuff was so rarely worn that they were still on hangers unlike his piles of hoodies and joggers that were strewn about his room.  
  
He was about to muster up the courage to ask about that guy again- _Justin,_ his brain supplied- when Kelsey interrupted.  
  
“So here’s what I’m thinking- I always like this like green jacket and it kinda goes with those sneakers that you have but I don’t know where those are. And with these,” she tossed pair of his black jeans at him, “and then just pick a shirt.”  
  
“Why am I letting you decide everything again?” Cody asked as he pulled off his joggers and got into the jeans, stumbling as his foot got caught in the hole in one of the knees.  
  
Kelsey chuckled as he fell back onto his bed, “Look at where making your own decisions has gotten you, I mean-,” she gestured vaguely and Cody scoffed.  
  
“Arguably making my own decisions led to you making my decisions right now.”  
  
“And that’s the only good decision you’ve made in weeks,” Kelsey supplied cheerfully, and Cody laughed at that. He finished getting dressed while Kelsey went to raid his kitchen for alcohol. He was fussing with his hair in the mirror when Kelsey called him into the kitchen, and she grinned when she saw him fully put together.  
  
_“Wooow,_ see? You should let me do this all the time,” Kelsey said, beckoning him to join her in taking a shot.  
  
“I’ve literally worn this exact outfit before,” Cody said, grimacing at the tequila she was already pouring.  
  
“Whatever, we both independently came up with the same good outfit,” Kelsey chuckled, sliding his shot toward him.  
  
“Does it have to be shots?” Cody groaned even though he was already picking up the shot glass.  
  
“Yes, it does,” Kelsey said, idly picking some music on her phone before turning to do her shot with him. He downed it, because he wasn’t a bitch, but god it sucked every fucking time. The burning wasn’t the worst so much was the urge to immediately puke it back up, but he knew that after a few more it would taste like fucking water.  
  
“Tequila _hates_ me,” Cody coughed, going to his fridge while Kelsey made a face and shook her head at the taste.  
  
“Another,” she said, still involuntarily frowning as Cody downed a few sips of soda.  
  
“Fuck me,” he muttered as she poured the next shot.  
  
Kelsey did three shots over the course of the following couple of hours, but Cody was instructed to do four and the fourth one was right before they dipped out to meet their Uber. He was feeling loose, but still good, Kelsey was smiley and a little flushed as they got in the car.  
  
“You good?” Kelsey asked once they were on the road, and Cody nodded, for once not feeling like he was lying.  
  
“Actually yeah, I needed that I think, just to get the nerves out.”  
  
“See! You should always listen to me,” Kelsey laughed out, and Cody shook his head in endearment. He really should.  
  
**  
  
They got to the party relatively early but it was already in swing when they got out of the Uber, and Cody vaguely realized that he had been to a party at this house before but he didn’t actually know whose house it was. It was in the hills, of course, so it was probably just an Airbnb that people rented for a party and the thought left his mind as they walked in and found friends.  
  
The place was loud but there was enough people that there was comfort amongst strangers and not so many that it felt claustrophobic. Dim lights, good music, and alcohol was all a party really needed to be a good time, and a few beers in with a few of Kelsey’s friends, Cody had decided that this lived up to the standard. Granted it was a pretty fucking low bar.  
  
As always, Kelsey was right, and the energy of the party had already brought up Cody’s mood so much that he hadn’t even really thought about why he was so upset in the first place since they walked in.  
  
“Oh my god, hey!” Kelsey had yelled over the music, excitedly rushing toward someone behind Cody to greet them with a hug. Cody turned to find that it was that guy Justin- whose name had been bouncing around his head ever since Kelsey had shown him his picture.  
  
He took another long swig of his beer as Kelsey finished saying hello- and yeah he looked just as good as his pictures if not like way, way better. Cody was leaning toward better.  
  
“You guys remember Justin,” Kelsey said, her friends waving politely, and she turned toward Cody, “Cody, this is Justin, I think I mentioned him to you a while back?”  
  
Kelsey was good at the whole act as usual, her wingman bit had gotten him laid more times than he remembered, and she wasn’t about to give that up just because Cody’s preferences had changed apparently.  
  
“Yeah, the actor right?” Cody said nonchalantly, and Kelsey was practically vibrating as he and Justin made eye contact. Fuck, he was hot.  
  
“Oh god, she didn’t lead with that did she?” Justin said, and wow okay his voice was deep and like- kind? Justin laughed and Kelsey waved him off with a chuckle.  
  
“I didn’t!” she said, eyeing Cody jokingly, “and if Cody says otherwise it’s because he’s a compulsive liar, swear on my life.”  
  
“I think you have that flipped Kels,” Cody shot back, suddenly aware of how sweaty his hands had become under Justin’s gaze.  
  
“Shut up,” Kelsey chuckled, and Justin laughed.  
  
“Well, I promise I’m not as self-centered as every other actor in LA,” he said through a grin and Cody tried not to rake his eyes down his- very fit- body.  
  
“Maybe you should be,” Cody said, already embarrassed as the words left his mouth and Kelsey laughed exaggeratedly to cover the awkwardness, though Justin appeared to have not really heard.  
  
“Cody why don’t you go with Justin to get a drink- I gotta-,” she trailed off vaguely and turned away with a smirk.  
  
“Yeah, sure, kitchen’s this way.”  
  
Cody poured a beer for Justin from the keg in the kitchen and Justin took it gratefully as Cody poured himself another beer, flexing his hands idly to shake off some of the nerves that had returned full force. He wasn’t sure if he should drink more or stop altogether. He’d mentally opted for nursing the cup of beer when he filled the cup, and looked up from his train of thought to find Justin eyeing him with interest.  
  
Cody tried- and failed- not to blush, “What’s up?”  
  
“Oh nothing, I could just see you in your own head for a minute there,” he chuckled, “made me wonder what you were thinking.”  
  
“Me? Nah, I got absolutely nothing going on up here,” he pointed at his head, “totally empty.”  
  
Justin chuckled, and Cody had no idea how someone who seemed so genuine just from the few minutes of being in his presence had lasted very long as an actor in LA at all, “Is that the compulsive liar thing Kelsey was talking about? Should I be worried?”  
  
Cody laughed, “I mean I think you should be pretty comfortable, isn’t acting just lying?”  
  
“Ouch,” Justin laughed out, “yeah, definitely guilty of being a part-time liar.”  
  
“What about the rest of the time?” Cody said, going for smooth but absolutely positively not making it.  
  
Justin laughed again, “You’re cute.”  
  
“I would say I try, but I think I’m just naturally this charming,” Cody said, and they should really print a caution about drunk confidence on the bottles.  
  
“Now _you’re_ sounding like the actor,” Justin joked, and Cody clutched his chest dramatically.  
  
“Wow, that was _mean,”_ Cody exaggerated, and Justin laughed, “Does that make us even now?” he asked, and Justin just grinned.  
  
“For now,” he said, and Cody felt almost lightheaded as Justin looked him up and down the way that Cody had tried to avoid doing earlier. Cody took the opportunity to do the same but found himself getting caught on the starkness of Justin’s dark brown eyes and the power in the breadth of his shoulders. He was a few inches taller than Cody, and where Cody usually thought he felt mild insecurity he found he might _actually_ be feeling a flutter of attraction in the pit of his stomach.  
  
“Wanna find a spot to talk?” Justin asked and Cody nodded, though he could have said anything and Cody would have nodded along anyway.  
  
Kelsey gave him a rousing thumbs up as they passed the corner she occupied with her friends, and he raised his eyebrows at her in acknowledgement. He had no fucking idea what he was doing.  
  
**  
  
Noel was already faded when he walked into the party, and Aleena trailed after him, mumbling something he couldn’t hear over the music once they crossed the threshold of the house. Noel actually knew this place as he’d been to the guy’s bash for some other shit another time with Cody once, but he wasn’t sure if it was actually his place or if he just liked it and rented it out frequently. He was a mutual friend of Noel’s and Aleena’s and always slid them an invite to whatever no-reason ass party he was having that month. This was one of those.  
  
Noel was more than ready to sniff out whatever room the stoners had set up in and just vibe there for the night, get crossfaded as fuck and then take an Uber home when he couldn’t see straight anymore. Parties weren’t necessarily his vibe, but if he could find someone to fuck in the bathroom and get high off some other loser’s weed, then he’d call it a win.  
  
And that was his plan, Aleena be damned to find her own lil crew to hang with or not, right up until he saw a familiar flash of brown hair out of the corner of his eye. He couldn’t help but follow the line of sight, expecting to see some random bitch with hair like Cody’s sitting in the corner and move on, but damn. Noel must have a whole radar for him, because he couldn’t even tell that it was Cody until the guy that was bracketing Cody between himself and the wall moved out of the way for just long enough for Noel to spot that unmistakable smile.  
  
Noel turned toward Aleena as she caught up to him, “He’s here.”  
  
“Who’s here?” she asked, looking up from her phone in confusion.  
  
Noel pointed her in his direction with his eyes, and right then Cody’s gaze met his, and Noel’s insides went cold. Cody looked shell-shocked, and Noel could tell he was drunk because it took him a second too long to shake out of it and pretend like they were back to normal.  
  
Noel turned back to Aleena- which he knew would look a little shady but he couldn’t fucking help it- and muttered spitefully, “Already onto the next _experiment_ I guess.”  
  
Aleena rolled her eyes and he turned back to find the guy that had Cody’s attention was looking toward him too. Noel took a breath, this was not gonna be the little reprieve that Aleena had planned after all. _What a shame_ his mind supplied sarcastically, and Noel really wished he felt like it was.  
  
He walked over to them and Aleena ditched, not interested in the inevitable shitshow that Noel couldn’t help but start.  
  
Noel put a hand on the guy’s shoulder, “This guy bothering you?” he said in a hard voice, and the guy looked at him with a flash of concern on his face. Cody looked at him in disbelief and Noel laughed, “Nah man, I’m just playin’. What’s good Cody?”  
  
Cody dapped him up half-heartedly, “Hey Noel, I didn’t uh- didn’t know you were coming to this.”  
  
“This guy’s a friend of mine and Aleena’s, actually,” Noel said, and he could see it dawn on Cody’s face that they’d been to this guy’s party together before, “so Aleena dragged me along.”  
  
“Right, right yeah,” Cody said, and the guy had slowly backed up to open up the circle of conversation until Noel’s hand dropped from his shoulder. Noel eyed him up and looked back toward Cody.  
  
“You gonna introduce me to your friend, Cody?” Noel asked, chuckling and pulling the joint he had tucked behind his ear and lighting it as Cody scrambled to do just that.  
  
“Yeah- yeah- uh, this is Justin-,”  
  
“Mm,” Noel mumbled around the joint, letting out a puff of smoke before he spoke, “like Bieber,” he said, shaking the dude’s hand.  
  
Bieber laughed, “Sure, yeah like Justin Bieber I guess.”  
  
“Justin this is Noel, he’s my like best friend slash business partner,” Cody said awkwardly, but Bieber seemed to take it in stride.  
  
“Oh right, Kelsey had mentioned you guys like toured together and all that,” he said, and Noel’s eyes immediately found Kelsey in the throng of partygoers as soon as Bieber said her name.  
  
“Yeah, that’s me,” Noel said, pulling his eyes away from Kelsey’s deer-in-the-headlights look and taking a hit from his joint.  
  
“You guys must be super close to be able to do all that shit together, I can’t imagine being that comfortable with somebody,” he said, and Cody let out a startled chuckle.  
  
“Yeah, well. We make it work,” Cody said, and Noel nodded coolly.  
  
“Well you guys looked pretty cozy before I wandered over here, I think I’m gonna go find Aleena,” Noel said, and Cody just blinked at him blankly, “maybe we can link up later.”  
  
“Nice meeting you man,” Justin said, and Noel just nodded, backing out of the situation while holding Cody’s gaze for as long as possible. He only broke it when Bieber said something to Cody and he answered while still staring back at Noel.  
  
Noel wandered through the house until he found the stoner room, Aleena already hitting some rando’s bong when he walked in. She let out a cough as he sat next to her, waving the smoke out of her face.  
  
“What, no fight?”  
  
Noel shook his head, took another hit of his joint and passed it to the girl across from them, “Nah. No need.”  
  
“What do you mean no need?” Aleena squinted at him.  
  
“Cody’s gonna ditch that guy and come looking for me in an hour tops,” Noel said, and it felt rude to call him out like that, but he could fucking feel it.  
  
“And what if he doesn’t?” Aleena countered.  
  
Noel watched as the girl in front of him made a big show of bringing his joint to her lips, fluttering her eyelashes at him, “He will.”  
  
“Okay, and when he does?” Aleena pressed, glancing around before leaning in and speaking quietly, “You’re here to get under somebody else, remember?”  
  
Noel flicked his lighter idly, eyed the girl with a bored gaze that she was eating up, “Yeah.”  
  
“Keyword somebody _else,”_ Aleena said.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Aleena turned and saw the girl that he was eyefucking across the way and rolled her eyes, “God, you’re fucking insufferable.”  
  
Noel chuckled, “You love me though.”  
  
“Less and less every day,” she said, taking the joint that had made it around the room.  
  
Noel laughed, and within the hour he had that girl sitting in his lap while he muttered absolute bullshit in her ear that made her blush and laugh. She was hot, all eye makeup and ass, but from the moment she crawled in his lap to “try shotgunning” all he could think about was that Cody was the last person on his lap like that. And the only person he really wanted on his lap like that right then.  
  
He was feeling faded as fuck as the girl whose name he never learned started kissing lipstick smears down his neck, and Aleena leaned in, “Has it been an hour yet?”  
  
“He’ll show,” Noel said, hand drifting up the back of the girl’s blouse, eyes half closed.  
  
“Mhm.”  
  
The door to the room opened, and the smoke cleared from the movement.  
  
“Noel, you’re a fucking… asshole,” Cody said from the doorway, and Noel sat up suddenly, guiding the girl out of his lap apologetically, though she hardly seemed to care.  
  
“Cody,” Noel said as Cody walked further into the room, a little unbalanced, “you’re drunk.”  
  
“It’s a party, _I’m drunk,_ whatever,” Cody said, “fuck you.”  
  
The people in the room looked between them and Aleena motioned for Noel to do something about it. Noel stood up and grabbed Cody’s arm, walking him out of the room as he continued.  
  
“- he’s- he is a really nice- _really hot_ guy. And you! _You_ had to come in and call him _Justin Bieber_ which should- shhhould be like a compliment- but it’s, it’s not.”  
  
Noel walked them into a bathroom and closed the door behind them, “I’m way too high for this Cody, I have like no idea what you’re saying man.”  
  
“I’m saying-!” Cody took a breath, “You suck, and Justin left.”  
  
“Bieber? What does that have to do with me?”  
  
“It has _everything_ to do with you, can’t you see that?” Cody burst angrily, and just then a random couple opened the door and attempted to stumble in.  
  
“Get lost,” Noel said harshly and closed the door on them, locking it this time, “No Cody, I really don’t see it, I was completely nice to him.”  
  
“Liar. I’ve seen you be nice- _thisss?_ Was _not_ that.”  
  
“Whatever, he didn’t seem to notice,” Noel shrugged.  
  
Cody scoffed, “Yeah, but I did.”  
  
“And?” Noel pressed- all he had really wanted was for Cody to notice the digs at the guy, if that. But he didn’t expect Cody to get so pissed about it.  
  
“God! You are fucking- the worst!” Cody yelled, running his hands through his hair in frustration and staring at Noel’s t-shirt instead of his face.  
  
“Cody!” Noel tried to catch his gaze, “I didn’t fucking do anything to the guy!”  
  
“But you’re here!” Cody burst out.  
  
“What?” Noel wasn’t sure if it was how high he was, but Cody was not making any fucking sense. Noel was squinting trying to focus on what he was saying, echoing the words back in his head and deciphering them as Cody continued speaking.  
  
“I couldn’t stop fucking _thinking about you,_ is what!” Cody laughed out, turning away and going to sit on the edge of the bathtub.  
  
Noel blinked down at him, still a little behind. Cody was doing that thing where he laughed because he was so mad at himself, and Noel could usually talk him down but he didn’t really know what he was talking him down from.  
  
“Slow down, start over,” Noel said instead, and Cody let out another scoff.  
  
“You left and it was like, I wanted to just say that you were messing around with him, that you’re like that sometimes.”  
  
“Okay,” Noel said slowly.  
  
“And he said it was no big deal, and we kept talking, and we- we started making out-,”  
  
Noel nodded, swallowing back a knot in his throat and not trusting himself to speak.  
  
“But it was just- _awkward,”_ Cody said, and Noel tried to hide the breath of relief that escaped him, “the angle was off because of his height, and he touched me like _way_ too gently, and I- fucking- I couldn’t stop thinking about that _fucking_ Bieber joke-,”  
  
Noel burst into laughter and Cody looked up at him in annoyance, “Stop! This is _so_ your fault!”  
  
“Okay, I’ll admit to the Bieber joke being my fault,” Noel laughed, “but the rest just sounds like he was a bad kisser or some shit.”  
  
“Right, unlike you,” Cody mocked, and Noel shook his head.  
  
“You’re the one who said that, not me.”  
  
Cody’s next words came in an angry rush, “I wouldn’t even have a baseline comparison if you weren’t so-,” Cody stood up abruptly, suddenly very much in Noel’s space, and they shared the same breath for a moment.  
  
“If I wasn’t so what?” Noel asked in a low voice.  
  
Cody closed the space between them in a heated sense of urgency, hands twisting into Noel’s shirt as he pushed him against the tile of the bathroom wall. The kiss was messy because they were both a little fucked up, but Noel felt relief in every part of his body as Cody pressed into him feverishly. Noel licked into his mouth and Cody moaned, his hips stuttering against Noel’s and igniting a heat in Noel that had him pulling Cody closer to him by his waist, and rolling his hips forward against him.  
  
“God, _fuck, Noel,”_ Cody moaned against him, and Noel walked them back toward the sink, lifting Cody onto the countertop and kissing him filthily.  
  
Noel’s hands squeezed Cody’s thighs and he squirmed, gasping against Noel’s mouth.  
  
“Sensitive?” Noel asked breathlessly, rubbing his hands up and down Cody’s thighs teasingly.  
  
“Please,” Cody moaned, and Noel leaned down, pulling up Cody’s shirt to suck a mark on his chest, kissing further down until-  
  
There was banging on the door.  
  
_“Cody? I know you’re in there. It’s time to go!”_  
  
Kelsey.  
  
They stared at each other breathlessly for a moment, and Kelsey banged on the door again.  
  
Cody and Noel looked at each other, messy and fucked up and very, very much caught red handed, and took a beat as Kelsey continued knocking on the door.  
  
“Fuck.”  
  
_Yeah,_ Noel thought as Kelsey called Cody’s name again. _Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY holy shit i've never had this many unintentional delays between chapters on a fic before I'm so sorry guys! Broken computer, then without power for a week or so, but here I am with a new chapter! Hope I didn't lose everybody there, but I hope this makes up for it <3 We'll see if I can't pull out another chapter very quickly just to get us back on track.  
> Anyways! Let me know what you think in the comments!! <3


	12. Chapter 12

Cody hopped off the sink, legs shaking a bit from the rush of endorphins as he landed on his feet. Noel steadied his hips absentmindedly before pressing his ear to the door once there was a pause in Kelsey’s interruption.  
  
Cody straightened his clothes and turned to face the mirror, and realizing the state of his hair, ran his hands through it hastily. He turned toward Noel who seemed more annoyed than deeply embarrassed the way that Cody was. Noel adjusted himself in his pants idly and Cody looked away with a blush- there was something about Noel in this context that always turned him into a blushing virgin. All the drinking certainly hadn’t helped on that front.  
  
Cody cleared his throat, “Is she still there?”  
  
Cody looked back toward Noel and he shook his head, “I think she went to find Aleena.”  
  
“Fuck,” Cody said into the mirror, rubbing at his face, “this looks really bad.”  
  
“She already knows,” Noel said dismissively, and Cody scoffed.  
  
“There’s _otherrr_ fucking people here, Noel.” Cody tried to reel in the slurring, trying to bring some inkling of sobriety to the surface.  
  
Noel turned to look at him seriously, “You were just letting Bieber mack on you in full public view, you’re worried about _this?”_  
  
“This is fucking different,” Cody said, and Noel leveled him with a piercing look.  
  
“How?” he asked, crossing his arms defensively.  
  
Cody shrugged uselessly, burning under Noel’s gaze, “This- it looks bad.”  
  
_“How,_ Cody?” Noel pressed again, and Cody felt his insecurity twist into anger. How? Their whole fucking brand was clowning on other people and doing commentary, in this arena if something like this went down and they didn’t get ahead of it, they wouldn’t survive to do another podcast again. The supposedly straight _That’s Cringe_ guys caught fucking around in a bathroom at a party in the hills? Fucking forget it.  
  
It was honestly insane that Noel couldn’t see that.  
  
“Are you serious right now?” Cody said, disbelief plain on his face. It was taking every ounce of Cody’s self-control to break through the mental haze of alcohol and speak clearly. He still wasn’t sure if Noel was completely misunderstanding him. Again.  
  
“Yeah, I’m serious, fucking explain it to me.” Noel crossed his arms and stood in front of the door like he wasn’t letting Cody leave without interrogating him. It was as unbelievable as it was annoying, and Cody considered entertaining Noel’s little thought experiment for just a second so that they could move on from this bullshit.  
  
Cody took a breath and then just shook his head, “You know what? Fuck you, I’m not doing this,” he shouldered past Noel roughly and stormed out.  
  
He passed Kelsey on his way down the stairs and she looked at him sternly at first and then with concern, following him as he breezed past her.  
  
“Cody where are you going?”  
  
“I’m fucking leaving,” Cody spat, ignoring anyone that might be looking as he made a beeline toward the door, trying not to draw any attention to himself even as Kelsey chased after him.  
  
“Cody,” Kelsey repeated once they were far enough outside, amongst the few cars that were parked along the curb.  
  
_“What?”_ Cody said, turning to face her and startling her with the abruptness with which he stopped. His head was still swimming with anger and liquor, and the sudden turn already had him overly-dizzy.  
  
“Woah, back off, I’ve been looking for you everywhere asshole,” Kelsey said, staring at him with hard eyes.  
  
“Well, you found me,” Cody said bitingly, “what do you want?”  
  
“What do I _want?”_ Kelsey started, scoffing and looking off to the side in disbelief, “I can’t talk to you like this, get your own Uber home.”  
  
Cody rolled his eyes, pulling out his phone, “That’s what I was _trying_ to do.”  
  
Kelsey started to walk away in a huff and then stopped, turning back toward him, “You know what, you were a total dick to Justin tonight and I really talked you up to him,” she pointed at him accusingly.  
  
“Whatever,” Cody was so beyond the point of caring about Justin or any niceties he’d failed on throughout the party, his vision was clouded with an anger directed toward Noel- the reason for which he couldn’t even name.  
  
“No, not _whatever,_ I was trying to help you get out of this funk and you blew off Justin to go-,” she leaned in, speaking in a lower volume, “fucking what, suck off Noel in the bathroom?”  
  
Cody’s hands tightened around his phone, feeling wounded and angry all at once. His words came out tightly, “Nothing happened.”  
  
“Yeah right,” Kelsey said, and if Cody had any sense this was the part where he would have realized that Kelsey was just as drunk as he was, “like you wouldn’t just lie to me about this _all over again._ I get it, okay- just fucking _say_ you don’t want me in your business-,”  
  
But Cody didn’t have much sense on him to go off of. He looked up from his phone and cut her off, “Oh _fuck you_ Kelsey, that’s not what I said, and I never fucking lied to you.”  
  
Kelsey blinked back something Cody couldn’t detect, hurt maybe, “Lie of omission, whatever-,”  
  
“That was literally none of your business!” Cody interrupted, frustration making his voice harsh.  
  
Kelsey bit her lip and took a step back, crossing her arms, speaking in a controlled voice, “Okay. So I’ll fucking butt out then.”  
  
“Fine!” Cody yelled.  
  
“Fine!” Kelsey yelled back, taking a few steps backward before turning around altogether and re-entering the party.  
  
Cody’s face burned as he walked even further away from the house, and a small part of him- maybe the slowly waking sober part of him- knew that Kelsey did not deserve that side of him. She was an amazing friend to him and she never deserved anything like that, but he was brimming with all of his worst feelings, and he was spilling. She just happened to be in the splash zone.  
  
The worst of him that was at the forefront of his mind was telling Cody that he didn’t deserve her kindness anyway, that he was just a walking screw-up and this was just one in a long line of screw-ups he was bound to make. And in that moment it felt true.  
  
He laughed bitterly to himself, letting out a breath as he finally ordered the Uber. He pocketed his phone and tried to focus on getting home- anything but the building swell of heart-stopping anxiety that was sweeping through his system. He took a deep breath. And another.  
  
“Man, where the fuck are you going?” Noel’s voice shattered the force-field Cody was shakily attempting to create around himself like glass.  
  
“God, can’t anyone get the hint tonight?” he looked up at the sky, like some higher being would pluck Noel out of his periphery, “Leave me the fuck alone.”  
  
Noel moved to stand in front of him and Cody stared at the sidewalk, “You can’t keep running away from your problems-,”  
  
_“I’m_ running away?” Cody scoffed, looking at Noel and hating that despite everything there was still an undercurrent of the affection he felt for him driving his baser instincts, “You’re full of shit, _you’re_ the one who put an end to this.”  
  
“Yeah, I did,” Noel said, pausing briefly, “what the fuck do you want me to do when you’re all over me like that-,”  
  
_“All over you?”_ Cody repeated.  
  
Noel just shook his head, “Did you forget you’re the one who kissed me-,”  
  
“And you’re the one who had me fucking hostage in the bathroom unless I explained why it would be bad if it came out that we were _fucking_ in the _middle of a house party!”_  
  
“Keep it down,” Noel said, glancing back at the house.  
  
Cody laughed coldly, loudly, “What, isn’t this what you wanted, a fucking announcement that _I’ve had your dick in my mouth!?”_  
  
Noel put a hand on Cody’s shoulder, “Jesus, Cody-,”  
  
Cody wrenched himself away from Noel, “No! No- _fuck_ you, and _fuck_ Kelsey, and fuck _everybody._ Don’t talk to me,” he walked away, following the sidewalk blindly.  
  
“You’re drunk,” Noel said when he caught up with him, like it was a reassurance that none of this was real. Cody was glad someone was reassured, because he sure as fuck wasn’t.  
  
“Yeah well, thank god. Hopefully I won’t fucking remember any of this tomorrow.”  
  
Cody’s Uber arrived just in time for a dramatic exit, and he slammed the door for good measure. Thankfully his Uber wasn’t a talkative guy, so he could pretend he wasn’t silently crying hot, angry tears in the backseat.  
  
**  
  
Noel tried to ignore the fact that he was speeding on the highway as he drove toward Cody’s place. Ironic, considering this was the exact shit that he got on Cody’s case for what felt like ages ago now. He was constantly checking his rearview mirror like he had a fucking warrant, because this was just was _not_ the night to get pulled over while driving high and going stupid over the speed limit. He was good to drive but there was no way he wasn’t gonna say some dumb shit to any cop that stopped him. Noel was too on edge.  
  
He was dialing and redialing Cody as he got off the exit- not even entirely sure what the urgency was. Leaving shit so catastrophically badly was not something that they’d ever done. They never even really fought before the last couple months, not over serious shit, and Noel had no fucking clue what Cody was thinking for once.  
  
Noel double parked, not thinking twice as he climbed the steps to Cody’s door, trying the knob before anything else. It was open.  
  
“Cody?”  
  
There was a quiet rustling as Cody stepped out of his room, “What the fuck are you doing here?”  
  
“I-,” Noel didn’t have an answer. He wanted to make sure Cody was okay, to talk to him, and fix things, but it didn’t even feel right as he thought the words, “just talk to me man.”  
  
Cody was a wreck, wearing just a wrinkled t-shirt and some joggers like he’d just been in bed, the clothes he was wearing at the party on the floor between them like he couldn’t wait to get them off of him. His eyes were bloodshot, and Noel clenched his jaw at the sight, knowing that the only person to blame for Cody crying was himself. Again.  
  
“Talk to you? Did you not fucking hear me back there?” Cody said, and his voice was so loud against the quiet of the night, “What am I thinking, you probably misunderstood me since your fucking head is always somewhere else.”  
  
“Cody-,” Noel started, but Cody was walking back into his room. Noel only took a step toward his bedroom before Cody returned and threw something at him. Noel caught it- soft. His hoodie.  
  
“Get the fuck out of my apartment,” Cody said coldly.  
  
“Cody, I’m not leaving until we sort this out man,” Noel said, setting the hoodie down on the side table by the door.  
  
“Get out! Take your fucking hoodie, get in your fucking car, and go bitch about me to Aleena. I don’t wanna hear it anymore!” Cody yelled, voice going hoarse with the volume of it.  
  
“Is that why you’re pissed at me?” Noel asked, eyes searching Cody’s for some hint of where all the anger was coming from.  
  
“Are you fucking serious right now? Just get out!” Cody walked toward Noel and shoved him back, again and again, starting to tear up as Noel grabbed his wrists firmly and held his ground.  
  
Cody beat his fists shakily against Noel’s chest, and Noel took a breath, “You’re hurting, and we need to-,”  
  
“No,” Cody said, sniffing back his tears and wrenching his hands out of Noel’s grip, “if you’re not leaving, I am.”  
  
“Cody-,” Noel started but Cody had already snatched his keys from the table, slipping past Noel almost fast enough to beat him to the door. Noel slammed the door closed just as Cody opened it and Cody didn’t even blink, just fighting over the handle of the door with Noel frantically until he had a window to yank it open and walk out.  
  
_“Cody!”_ Noel called after him, following him out the door.  
  
_“Leave me the fuck alone!”_ Cody yelled as he crossed the parking lot, headed straight for his car.  
  
“You can’t drive, man, you’re fucked up,” Noel said as he caught up with him, and Cody didn’t even look up as he spoke.  
  
“I’m fucking fine,” he said.  
  
“No you’re not.”  
  
“Yes, I am just-,” and Cody got into his car. Noel paused for a second, not sure what his next move should be, before rushing to the passenger side and getting in the car with him.  
  
As he closed the passenger side door Cody was already speaking, and Noel tried to interject, but their words became a jumbled mess as they tried to speak over each other  
  
_“Get out, get out-,”_ “No- Cody-,”  
  
“I can’t let you leave-!,” _“Then you fucking leave,”_  
  
“I’m just trying to talk this out with you-,” _“I’m DONE trying to talk to you,”_  
  
_“This is my fucking car, just get out- get OUT!”_ Cody’s voice cracked and Noel quieted, staring at him while Cody stared at the steering wheel.  
  
Noel’s heart was pounding. He didn’t fully understand the heat in his chest, the tightness in his muscles as he silently begged for Cody to look at him. Cody wasn’t even crying anymore, he was just staring straight ahead like it was all he could do to prevent the confrontation. Noel started to reach across the console, toward Cody, and Cody flinched away, staring down at his lap now.  
  
“Can you please just look at me?” Noel said, fighting a tightness in his throat, “Cody?”  
  
Cody let out a frustrated breath and turned, crossing his arms. His eyes were dark with something between resentment and pain, and they were underscored by purplish bags under his eyes. He was tired. Noel was tired too.  
  
“Say something,” Noel said.  
  
“I’ve said everything I wanted to say.”  
  
“See I don’t fucking think you have,” Noel countered, and Cody shook his head, looking away.  
  
“You don’t _know everything_ Noel. Everyone may think that I’m the most fucking predictable creature on the planet- well I bet you didn’t see this shit show coming.”  
  
“You’re right, I didn’t,” Noel said, though he wished he had.  
  
Cody turned back toward him violently, “You’re trying to turn me into one of those girls you play games with- guess what? I’m not one of them.”  
  
“That’s not-,” Noel started, but Cody cut him off.  
  
“Then what the fuck has all this been Noel? You came back here after _you_ called shit off- talking about _one last kiss,_ bullshit about _closure,_ like it was my idea when _you_ were the one who showed up at my fucking door.”  
  
Noel’s veins went icy at his words, “I-,”  
  
“Is it about power? You just want me to come crawling back to you every time, like some fucking puppy?” Cody said, voice tinged with a sadness, like he thought it was true but hoped it wasn’t. He was pulling and pulling at the thread that was holding together the story that Noel had never settled on, and there wasn’t much left to unravel.  
  
“That’s not what’s happening,” Noel settled on saying, because the idea that he would purposefully use Cody, hurt him, just because he wanted the upper hand was fucking disgusting and he hated that it looked like that.  
  
“Then what is it Noel? That’s the only thing that- _mmph-!”_  
  
Noel had leaned across the center console and kissed him- not even sure himself of what he was trying to accomplish. It was all he could think to do, but the way that Cody went pliant against him, soft and sighing, Noel didn’t regret it for a second.  
  
**  
  
When their lips first met, Cody felt like this was the moment where he pulled away angrily and left, going up to his apartment and locking Noel out for good this time. But it was Noel, and they kissed like interlacing fingers, easy and soft and innocent. Cody sighed against him as Noel’s hand gently cradled his jaw, running an affectionate thumb over his cheek- and suddenly everything clicked into place.  
  
The hand holding, the jealous jabs against Justin, the way they couldn’t stop coming together again and again despite everything- the anxiety, the intense lows, their working relationship. There were no words for the feeling of realization, Cody thought all at once, it was like light and relief, comfort and stillness. It felt like warmth and oxygen reaching his fingertips and his heart all at once.  
  
They parted and it should’ve been the part where Cody didn’t even spare Noel a glance- the part where he got out of the car and went home, called this whole thing off. But Cody looked, and it was like a fever dream- _Noel._  
  
There on the phone when Cody needed him, there to comfort him when he cried without question, even there at the party when Cody tried to escape him, but there he was. Ineffably he always was there.  
  
Cody was starting to understand why.  
  
“Oh my god,” Cody couldn’t help but laugh out, “You’re into me.”  
  
Eloquence had never been Cody’s strong suit.  
  
“What?” Noel said, backing up even further as Cody covered his mouth, reviewing everything in his head.  
  
“You- you fucking asshole. You made me think it was just me, that I was making this all up in my head,” Cody rambled on, looking out the window thoughtfully.  
  
“Slow down, what?” Noel said, and Cody could see the gears turning in his head like he was trying to get out of this.  
  
“Don’t play dumb, admit it.”  
  
“You’re still drunk, man,” Noel shook his head, and Cody tried to catch his eye.  
  
“Maybe too drunk too drive, but not too drunk to feel what I just felt with you. That was real. Everything- everything between us has been real.” Cody caught Noel’s gaze and held it, and they were quiet for a moment while Noel collected his thoughts.  
  
“What- what do you want me to say Cody- we-,” Noel started, and Cody couldn’t let him continue- no. They weren’t playing this little game anymore.  
  
“I want you to admit it, Noel, because it does _not_ have to be this fucking hard,” Cody said, voice going softer as he reached for Noel’s hand between them.  
  
“I can’t.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Because, Cody! Look at what happened tonight,” Noel burst out, pulling his hand away from Cody’s.  
  
“What?” Cody let out, confused.  
  
“I’m not good for you, Cody,” Noel said, “this whole thing is a bad idea, and I’m just gonna end up hurting you.”  
  
“You’re the last person who would ever hurt me, dude, what are you talking about?” Cody said, and Noel just looked at him reproachfully.  
  
“Who was the last person to make you cry? And the time before that? How about two weeks ago?” his voice sounded pained, like he wanted Cody to agree and yell at him, finally realize that he was the bad guy.  
  
“What the fuck does that matter?” Cody said instead, and Noel slammed his fist on the dashboard.  
  
“I’m tired of hurting you!”  
  
“Stop acting like I’m something that’s gonna break, I know what I want,” Cody said, leaning over the center console bodily and angling Noel’s face toward him by his jaw, “you. I want you, Noel.”  
  
“You have me,” Noel said quietly, “just not like this.” He pulled Cody’s hand away from him and got out of the car.  
  
Cody followed him, slamming the car door, “So what, that’s it?”  
  
“We go back to normal,” Noel said as he walked away, and Cody caught his wrist, pulling Noel back toward him.  
  
“Hold on.” Cody said, sitting on the hood of his car and holding Noel’s wrist tight, grabbing his other wrist while he tried to catch some thought before it escaped him. Noel sighed, not pulling away from him, in fact settling in the vee of Cody’s legs, staring down at where Cody was soothing a thumb over his pulse point thoughtfully.  
  
“Hm,” Cody said after a moment. He glanced up at Noel discreetly to catch the somber tinge to the green of his eyes, before grinning and quietly announcing, “I don’t believe you.”  
  
Noel rolled his eyes almost fondly, “This isn’t something you can just not believe.”  
  
“I think it is,” Cody said through a smile, looking down briefly at their hands, “I think it is because, I don’t think you’re afraid of hurting me,” he continued, and looked up at Noel again, “I think you’re afraid I’m gonna hurt you.”  
  
“Cody, this isn’t funny,” Noel started to pull away but Cody held him fast.  
  
“I’m not saying it’s funny,” Cody said, and Noel scoffed and looked away, out at a far off point toward the road, “You’ve hurt me Noel, and it sucked but I’m okay with it, and honestly? I think that you were okay with it too.”  
  
Cody continued before Noel could cut him off, “I got hurt because I care. And I think you’re scared that if _you_ care, you’re gonna do something desperate like drive to my place in the middle of the night after a party because you couldn’t go home knowing I was mad at you.”  
  
Noel blinked quickly, letting Cody’s hold on his wrist slip to his hands, interlocking their fingers like muscle memory. Cody stood up, and the immediacy of their closeness almost scared Noel away, but Cody stopped him with a gentle hand under his chin.  
  
“You’re already hurting, Noel. But “going back to normal”? It’s not gonna make you stop caring.” Cody said quietly, and Noel closed his eyes. A tear trailed down his cheek and Cody wiped it away, pulling Noel into an embrace and not letting go until Noel put his arms around him. He felt Noel’s body relax against his, and Cody held him tightly.  
  
“When did you get so fuckin’ smart, man?” Noel said quietly, and Cody snickered against him.  
  
“You’re the one who said you wanted to come to me for advice,” Cody said, and leaned back grinning for a second before Noel pulled him in for a kiss, soft and wanting and slow. Cody inhaled deeply at the feeling, wanting nothing more than to sink into it until they melted into the sensation, evaporating into the air as the concept of a perfect kiss.  
  
They pulled apart hazily and Noel just looked at him for a moment.  
  
“So who’s gonna break the news to Bieber?” he said and Cody broke into a belly laugh, shoving Noel away teasingly.  
  
“Oh my god, you never stop,” Cody laughed out.  
  
“Well you’re stuck with me now, that’s your fault,” Noel said, fighting Cody’s playful pushes and holding him closer.  
  
“Is it too late to-,” Cody started jokingly and Noel nodded, going with the bit.  
  
“Should we just? Yeah. Just call it,” Noel said, pulling out of their entangled limbs.  
  
“Yeah that’s. It was a good try,” Cody said faux-awkwardly, moving into a sheepish posture.  
  
“Maybe next time.”  
  
Cody pulled out his phone, gesturing to it, “I’ll call- I’ll call Justin, I guess.”  
  
“Nah, that’s not funny,” Noel said, and Cody broke into laughter again as Noel took his phone, pulling him close by his waist again.  
  
“No? That’s the limit?” Cody chuckled out, and Noel fiddled with his passcode for a second.  
  
“Lemme just… fuckin’ delete that,” Noel joked, tapping at the phone frantically.  
  
Cody leaned in and nosed along his cheekbone, “Hey.”  
  
“Yeah?” Noel said, fighting a smile and losing.  
  
“I don’t have his number,” Cody whispered in his ear, and Noel shivered exaggeratedly.  
  
_“Fuck,_ say it again but slowly.”  
  
_“I. Don’t have. His number,”_ Cody said, biting at Noel’s ear teasingly. Noel turned toward him and kissed him dirtily, sending a thrill up Cody’s spine.  
  
“I _really_ wanna fuck you,” Noel said against Cody’s mouth, and Cody sucked in a breath, “but I’m so fucking tired.”  
  
Cody laughed against him, “Raincheck?”  
  
“Absolutely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and in record time! aaahhhh talk to me in the comments, scream at me in the comments etc!!! 
> 
> you wouldn't believe the weeks' worth of notes i had leading up to this chapter but i really hope everyone likes it, and we'll have another very soon because i hate leaving chapters hanging like that at the end, but alas.
> 
> leave kudos if you haven't already, and i'll be chatting with y'all in the comments very soon <3


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